Joke of the Day

Togo

The Italian says: "I rub my wife with oil all over her body and before I'm through she screams for 5 minutes!"

The Frenchman says: "I rub my wife all over her body with butter and before I'm through she screams for half an hour!"

The Jew says: "I rub my wife all over with chicken fat and before I'm through she screams for 6 hours!"

"Six hours!" they ask. " How is that possible?"

"The secret is to wipe your hands on the drapes when you're through."

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This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan.

Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

Togo

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your dick is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."

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This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan.

Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

Togo

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.

As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"

She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"

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This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan.

Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

phelan

ewwww but

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凛 ('Rin') - 2009 Nissan 370Z
With silence comes peace. With peace comes freedom. With freedom comes silence.

Togo

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

__________________
This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan.

Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

Togo

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a police officer, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde,stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but......" He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

__________________
This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan.

Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

Togo

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

__________________
This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan.

Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

Togo

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man's penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off.

Surprised, the daughter asked her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"

Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, "It....it was only a bug, Honey."

The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said..

"Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"

__________________
This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan.

Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

Togo

While visiting England, President Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen.
"Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister.
Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds ,"It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen.
She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, President Bush?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister.
Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"


Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb ass, it's Tony Blair!"

__________________
This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan.

Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

Togo

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When The postal authorities received the letter to God , USA , they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:


Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money.
However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through
Washington, DC., and those fuckers deducted $95.00 in taxes.

__________________
This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan.

Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

Togo

Here was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful, and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard,"

She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids."

__________________
This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan.

Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

Mergnthwirker

A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day she calls home and a strange woman answers.

Wife: Who is this?

Maid: This is the maid.

Wife: We don't have a maid.

Maid: I was hired this morning by the man of the house.

Wife: Well, this is his wife. Is he there?

Maid: He's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I assumed was his wife.

The wife is fuming. She says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?

MAID: Of course! What will I have to do?

WIFE: I want you to take my gun from the desk and shoot him and the woman he's with.

The maid puts the phone down. The wife hears footsteps, then gunshots, then more footsteps.

MAID: What do I do with the bodies?

WIFE: Just drag them out and throw them in the swimming pool.

MAID: There's no pool here.

A long pause.

WIFE: Is this 832-4821?

Togo

__________________
This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan.

Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

Xan

$95 in taxes...

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Togo

A woman visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the Tarot reader delivered the bad news: "There is no easy way to say this so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.

She met the Tarot reader's gaze, steadied her voice and asked,













"Will I get away with it?"

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This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan.

Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan