Joke of the Day

Togo · 08-05-2010, 03:46 PM

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, the slowest and weakest ones at the back are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

shadoquad · 08-05-2010, 03:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Togo

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, the slowest and weakest ones at the back are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

lol Cliff Clavin

"I once went to Las Vegas in a $30,000 Z car and came back in a $250,000 bus."

shadoquad · 08-05-2010, 04:06 PM

A despondent man walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender approaches him, "What'll it be, buddy?"

The man says, "bottle of your strongest, harshest hooch, and keep it coming."

The bartender tries to ask what is wrong, but the man keeps pushing him away.

Finally into his second bottle, the man relents. "I came home early to surprise my wife. I walk in, and there she is in bed with my best friend."

"No," the bartender says comfortingly. "What did you say to her?"

"Well, I says, you get your sh*t and get out of here, you cheating wh*re!"

"Man," says the bartender, "That's hard. But good for you, bro. You told her. Now, what did you say to your best friend?"

The man answered, "I looked that son of a bitch square in the eyes and I said BAD DOG!"

Jeffblue · 08-05-2010, 04:11 PM

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother ran in the room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen

xiven · 08-05-2010, 04:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jeffblue

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother ran in the room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen

Togo · 08-06-2010, 01:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jeffblue

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother ran in the room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen

It's a good one, I still laugh, but I posted it a few pages back already.

XwChriswX · 08-06-2010, 02:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Togo

It's a good one, I still laugh, but I posted it a few pages back already.

Repost fail lol

bp240 · 08-07-2010, 01:04 AM

in the past 4 pages i mustve read the bp joke atleast 3 times

shadoquad · 08-14-2010, 09:45 PM

A man's wife is in a horrendous accident.

At the hospital, several hours later, the doctor emerges from surgery with a solemn look on his face. "Mr. Arnold, your wife is going to make it. But she's suffered considerable damage. She should live for another 40, maybe 50 years, but she'll have no control of her motor function. You'll have to feed her, bathe her, wipe her. Your life will be one of servitude for the rest of your life."

The man starts to collapse in tears, but the doctor interrupts with a big smile, "I'm just fuckin' with ya, she died an hour ago!"

SmoothZ · 08-28-2010, 11:27 AM

THE WIDOW AND THE COWHAND
=============================
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very attractive woman and determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place
an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have
him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and
knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have
done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.
You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and
no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon
entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the
fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra."
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told.

"And now take off my thong", and he dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said,
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

shadoquad · 08-28-2010, 02:43 PM

XwChriswX · 08-28-2010, 04:16 PM

I never knew Shado moonlighted as a Cowhand??

Learn something new everyday...

fullmonty · 08-28-2010, 05:01 PM

Hahahahhaa thats pretty good

Lemers · 08-28-2010, 06:17 PM

A male and female whale were swimming by a ship and the male said "why don't we swim over there and knock some sailors into the ocean by spraying water at them and then eat them". The female said "I don't mind the blowjob but I'm not eating seamen".

Austin · 08-30-2010, 08:39 PM

What did the zero say to the eight?

Nice belt.

08-05-2010, 03:46 PM	#1 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, the slowest and weakest ones at the back are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers. __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

08-28-2010, 11:27 AM	#10 (permalink)
SmoothZ A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Arrakis Posts: 7,952 Drives: giant sandworm Rep Power: 36	THE WIDOW AND THE COWHAND ============================= A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very attractive woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told. "And now take off my thong", and he dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired." __________________ "Once you go Asian, you never go Caucasian." "I talk to myself, and when I do that, I know I'm talking to an intelligent person."

08-28-2010, 04:16 PM	#12 (permalink)
XwChriswX WFLYIDNNE Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: In The Fastlane Posts: 50,648 Drives: 02 GDB WRX Rep Power: 452	I never knew Shado moonlighted as a Cowhand?? Learn something new everyday... __________________ Bonnie - Stage 2, Audio build coming this fall! R.I.P. Abby 3/29/10 - 3/30/14

08-28-2010, 05:01 PM	#13 (permalink)
fullmonty A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Dirty Jersey Posts: 7,762 Drives: 370 Touring/Sport Rep Power: 34	Hahahahhaa thats pretty good __________________

08-28-2010, 06:17 PM	#14 (permalink)
Lemers A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Izmir, Turkey Posts: 15,371 Drives: 2012 Traverse LTZ Rep Power: 53	A male and female whale were swimming by a ship and the male said "why don't we swim over there and knock some sailors into the ocean by spraying water at them and then eat them". The female said "I don't mind the blowjob but I'm not eating seamen". __________________ 2010 Black Cherry Touring/Sport/Nav Now - 2012 Travese LTZ until I leave for Turkey

08-05-2010, 04:06 PM	#3 (permalink)
shadoquad A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: . Posts: 42,608 Drives: . Rep Power: 3886	A despondent man walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender approaches him, "What'll it be, buddy?" The man says, "bottle of your strongest, harshest hooch, and keep it coming." The bartender tries to ask what is wrong, but the man keeps pushing him away. Finally into his second bottle, the man relents. "I came home early to surprise my wife. I walk in, and there she is in bed with my best friend." "No," the bartender says comfortingly. "What did you say to her?" "Well, I says, you get your sht and get out of here, you cheating whre!" "Man," says the bartender, "That's hard. But good for you, bro. You told her. Now, what did you say to your best friend?" The man answered, "I looked that son of a bitch square in the eyes and I said BAD DOG!"

08-05-2010, 04:11 PM	#4 (permalink)
Jeffblue A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: NY Age: 37 Posts: 9,192 Drives: Z32TT & 335xi Coupe Rep Power: 38	She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother ran in the room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen

08-07-2010, 01:04 AM	#8 (permalink)
bp240 Base Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: north jersey Posts: 19 Drives: 05 Infiniti G35 coup Rep Power: 15	in the past 4 pages i mustve read the bp joke atleast 3 times

08-14-2010, 09:45 PM	#9 (permalink)
shadoquad A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: . Posts: 42,608 Drives: . Rep Power: 3886	A man's wife is in a horrendous accident. At the hospital, several hours later, the doctor emerges from surgery with a solemn look on his face. "Mr. Arnold, your wife is going to make it. But she's suffered considerable damage. She should live for another 40, maybe 50 years, but she'll have no control of her motor function. You'll have to feed her, bathe her, wipe her. Your life will be one of servitude for the rest of your life." The man starts to collapse in tears, but the doctor interrupts with a big smile, "I'm just fuckin' with ya, she died an hour ago!"

08-28-2010, 02:43 PM	#11 (permalink)
shadoquad A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: . Posts: 42,608 Drives: . Rep Power: 3886

08-30-2010, 08:39 PM	#15 (permalink)
Austin Base Member Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Kansas City Posts: 53 Drives: 2007 350z Rep Power: 16	What did the zero say to the eight? Nice belt.