Humour File: One for all the (married and retired) old farts on the forum

[BGTV8]

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the supermarket/superstore.

Unfortunately, like most men; I find shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local supermarket/superstore:

Dear Mrs. Smith:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and are forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Smith, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Omitted.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of Humbugs on lay away.

6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' The local constabulary were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror whilst mining his nasal cavity (picked his nose).

10. September 10: While handling hedge trimmers in the seasonal department, he asked the clerk where the anti-depressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practised his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a foetal position and screamed; 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

[axmea?]

I vote 1, 2, and 15.

[GaleForce]

[Rusty]

I read a different version of this awhile back. I still get a good laugh out of it.