Joke of the Day

simota1

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Chico370Z

LOL nice!

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04 Nissan Sentra SpecV: Brembos, Nismo Intake/Exhaust/Short Shifter, Eibach Sportlines, ES MMI - SOLD / / / 09 Nissan 370Z Touring: Invidia Gemini Exhaust, ERZ HFC, GTM 25 Row Cooler, Z1 Tubes, and K&N Drop Ins

bullitt5897

I love it!!! hahaha I so know that feeling! I hate it when they cant keep their helmet off mine lol

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Shop Cars: 2013 318whp Nismo VspecII 370z *SOLD*, 2009 1000hp+ 93oct 4.0L TT 370z Fast Intentions STAGE 4 #054

Togo

I've got marks on the back of my helmet from girls too.. hahah. I'm glad there are some riders that get that joke!

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This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan.

Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

370zproject

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Brake Upgrade Package ate blue, hawk hp ceramic pads, and slotted rotors

Togo

George Carlinism's

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts", and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

20. Why do people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older? Are they cramming for their final exam?

21. Our mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

25. No one ever says, "It's only a game", when their team is winning.

26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

28. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

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This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan.

Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

Togo

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals.

The chief comes to them and says, "the bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, he says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, "a pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "gimme a fork."

The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible.

The chief is appalled, even for a cannibal. He asks, "My God almighty, what are you doing?"

And the New Yorker replies, "So much for your canoe!"

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This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan.

Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

Togo

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole?

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....



FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"

I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens balls"

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.

I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."

My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.

The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.

One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".

I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."

Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"

"No," he replied.

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.

Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ?"

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?!

We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:

"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

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This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan.

Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

Togo

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip....but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his Elves were sick, and the trainee Elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs Claus told Santa that her mum was coming to visit. This stressed out Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer he found that three of them were about to give birth, two had jumped over the fence and were out, heaven knows where. MORE STRESS! Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. SO, frustrated Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he opened the cupboard he found that the Elves had hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into a lot of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that the mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed as he went to answer the door. On the front step was a little Angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The Angel said "where would you like to put this tree?"

And THAT my friends, is how the little Angel came to be on top of Christmas trees!

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This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan.

Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

Togo

Cough Syrup

The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. He asks the blonde clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The blonde clerk responds, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The pharmacist yells, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"

The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough."

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This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan.

Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

Togo

This might be a repost but I can't remember..

There was a father planting a garden with his 3 year old daughter.

The daughter asks, "Daddy what kind of spider is that?"

He replies "that is a daddy long legs spider."

She says "Look there is one spider on top of another spider, what are they doing?"

Her dad says "They are making baby spiders."

She asks "Is the one on top a daddy long legs and the one on the bottom a mommy long legs?"

Her dad says "No they are both daddy long legs."

She ponders this for a moment then she stomps on the spiders and says "Well, we are NOT having that kind of shit in our garden!"

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This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan.

Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

Togo

Paddy the Irishman was driving home one night and he's all over the road.

The cops pull him over and the says "Paddy you're so drunk you're weaving all over the road. You are weaving so bad your wife fell out of the car aways back."

Paddy replies "Oh praise be to God! For a minute there I thought I was goin' deaf!"

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This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan.

Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

370zproject

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Brake Upgrade Package ate blue, hawk hp ceramic pads, and slotted rotors

XwChriswX

Last time I checked, the names of Santa's Reindeer were:

• Dasher
• Dancer
• Prancer
• Vixen
• Comet
• Cupid
• Donner
• Blitzen
• Rudolf

Most of which sound pretty masculine...

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Bonnie - Stage 2, Audio build coming this fall!
R.I.P. Abby 3/29/10 - 3/30/14

vipor

Magical reindeer like the ones Santa uses are asexual.

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2009 NISMO # 0193 | QAB | Albums! | 05.04.10 (Dynojet) 291.94hp/248.28tq
Oil Cooler (DIY) | Custom Headlights | GTSPEC Braces | F.I. Long Tube Headers