Joke of the Day

Chico370Z · 02-01-2010, 02:00 PM

bump 4 monday

XBadgerX · 02-01-2010, 02:19 PM

A guy walks into the bar and notices a jar of money on the counter filled with $10 bills. The Guy ask's the bartender, "what is up with the jar?"

Bartender: You can win the jar full of money if you complete 3 tasks, but it is going to cost you $10.

Guy: Ok what are the tasks?

Bartender: "Money First, then I will tell you" (So the guy figures he really doesn't mind losing the $10 and figures it would be worth a shot to try maybe)

"First task: You have to drink a 1/4 of tequila without making a smirk

Second task: You then have to go out back, where there is a Pitbull tied up to a post w/ a sore tooth. You must remove said tooth from the Pitbull.

Third task: After you remove the tooth, you then have to go upstairs and have sex with the 90 year old lady who will be waiting for you."

Guy: "Screw that" The guy walks away...Later in the night, the guy is completley trashed and goes up to the bartender

Guy: "Gimme that Tequila." The guy downs the whole bottle without a smirk
Guy: "Where is the DOG!?" Bartender points at the door that leads to the back. At this point the customers in the bar are quite interested to see if the man is going to be able to complete the tasks. They hear Barking, Yelling, Screaming, Growling, and moaning..
the guy walks back into the bar scratched up and bleeding..
"Alright, where is the old lady with the sore tooth?"

Mergnthwirker · 02-03-2010, 12:22 PM

A man walks into a bar....

A rather ugly man walks into a bar with a big grin on his face, and orders a draft beer.

What are you so happy about?', asks the Bartender.

'Well, I'll tell you,' replies the ugly man. 'As you know, I live by the
railroad tracks. On my way home from the bar, last night, I noticed a young woman, with a fantastic body, tied to the tracks, just like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free, and took her back to my place.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything: me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!'

'Fantastic, you lucky bastard!', exclaimed the Bartender. Was she pretty?'

'I Don't know. I Never found the head."

vipor · 02-03-2010, 12:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mergnthwirker

A man walks into a bar....

A rather ugly man walks into a bar with a big grin on his face, and orders a draft beer.

What are you so happy about?', asks the Bartender.

'Well, I'll tell you,' replies the ugly man. 'As you know, I live by the
railroad tracks. On my way home from the bar, last night, I noticed a young woman, with a fantastic body, tied to the tracks, just like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free, and took her back to my place.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything: me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!'

'Fantastic, you lucky bastard!', exclaimed the Bartender. Was she pretty?'

'I Don't know. I Never found the head."

SigPapa226 · 02-03-2010, 02:17 PM

TWFWFSFS

phelan · 02-03-2010, 06:38 PM

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School, usually sleeping through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping. "Tell me, Mary, who created the Universe?"

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary. The teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.

A while later, the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?", but Mary was still asleep. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue, and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary. The teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. Mary shouted:

"If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

Sibze · 02-04-2010, 11:19 PM

Just try reading this without laughing until you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun - a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary, and I was looking
for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was
a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were
supposed to be short-lived, with no long-term adverse effect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I
pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same
time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between
the prongs.
AWESOME!!! (Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that
burn spot is on the face of her microwave.)

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat
in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul)
while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to
try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I
thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
better of it...she is such a sweet cat. If I was going to give this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really and (loaded with
two itsybitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "No possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as if to say, "Don't do it, 'dipsh*t,'" reasoning that a one-second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD...WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION...WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making
meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame
hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting
slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A
three-second burst would be considered conservative. IT HURT LIKE
HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from
where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,
and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my
sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which
I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm
offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S. My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift,
and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!

SigPapa226 · 02-05-2010, 08:15 AM

Awesome!!!!!!!!!!

simota1 · 02-05-2010, 10:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sibze

Just try reading this without laughing until you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun - a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary, and I was looking
for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was
a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were
supposed to be short-lived, with no long-term adverse effect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I
pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same
time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between
the prongs.
AWESOME!!! (Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that
burn spot is on the face of her microwave.)

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat
in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul)
while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to
try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I
thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
better of it...she is such a sweet cat. If I was going to give this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really and (loaded with
two itsybitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "No possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as if to say, "Don't do it, 'dipsh*t,'" reasoning that a one-second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD...WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION...WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making
meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame
hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting
slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A
three-second burst would be considered conservative. IT HURT LIKE
HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from
where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,
and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my
sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which
I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm
offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S. My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift,
and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!

Chico370Z · 02-05-2010, 11:50 AM

lol nice

protoZ · 02-06-2010, 10:37 PM

Funny ass shit

Sibze · 02-08-2010, 12:49 AM

I bet ya its not even a joke... I can see someone doing that!

XwChriswX · 02-08-2010, 02:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sibze

Just try reading this without laughing until you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun - a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary, and I was looking
for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was
a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were
supposed to be short-lived, with no long-term adverse effect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I
pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same
time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between
the prongs.
AWESOME!!! (Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that
burn spot is on the face of her microwave.)

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat
in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul)
while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to
try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I
thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
better of it...she is such a sweet cat. If I was going to give this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really and (loaded with
two itsybitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "No possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as if to say, "Don't do it, 'dipsh*t,'" reasoning that a one-second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD...WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION...WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making
meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame
hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting
slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A
three-second burst would be considered conservative. IT HURT LIKE
HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from
where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,
and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my
sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which
I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm
offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S. My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift,
and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!

OMG That is the funniest fukin thing I've ever read... LOL

Togo · 02-11-2010, 07:08 PM

A woman storms into a pet shop demanding her money back from the owner. “You sold me this frog and told me it would be able to satisfy all my sexual desires!”

The clerk tries to calm her down and asks, “Did you do what I told you to do?”

“Yes, dammit! I got naked, lay back on my bed, and put him between my legs just like you said, and he did nothing!” she shouts.

The owner, looking confused, replies, “It’s a perfectly trained frog. I can’t understand what’s wrong.”

He takes the woman and the frog to a back room in the shop, where he places the frog on a small table next to a bed and asks the woman to please lie down and remove her panties.

“What?” she shouts.

Turning to the frog, he says, “Now watch carefully, because this is the last time I’m showing you this!”

Togo · 02-11-2010, 07:11 PM

Two couples were playing cards one evening. One of the husbands, Jerry, accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Ray's wife Shaniqua, had her legs spread wide, and she wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jerry, upon trying to sit up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jerry went into the kitchen to get some refreshments. Shaniqua followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under the table?"

Surprised by her boldness, Jerry courageously admitted that, well, yes, he did. She said, "You can have it, but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jerry indicated that he was indeed interested.

She told him that since her husband, Ray, works Friday afternoons and Jerry doesn't, that Jerry should be at her house around 2:00 PM, Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolls around, Jerry shows up at Ray's house for sex with Ray's wife at 2:00 PM sharp, and after paying her the agreed upon $500.00, they go to her bedroom and have fantastic sex, just as Shaniqua had promised. Afterwards, Jerry quickly dresses and leaves.

As was his habit at 6:00 PM, Ray returned home from work. Upon entering the house and encountering his wife, he asked loudly, "Did Jerry come by with my money?"

With a lump in her throat, Ray's wife answered, "Oh yeah, he did stop by here for a few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when Ray curtly asked, "And did he give you $500.00?"

In terror she assumed she'd somehow been found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, she replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me five hundred dollars."

Ray, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised Shaniqua by saying, "Good, I was hoping so. Jerry came by my office this morning and borrowed five hundred dollars from me. He promised me he'd stop by this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

02-01-2010, 02:00 PM	#511 (permalink)
Chico370Z Base Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: East Bay, CA Posts: 233 Drives: 09 370Z Touring Rep Power: 16	bump 4 monday __________________ 04 Nissan Sentra SpecV: Brembos, Nismo Intake/Exhaust/Short Shifter, Eibach Sportlines, ES MMI - SOLD / / / 09 Nissan 370Z Touring: Invidia Gemini Exhaust, ERZ HFC, GTM 25 Row Cooler, Z1 Tubes, and K&N Drop Ins

02-03-2010, 02:17 PM	#515 (permalink)
SigPapa226 Base Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Virginia Posts: 205 Drives: 300 ZXTT, 370 ZR Rep Power: 16	TWFWFSFS __________________ Black 300ZX TT Stock + Megan CBE; Black Cherry 370Z Roadster, 6MT, Touring, Sport, Nav., 3-way Fog Light (Running, brake & flashing backup), Triple Tone Air Horns.

02-03-2010, 06:38 PM	#516 (permalink)
phelan A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: CA Age: 38 Posts: 9,513 Drives: Scoobaroo Rep Power: 3406	Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School, usually sleeping through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping. "Tell me, Mary, who created the Universe?" When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary. The teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep. A while later, the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?", but Mary was still asleep. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue, and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary. The teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. Mary shouted: "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!" __________________ 凛 ('Rin') - 2009 Nissan 370Z With silence comes peace. With peace comes freedom. With freedom comes silence.

02-04-2010, 11:19 PM	#517 (permalink)
Sibze A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 16,202 Drives: In your way Rep Power: 63	Just try reading this without laughing until you cry!!! Pocket Tazer Stun Gun - a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary, and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short-lived, with no long-term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety... WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! (Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.) Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it...she is such a sweet cat. If I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsybitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "No possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it, 'dipsht,'" reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD...WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION...WHAT THE HELL!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative. IT HURT LIKE HELL!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return! P.S. My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!! Last edited by Sibze; 02-04-2010 at 11:22 PM.*

02-05-2010, 08:15 AM	#518 (permalink)
SigPapa226 Base Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Virginia Posts: 205 Drives: 300 ZXTT, 370 ZR Rep Power: 16	Awesome!!!!!!!!!! __________________ Black 300ZX TT Stock + Megan CBE; Black Cherry 370Z Roadster, 6MT, Touring, Sport, Nav., 3-way Fog Light (Running, brake & flashing backup), Triple Tone Air Horns.

02-01-2010, 02:19 PM	#512 (permalink)
XBadgerX Base Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Virginia Posts: 105 Drives: 07 Honda 600RR Rep Power: 16	A guy walks into the bar and notices a jar of money on the counter filled with $10 bills. The Guy ask's the bartender, "what is up with the jar?" Bartender: You can win the jar full of money if you complete 3 tasks, but it is going to cost you $10. Guy: Ok what are the tasks? Bartender: "Money First, then I will tell you" (So the guy figures he really doesn't mind losing the $10 and figures it would be worth a shot to try maybe) "First task: You have to drink a 1/4 of tequila without making a smirk Second task: You then have to go out back, where there is a Pitbull tied up to a post w/ a sore tooth. You must remove said tooth from the Pitbull. Third task: After you remove the tooth, you then have to go upstairs and have sex with the 90 year old lady who will be waiting for you." Guy: "Screw that" The guy walks away...Later in the night, the guy is completley trashed and goes up to the bartender Guy: "Gimme that Tequila." The guy downs the whole bottle without a smirk Guy: "Where is the DOG!?" Bartender points at the door that leads to the back. At this point the customers in the bar are quite interested to see if the man is going to be able to complete the tasks. They hear Barking, Yelling, Screaming, Growling, and moaning.. the guy walks back into the bar scratched up and bleeding.. "Alright, where is the old lady with the sore tooth?"

02-03-2010, 12:22 PM	#513 (permalink)
Mergnthwirker Base Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Connecticut USA Posts: 243 Drives: '09 370Z PW MT6 S Rep Power: 16	A man walks into a bar.... A rather ugly man walks into a bar with a big grin on his face, and orders a draft beer. What are you so happy about?', asks the Bartender. 'Well, I'll tell you,' replies the ugly man. 'As you know, I live by the railroad tracks. On my way home from the bar, last night, I noticed a young woman, with a fantastic body, tied to the tracks, just like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free, and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything: me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!' 'Fantastic, you lucky bastard!', exclaimed the Bartender. Was she pretty?' 'I Don't know. I Never found the head."

02-05-2010, 11:50 AM	#520 (permalink)
Chico370Z Base Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: East Bay, CA Posts: 233 Drives: 09 370Z Touring Rep Power: 16	lol nice __________________ 04 Nissan Sentra SpecV: Brembos, Nismo Intake/Exhaust/Short Shifter, Eibach Sportlines, ES MMI - SOLD / / / 09 Nissan 370Z Touring: Invidia Gemini Exhaust, ERZ HFC, GTM 25 Row Cooler, Z1 Tubes, and K&N Drop Ins

02-06-2010, 10:37 PM	#521 (permalink)
protoZ Base Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: war town, GA Posts: 228 Drives: the car im tradin in Rep Power: 16	Funny ass shit

02-08-2010, 12:49 AM	#522 (permalink)
Sibze A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 16,202 Drives: In your way Rep Power: 63	I bet ya its not even a joke... I can see someone doing that!

02-11-2010, 07:08 PM	#524 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	A woman storms into a pet shop demanding her money back from the owner. “You sold me this frog and told me it would be able to satisfy all my sexual desires!” The clerk tries to calm her down and asks, “Did you do what I told you to do?” “Yes, dammit! I got naked, lay back on my bed, and put him between my legs just like you said, and he did nothing!” she shouts. The owner, looking confused, replies, “It’s a perfectly trained frog. I can’t understand what’s wrong.” He takes the woman and the frog to a back room in the shop, where he places the frog on a small table next to a bed and asks the woman to please lie down and remove her panties. “What?” she shouts. Turning to the frog, he says, “Now watch carefully, because this is the last time I’m showing you this!” __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

02-11-2010, 07:11 PM	#525 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	Two couples were playing cards one evening. One of the husbands, Jerry, accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Ray's wife Shaniqua, had her legs spread wide, and she wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jerry, upon trying to sit up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, Jerry went into the kitchen to get some refreshments. Shaniqua followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under the table?" Surprised by her boldness, Jerry courageously admitted that, well, yes, he did. She said, "You can have it, but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jerry indicated that he was indeed interested. She told him that since her husband, Ray, works Friday afternoons and Jerry doesn't, that Jerry should be at her house around 2:00 PM, Friday afternoon. When Friday rolls around, Jerry shows up at Ray's house for sex with Ray's wife at 2:00 PM sharp, and after paying her the agreed upon $500.00, they go to her bedroom and have fantastic sex, just as Shaniqua had promised. Afterwards, Jerry quickly dresses and leaves. As was his habit at 6:00 PM, Ray returned home from work. Upon entering the house and encountering his wife, he asked loudly, "Did Jerry come by with my money?" With a lump in her throat, Ray's wife answered, "Oh yeah, he did stop by here for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when Ray curtly asked, "And did he give you $500.00?" In terror she assumed she'd somehow been found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, she replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me five hundred dollars." Ray, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised Shaniqua by saying, "Good, I was hoping so. Jerry came by my office this morning and borrowed five hundred dollars from me. He promised me he'd stop by this afternoon on his way home and pay me back." __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan