Joke of the Day

Chico370Z · 02-26-2010, 01:37 PM

A comparative study of economic systems
Socialism
You have 2 cows that you've worked hard for. The government takes one of them and gives it to your neighbour who doesn't have cows because he's too lazy to get off his ***.

Communism
You have 2 cows. The government takes them both away and gives you some milk in return.

Fascism
You have 2 cows. The government takes them both away and offers to sell you milk.

Nazism
You have 2 cows. The government takes them both away and then shoots you.

Bureaucracy
You have 2 cows. The government takes them both away, shoots one, milks the other one and pours the milk down the drain.

Traditional capitalism
You have 2 cows. You trade one for a bull, breed an entire hurd, sell the whole shebang and go live off the interest.

Lehman Brothers capitalism
You have 2 cows. You sell 3 of them to a daughter franchise in Korea using the credit you got from an Icelandic bank through your mother-in-law. Next, you make a deal with a company in the Cayman Islands to buy your 4 cows and donate them back to you, so you can deduct the taxes for the 5 cows. You let a henchman invest the grants paid to you by the EU for your 6 cows into your Korean daughter franchise. In your annual report you indicate 8 cows with an option for a 9th. You sell 3 cows to buy an American farm and subsequently get exposed on the American market for not actually knowing the first damn thing about cows. You claim that you don't understand why your stables are empty and get sent to prison.

American system
You have 2 cows. You sell one and force the other one to give milk for 4. You're surprised when the poor animal drops dead.

Wallonian system (= French speaking southern part of Belgium)
You have 2 cows. You go on strike because you want 3.

Flemmish system (=Dutch speaking northern part of Belgium)
You have 2 cows and start deliberating endlessly with everybody about the conditions to start deliberating [sic]about how those cows should be milked and cared for.

Japanese system
You have 2 cows. You genetically manipulate them to become 10 times smaller than a normal cow and give 20 times more milk.

German system
You have 2 cows. You genetically manipulate them so they live to the age of 100, only need food once a month and can milk themselves.

British system
You have 2 cows. They're both mad.
Quid pro pro: the Dutch system!
A farmer somewhere in a country village has 2 cows. You and some other guys from the big city form a committee to determine how this farmer can best look after his 2 cows and milk them as animal-friendly as possible. Next, you go court and demand that this farmer follows your committee's guidelines.

Italian system
You have 2 cows, but you're not sure where they are... and now you're off to go eat some spaghetti.

Russian system
You have 2 cows. You count them and discover there are 5. You count them again and discover there are 30. You count them again and discover there are 17. You give up on counting and open your 4th bottle of Vodka this morning.

French system
You have 2 cows. They are the most important cows in the world.

Swiss system
You have 500 cows, but none of them are actually yours. You make a living by looking after them for some "unknown" foreigners.

Austrian system
You have 2 cows in the basement, but the neighbours have never seen them.

Danish system
You have 2 cows in a design barn and now everybody wants that combination.

Maroccan system
You have 2 cows who love to (endlessly) negotiate the milk prices by themselves.

Spanish system
You had 2 cows, but you used that handsome EU grant to turn them into sausages and ground beef.

Swedish system
You sell cows cheaply, packed in a box which also contains a nice leaflet explaining how to milk them. A tiny bucket is included.

Scottish system
You have 2 cows, but the English refuse to recognize them as yours. They do want your milk profits though.

And finally, the Wisconsin system
You have 1 cow, to which you're married.

Chico370Z · 03-04-2010, 01:03 PM

wow, bump this to the top...anyone?

phelan · 03-10-2010, 03:55 PM

Because brog0 became slowg0...

Ten ways to say your zipper is down:
-The cucumber has left the salad
-Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his beels
-You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position
-Paging Mr. Johnson...paging Mr. Johnson...
-Elvis is leaving the building.
-The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
-Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
-You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
-Men may be from Mars...but I see something that rhymes with Venus.

and top to it all off:

I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts!

phelan · 03-10-2010, 04:00 PM

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the major.
She asked, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am, just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes ma'am, a lot of action."
Trying to start up a conversation, the young lady said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The sergeant major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955," he replied.
"Well, there you are, No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.
Afterwards, she leaned against his chest and said, "Wow you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The sergeant major said in a serious voice, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

simota1 · 03-10-2010, 04:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by phelan

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the major.
She asked, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am, just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes ma'am, a lot of action."
Trying to start up a conversation, the young lady said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The sergeant major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955," he replied.
"Well, there you are, No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.
Afterwards, she leaned against his chest and said, "Wow you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The sergeant major said in a serious voice, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

hahahahaha

btw phelan ur sig is LOL phelan hahahah

Togo · 03-10-2010, 04:37 PM

OK, br0g0 to the rescue!!!

An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.

One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.

"Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."

Togo · 03-10-2010, 04:40 PM

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)

"I kicked her in the face."

Togo · 03-10-2010, 04:40 PM

A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders 10 shots of tequila.

The bartender pours the shots and asks the man if he is feeling OK. The man responds by saying that he is fine and he's actually celebrating his first blowjob. He then knocks back all 10 shots one after the other.

The bartender says to the man, "Hey, since it was your first blowjob, let me buy you another shot."

The man replies "No, no... if 10 shots of tequila doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."

Togo · 03-10-2010, 04:43 PM

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"

"That`s awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."

"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "Could it have been worse?"

"Well," replied Frank, "If it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"

phelan · 03-10-2010, 04:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Togo

OK, br0g0 to the rescue!!!

An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.

One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.

"Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."

ewwwwwwww >_< hahahaha

Togo · 03-10-2010, 04:47 PM

At the airport, after getting all the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me your Eminence," says the limo driver, "Would you please take your seat so that we can leave?"

"To tell you the truth," says the Pope,"they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd loose my job! What if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, my God, I'm gonna loose my license," moaned the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches. But the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going at a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger"

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger"

Chief: "Senator?"

Cop: "Bigger"

"Well," said the Chief, " Who is it?"

Cop: " I think it's Jesus!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's Jesus?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"

Togo · 03-10-2010, 04:50 PM

First Jewish Woman President...

The year is 2012 and the United States of America has recently elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb. She calls up her mother a few weeks after election day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my gout is acting up again."

"Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?"

"Oh Mom" replies Susan, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York."

"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."

The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher all the way. Mom, I really
want you to come."

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 21, 2013, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States of America. In the front row sits the new president's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her.

"You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States?"

The Senator whispers back, "Yes I do."

Mom says proudly, "Her brother's a doctor."

Togo · 03-10-2010, 04:53 PM

Every day at the office, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "So what's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

Togo · 03-10-2010, 05:01 PM

Bono is at a U2 concert in Ireland when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone: "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

An Irish voice from near the front of the audience pierces the silence: "Fuckin' stop doin' it then!"

Togo · 03-10-2010, 05:05 PM

THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but only "down under."

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when
they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch

02-26-2010, 01:37 PM	#616 (permalink)
Chico370Z Base Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: East Bay, CA Posts: 233 Drives: 09 370Z Touring Rep Power: 16	A comparative study of economic systems Socialism You have 2 cows that you've worked hard for. The government takes one of them and gives it to your neighbour who doesn't have cows because he's too lazy to get off his ***. Communism You have 2 cows. The government takes them both away and gives you some milk in return. Fascism You have 2 cows. The government takes them both away and offers to sell you milk. Nazism You have 2 cows. The government takes them both away and then shoots you. Bureaucracy You have 2 cows. The government takes them both away, shoots one, milks the other one and pours the milk down the drain. Traditional capitalism You have 2 cows. You trade one for a bull, breed an entire hurd, sell the whole shebang and go live off the interest. Lehman Brothers capitalism You have 2 cows. You sell 3 of them to a daughter franchise in Korea using the credit you got from an Icelandic bank through your mother-in-law. Next, you make a deal with a company in the Cayman Islands to buy your 4 cows and donate them back to you, so you can deduct the taxes for the 5 cows. You let a henchman invest the grants paid to you by the EU for your 6 cows into your Korean daughter franchise. In your annual report you indicate 8 cows with an option for a 9th. You sell 3 cows to buy an American farm and subsequently get exposed on the American market for not actually knowing the first damn thing about cows. You claim that you don't understand why your stables are empty and get sent to prison. American system You have 2 cows. You sell one and force the other one to give milk for 4. You're surprised when the poor animal drops dead. Wallonian system (= French speaking southern part of Belgium) You have 2 cows. You go on strike because you want 3. Flemmish system (=Dutch speaking northern part of Belgium) You have 2 cows and start deliberating endlessly with everybody about the conditions to start deliberating [sic]about how those cows should be milked and cared for. Japanese system You have 2 cows. You genetically manipulate them to become 10 times smaller than a normal cow and give 20 times more milk. German system You have 2 cows. You genetically manipulate them so they live to the age of 100, only need food once a month and can milk themselves. British system You have 2 cows. They're both mad. Quid pro pro: the Dutch system! A farmer somewhere in a country village has 2 cows. You and some other guys from the big city form a committee to determine how this farmer can best look after his 2 cows and milk them as animal-friendly as possible. Next, you go court and demand that this farmer follows your committee's guidelines. Italian system You have 2 cows, but you're not sure where they are... and now you're off to go eat some spaghetti. Russian system You have 2 cows. You count them and discover there are 5. You count them again and discover there are 30. You count them again and discover there are 17. You give up on counting and open your 4th bottle of Vodka this morning. French system You have 2 cows. They are the most important cows in the world. Swiss system You have 500 cows, but none of them are actually yours. You make a living by looking after them for some "unknown" foreigners. Austrian system You have 2 cows in the basement, but the neighbours have never seen them. Danish system You have 2 cows in a design barn and now everybody wants that combination. Maroccan system You have 2 cows who love to (endlessly) negotiate the milk prices by themselves. Spanish system You had 2 cows, but you used that handsome EU grant to turn them into sausages and ground beef. Swedish system You sell cows cheaply, packed in a box which also contains a nice leaflet explaining how to milk them. A tiny bucket is included. Scottish system You have 2 cows, but the English refuse to recognize them as yours. They do want your milk profits though. And finally, the Wisconsin system You have 1 cow, to which you're married. __________________ 04 Nissan Sentra SpecV: Brembos, Nismo Intake/Exhaust/Short Shifter, Eibach Sportlines, ES MMI - SOLD / / / 09 Nissan 370Z Touring: Invidia Gemini Exhaust, ERZ HFC, GTM 25 Row Cooler, Z1 Tubes, and K&N Drop Ins

03-04-2010, 01:03 PM	#617 (permalink)
Chico370Z Base Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: East Bay, CA Posts: 233 Drives: 09 370Z Touring Rep Power: 16	wow, bump this to the top...anyone? __________________ 04 Nissan Sentra SpecV: Brembos, Nismo Intake/Exhaust/Short Shifter, Eibach Sportlines, ES MMI - SOLD / / / 09 Nissan 370Z Touring: Invidia Gemini Exhaust, ERZ HFC, GTM 25 Row Cooler, Z1 Tubes, and K&N Drop Ins

03-10-2010, 03:55 PM	#618 (permalink)
phelan A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: CA Age: 38 Posts: 9,513 Drives: Scoobaroo Rep Power: 3406	Because brog0 became slowg0... Ten ways to say your zipper is down: -The cucumber has left the salad -Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his beels -You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position -Paging Mr. Johnson...paging Mr. Johnson... -Elvis is leaving the building. -The Buick is not all the way in the garage. -Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction. -You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones. -Men may be from Mars...but I see something that rhymes with Venus. and top to it all off: I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts! __________________ 凛 ('Rin') - 2009 Nissan 370Z With silence comes peace. With peace comes freedom. With freedom comes silence.

03-10-2010, 04:00 PM	#619 (permalink)
phelan A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: CA Age: 38 Posts: 9,513 Drives: Scoobaroo Rep Power: 3406	A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the major. She asked, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am, just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes ma'am, a lot of action." Trying to start up a conversation, the young lady said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The sergeant major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" "1955," he replied. "Well, there you are, No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times. Afterwards, she leaned against his chest and said, "Wow you sure didn't forget much since 1955." The sergeant major said in a serious voice, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now." __________________ 凛 ('Rin') - 2009 Nissan 370Z With silence comes peace. With peace comes freedom. With freedom comes silence.

03-10-2010, 04:37 PM	#621 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	OK, br0g0 to the rescue!!! An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts. One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime. "Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's." __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

03-10-2010, 04:40 PM	#622 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." "Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" (Paul slumps back over the bar again.) "I kicked her in the face." __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

03-10-2010, 04:40 PM	#623 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders 10 shots of tequila. The bartender pours the shots and asks the man if he is feeling OK. The man responds by saying that he is fine and he's actually celebrating his first blowjob. He then knocks back all 10 shots one after the other. The bartender says to the man, "Hey, since it was your first blowjob, let me buy you another shot." The man replies "No, no... if 10 shots of tequila doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will." __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

03-10-2010, 04:43 PM	#624 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it. On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!" "That`s awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse." "How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "Could it have been worse?" "Well," replied Frank, "If it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!" __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

03-10-2010, 04:47 PM	#626 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	At the airport, after getting all the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me your Eminence," says the limo driver, "Would you please take your seat so that we can leave?" "To tell you the truth," says the Pope,"they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today." "I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd loose my job! What if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. "There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. "Please slow down, Your Holiness!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, my God, I'm gonna loose my license," moaned the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches. But the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going at a hundred and five. "So bust him," said the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop. The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?" Cop: "Bigger" Chief: "Governor?" Cop: "Bigger" Chief: "Senator?" Cop: "Bigger" "Well," said the Chief, " Who is it?" Cop: " I think it's Jesus!" Chief: "What makes you think it's Jesus?" Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!" __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

03-10-2010, 04:50 PM	#627 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	First Jewish Woman President... The year is 2012 and the United States of America has recently elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb. She calls up her mother a few weeks after election day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?" "I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my gout is acting up again." "Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door." "I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?" "Oh Mom" replies Susan, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York." "Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat." The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come." So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 21, 2013, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States of America. In the front row sits the new president's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her. "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States?" The Senator whispers back, "Yes I do." Mom says proudly, "Her brother's a doctor." __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

03-10-2010, 04:53 PM	#628 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	Every day at the office, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "So what's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget." __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

03-10-2010, 05:01 PM	#629 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	Bono is at a U2 concert in Ireland when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone: "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." An Irish voice from near the front of the audience pierces the silence: "Fuckin' stop doin' it then!" __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

03-10-2010, 05:05 PM	#630 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR? A: It's Braille for "suck here". Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS? A: It's the same as a French kiss, but only "down under." Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS? A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear. Q: WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN? A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them. Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING? A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan