Joke of the Day

Austin · 07-06-2010, 03:14 PM

A preist and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says "What is this, some kind of joke?".

frost · 07-25-2010, 04:10 PM

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to
the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich..

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That
will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket
and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?'
asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,'
says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up
with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic
and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared
and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had
to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the
right amount of money would always be there....'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million
dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long
as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there,' says the man..

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a
tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

Trips · 07-25-2010, 04:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by frost

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to
the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich..

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That
will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket
and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?'
asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,'
says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up
with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic
and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared
and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had
to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the
right amount of money would always be there....'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million
dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long
as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there,' says the man..

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a
tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

Nice,

shadoquad · 07-25-2010, 11:56 PM

You know, outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it is usually too dark to read.

Togo · 08-05-2010, 04:35 PM

A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary."

The guy says, "What's wrong with her?"

The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous.

The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall."

The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it."

The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island."

The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex.

About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall.

He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer."

She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer.

The guy says, "Get me some nails."

She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails.

The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, "FUCK!"

She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."

Matt · 08-05-2010, 04:39 PM

^^ pretty good if I imagine my dumb *** ex-girlfriend mumbling "get the bag, get the bag" and twitching her head when she says it.

shadoquad · 08-05-2010, 04:41 PM

A man is walking on the beach and he trips over a lamp. He brushes it off and a genie appears. The genie says, "You may have three wishes, with the caveat that whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will receive double as much."

The man pauses pensively. "First, I want my own island with food and water to support me the rest of my days." The genie obliges, but also bestows the man's ex-wife with an island twice as large and twice as plentiful.

The man is impressed and continues, "I want 50 trillion dollars." The genie obliges, but then also gives 100 trillion to the ex.

"I've given it a lot of thought," says the man, "and for my third wish, I'd like to be beaten half to death."

Togo · 08-05-2010, 04:42 PM

(Only a guy would do this!)

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this :

Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.

Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad . I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock, Earl

Togo · 08-05-2010, 04:45 PM

There was a tour bus in Egypt that stopped in the middle of a town square.

The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square.

One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatted down next to his camel. "What time is it, sir?"

The local reaches out and softly cups the camel's genitals in his hand, and raises them up and down.

"It's about 2:00", he says.

The tourist can't believe what he just saw.

He runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is 2:00. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story,

"The man can tell the time by the weight of the camel's genitals!"

One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens!! It is 2:05.p.m.

He runs back to tell the story. Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done.

He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camel's genitals.

The local says "Sit down here and grab the camel's genitals". "Now, lift them up in the air.

Now, look underneath them to the other side of the courtyard, where that clock is hanging on the wall."

Togo · 08-05-2010, 04:46 PM

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, the slowest and weakest ones at the back are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Sibze · 08-05-2010, 04:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Togo

(Only a guy would do this!)

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this :

Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.

Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad . I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock, Earl

I posted that one a while back

shadoquad · 08-05-2010, 04:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Togo

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, the slowest and weakest ones at the back are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

lol Cliff Clavin

"I once went to Las Vegas in a $30,000 Z car and came back in a $250,000 bus."

Togo · 08-05-2010, 04:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sibze

I posted that one a while back

I know I had read it before, but I didn't know if it was where I get them from or if it was here already.

shadoquad · 08-05-2010, 05:06 PM

A despondent man walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender approaches him, "What'll it be, buddy?"

The man says, "bottle of your strongest, harshest hooch, and keep it coming."

The bartender tries to ask what is wrong, but the man keeps pushing him away.

Finally into his second bottle, the man relents. "I came home early to surprise my wife. I walk in, and there she is in bed with my best friend."

"No," the bartender says comfortingly. "What did you say to her?"

"Well, I says, you get your sh*t and get out of here, you cheating wh*re!"

"Man," says the bartender, "That's hard. But good for you, bro. You told her. Now, what did you say to your best friend?"

The man answered, "I looked that son of a bitch square in the eyes and I said BAD DOG!"

Jeffblue · 08-05-2010, 05:11 PM

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother ran in the room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen

08-05-2010, 04:35 PM	#770 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary." The guy says, "What's wrong with her?" The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous. The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall." The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it." The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island." The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex. About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall. He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer." She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer. The guy says, "Get me some nails." She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails. The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, "FUCK!" She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag." __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

08-05-2010, 04:39 PM	#771 (permalink)
Matt A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Augusta, GA Age: 41 Posts: 1,680 Drives: 2010 Avalanche LT Rep Power: 19	^^ pretty good if I imagine my dumb *** ex-girlfriend mumbling "get the bag, get the bag" and twitching her head when she says it. __________________ "Any man who can drive a 370z while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the Z the attention it deserves." Albert Einstein....modified.

08-05-2010, 04:42 PM	#773 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	(Only a guy would do this!) A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this : Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working. Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad . I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return. Still in shock, Earl __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan.* Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

08-05-2010, 04:45 PM	#774 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	There was a tour bus in Egypt that stopped in the middle of a town square. The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square. One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatted down next to his camel. "What time is it, sir?" The local reaches out and softly cups the camel's genitals in his hand, and raises them up and down. "It's about 2:00", he says. The tourist can't believe what he just saw. He runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is 2:00. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story, "The man can tell the time by the weight of the camel's genitals!" One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens!! It is 2:05.p.m. He runs back to tell the story. Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done. He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camel's genitals. The local says "Sit down here and grab the camel's genitals". "Now, lift them up in the air. Now, look underneath them to the other side of the courtyard, where that clock is hanging on the wall." __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

08-05-2010, 04:46 PM	#775 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, the slowest and weakest ones at the back are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers. __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

07-06-2010, 03:14 PM	#766 (permalink)
Austin Base Member Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Kansas City Posts: 53 Drives: 2007 350z Rep Power: 15	A preist and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says "What is this, some kind of joke?".

07-25-2010, 04:10 PM	#767 (permalink)
frost Retired admin Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Winterfell Posts: 106,613 Drives: Your Wife Crazy Rep Power: 0	A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.. A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.' The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.' Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?' 'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there....' 'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!' 'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.. The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?' The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

07-25-2010, 11:56 PM	#769 (permalink)
shadoquad A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: . Posts: 42,608 Drives: . Rep Power: 3886	You know, outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it is usually too dark to read.

08-05-2010, 04:41 PM	#772 (permalink)
shadoquad A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: . Posts: 42,608 Drives: . Rep Power: 3886	A man is walking on the beach and he trips over a lamp. He brushes it off and a genie appears. The genie says, "You may have three wishes, with the caveat that whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will receive double as much." The man pauses pensively. "First, I want my own island with food and water to support me the rest of my days." The genie obliges, but also bestows the man's ex-wife with an island twice as large and twice as plentiful. The man is impressed and continues, "I want 50 trillion dollars." The genie obliges, but then also gives 100 trillion to the ex. "I've given it a lot of thought," says the man, "and for my third wish, I'd like to be beaten half to death."

08-05-2010, 05:06 PM	#779 (permalink)
shadoquad A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: . Posts: 42,608 Drives: . Rep Power: 3886	A despondent man walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender approaches him, "What'll it be, buddy?" The man says, "bottle of your strongest, harshest hooch, and keep it coming." The bartender tries to ask what is wrong, but the man keeps pushing him away. Finally into his second bottle, the man relents. "I came home early to surprise my wife. I walk in, and there she is in bed with my best friend." "No," the bartender says comfortingly. "What did you say to her?" "Well, I says, you get your sht and get out of here, you cheating whre!" "Man," says the bartender, "That's hard. But good for you, bro. You told her. Now, what did you say to your best friend?" The man answered, "I looked that son of a bitch square in the eyes and I said BAD DOG!"

08-05-2010, 05:11 PM	#780 (permalink)
Jeffblue A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: NY Age: 36 Posts: 9,192 Drives: Z32TT & 335xi Coupe Rep Power: 37	She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother ran in the room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen