Joke of the Day

Togo · 11-14-2009, 05:01 PM

A teacher asked her students to name a famous Barbara

Answer:

Black kid said, "Barbara Jordan"

Teacher said, "very good"

White kid said, "Barbara Bush"

Teacher said, "very good"

Mexican Kid said, "Barbra-coa"

Togo · 11-14-2009, 05:05 PM

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?" The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes,and says:

"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

Togo · 11-14-2009, 05:11 PM

The train was quite crowded, so a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only possible seat was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

frost · 11-14-2009, 05:24 PM

Togo · 11-15-2009, 08:54 PM

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde arrived and bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless." With that, she stripped to the waist, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Blondie needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...

"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings.......and her clothes, and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."

XwChriswX · 11-16-2009, 09:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by frost

I actually LoL'd that one.

Mergnthwirker · 11-18-2009, 11:35 AM

Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

Mick says, "How you doin?"

"Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me
slippers, me feet are freezing."

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters
lying on the bed.

He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."

They say, "Get away with ya.... prove it."

Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?"

Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of fuckin one?"

INTENSEPOWER · 11-18-2009, 04:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mergnthwirker

paddy has broken his leg and his buddy mick comes over to see him.

Mick says, "how you doin?"

"paddy says, "okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me
slippers, me feet are freezing."

mick goes upstairs and sees paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters
lying on the bed.

He says, "your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."

they say, "get away with ya.... Prove it."

mick shouts downstairs, "paddy, both of em?"

paddy shouts back, "of course both of em, what's the point of fuckin one?"

win!

simota1 · 11-18-2009, 05:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mergnthwirker

Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

Mick says, "How you doin?"

"Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me
slippers, me feet are freezing."

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters
lying on the bed.

He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."

They say, "Get away with ya.... prove it."

Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?"

Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of fuckin one?"

protoZ · 11-18-2009, 07:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mergnthwirker

Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

Mick says, "How you doin?"

"Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me
slippers, me feet are freezing."

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters
lying on the bed.

He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."

They say, "Get away with ya.... prove it."

Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?"

Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of fuckin one?"

holy **** that is the funniest one i have heard in a long time

Chico370Z · 11-20-2009, 02:45 PM

bump for a friday...

LETSGOEERS06 · 11-20-2009, 05:20 PM

How I learned to mind my own business

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
And all the patients were shouting, '13....13.....13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a
Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see
What was going on.....Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

Togo · 11-20-2009, 05:40 PM

Manuel and Pedro worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Manuel answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies' cotton panties." The clerk looked up "Panty Stitcher". Finding it classified as "unskilled labor", she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

Pedro was asked his occupation. "Diesel Fitter," he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Pedro $600 a week. When Manuel found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and coworker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor."

"What skill?" yelled Manuel. "I sew the elastic on da panties; Pedro puts dem over his head and says: "Yeah, diesel fitter."

vipor · 11-20-2009, 05:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LETSGOEERS06

How I learned to mind my own business

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
And all the patients were shouting, '13....13.....13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a
Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see
What was going on.....Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

frost · 11-24-2009, 10:43 PM

Not really a joke per se, but nowhere else to put it:

Saw this at: http://www.ubersite.com/m/121192

22 years of drug experimentation, alcohol abuse and, according to mum "a conga line of skanks falling out of your bedroom" has led my parents to not expect a vast amount from me in terms of good, or even acceptable, behaviour.

But a boring, hungover session at the computer led to a situation so horrific I can feel the blood flooding my cheeks as I write it, and led to what must have been mum's last shred of hope in me ever becoming anything good flying out the window.

Yesterday I was surfing tube8 for some handy masturbatory aids (midget hunchback men, right? Hurr durr...) and clicking between two different movies. Our internet had slowed to a crawl for whatever reason and I was becoming increasingly irritated at the apparent dislike the "little red worm of loading" had for moving to the right across my screen.

Every time I began to get into the flow of things the movie would stop and sputter like the actresses involved were having epileptic fits. The fact my audio jack is also ******* out led to an unusual syndrome where all I'd hear for 20 seconds was a muffled electric buzz before "**** MY NINETEEN YEAR OLD PUSSY" screamed out through the house at about 150 decibels.

As you can imagine, it was by no means ideal wanking conditions but, as with alcohol, the bad stuff is better than no stuff so I was doing what I could.

"Jesse gets hot **** sandwich" froze again as it reached the meagre limit of its loading potential and I changed windows to see if "Sasha first time cumgoblin fuckstick extravaganza" had loaded (sometimes I think those redtube titles are created by a bot that just inserts the word "****" into everyday sentences. Seriously... "Bitch gets fuckbath she deserves", anyone?).

So I go to switch between windows when a flickery glob appears in the middle of my screen. I click at it angrily a few times and it disappears, so I forget about it instantly and continue what I was doing, which entailed pulling my penis and sweating, and sometimes both.

About 20 seconds of aggressive masturbation later and the sound resolved itself once more, but this time instead of the usual "I love your **** in my pussy!" exclamation it sounded like a harried and struggling voice calling my name.

"Peter. PETER!"

As if that wasn't offputting enough, the voice sounded familiar. Like, a very bad kind of familiar. Like, the kind of voice that says "Have a good day at school, dear!" or "I laid out your jammies and made you some toast, hun."

Mum?

I minimised both windows and it took me some five seconds to realise what I was seeing. At the end of ten seconds, I had learned a number of valuable lessons.

These lessons include:

1. When your mother calls you on Skype, the "Answer" button pops up on top of whatever windows are playing, but if it's a full screen video then the "Answer" button can be flashing and illegible.

2. When you enable webcam calling, the webcam engages as soon as the call is answered.

3. When your mother calls you, only to find you masturbating vigorously in a dark room to what sounds like the mutant offspring of an air conditioning unit and a transformer, she will have trouble looking you in the eye for the remainder of the call.

4. A fully erect penis can become flaccid in 0.2 seconds when shown a small image of its mother, looking pale and asking "What on EARTH are you doing?"

Having made all of these discoveries, I closed skype and sat on my computer, in some combination of horror, shame and precum. I put a shirt on and tried to return the call. Mum answered, but had disabled her webcam and could only manage "Call back when you're ready dear, I'm just going out". I haven't called back.

The look your mother gives you when she sees you masturbating on webcam is unlike any I have seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.

The moral of the story? There isn't one. I'm an idiot.

11-14-2009, 05:01 PM	#406 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	A teacher asked her students to name a famous Barbara Answer: Black kid said, "Barbara Jordan" Teacher said, "very good" White kid said, "Barbara Bush" Teacher said, "very good" Mexican Kid said, "Barbra-coa" __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

11-14-2009, 05:05 PM	#407 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?" The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes,and says: "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf." __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

11-14-2009, 05:11 PM	#408 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	The train was quite crowded, so a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only possible seat was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window." __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

11-15-2009, 08:54 PM	#410 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde arrived and bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless." With that, she stripped to the waist, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Blondie needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings.......and her clothes, and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching." __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

11-20-2009, 02:45 PM	#416 (permalink)
Chico370Z Base Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: East Bay, CA Posts: 233 Drives: 09 370Z Touring Rep Power: 16	bump for a friday... __________________ 04 Nissan Sentra SpecV: Brembos, Nismo Intake/Exhaust/Short Shifter, Eibach Sportlines, ES MMI - SOLD / / / 09 Nissan 370Z Touring: Invidia Gemini Exhaust, ERZ HFC, GTM 25 Row Cooler, Z1 Tubes, and K&N Drop Ins

11-14-2009, 05:24 PM	#409 (permalink)
frost Retired admin Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Winterfell Posts: 106,613 Drives: Your Wife Crazy Rep Power: 0

11-18-2009, 11:35 AM	#412 (permalink)
Mergnthwirker Base Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Connecticut USA Posts: 243 Drives: '09 370Z PW MT6 S Rep Power: 16	Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him. Mick says, "How you doin?" "Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing." Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying on the bed. He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you." They say, "Get away with ya.... prove it." Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?" Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of fuckin one?"

11-20-2009, 05:20 PM	#417 (permalink)
LETSGOEERS06 Base Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Morgantown,WV Age: 40 Posts: 116 Drives: 06 Jeep GC Overland Rep Power: 16	How I learned to mind my own business I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, And all the patients were shouting, '13....13.....13.' The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see What was going on.....Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick! Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'... __________________ 2006 Grand Cherokee Overland Whats the worst thing about loosing to a 5000lb SUV Having to tell your friends what just handed you your a$$ - SRT8

11-20-2009, 05:40 PM	#418 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	Manuel and Pedro worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Manuel answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies' cotton panties." The clerk looked up "Panty Stitcher". Finding it classified as "unskilled labor", she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay. Pedro was asked his occupation. "Diesel Fitter," he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Pedro $600 a week. When Manuel found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and coworker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor." "What skill?" yelled Manuel. "I sew the elastic on da panties; Pedro puts dem over his head and says: "Yeah, diesel fitter." __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

11-24-2009, 10:43 PM	#420 (permalink)
frost Retired admin Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Winterfell Posts: 106,613 Drives: Your Wife Crazy Rep Power: 0	Not really a joke per se, but nowhere else to put it: Saw this at: http://www.ubersite.com/m/121192 22 years of drug experimentation, alcohol abuse and, according to mum "a conga line of skanks falling out of your bedroom" has led my parents to not expect a vast amount from me in terms of good, or even acceptable, behaviour. But a boring, hungover session at the computer led to a situation so horrific I can feel the blood flooding my cheeks as I write it, and led to what must have been mum's last shred of hope in me ever becoming anything good flying out the window. Yesterday I was surfing tube8 for some handy masturbatory aids (midget hunchback men, right? Hurr durr...) and clicking between two different movies. Our internet had slowed to a crawl for whatever reason and I was becoming increasingly irritated at the apparent dislike the "little red worm of loading" had for moving to the right across my screen. Every time I began to get into the flow of things the movie would stop and sputter like the actresses involved were having epileptic fits. The fact my audio jack is also ***** out led to an unusual syndrome where all I'd hear for 20 seconds was a muffled electric buzz before " MY NINETEEN YEAR OLD PUSSY" screamed out through the house at about 150 decibels. As you can imagine, it was by no means ideal wanking conditions but, as with alcohol, the bad stuff is better than no stuff so I was doing what I could. "Jesse gets hot sandwich" froze again as it reached the meagre limit of its loading potential and I changed windows to see if "Sasha first time cumgoblin fuckstick extravaganza" had loaded (sometimes I think those redtube titles are created by a bot that just inserts the word "" into everyday sentences. Seriously... "Bitch gets fuckbath she deserves", anyone?). So I go to switch between windows when a flickery glob appears in the middle of my screen. I click at it angrily a few times and it disappears, so I forget about it instantly and continue what I was doing, which entailed pulling my penis and sweating, and sometimes both. About 20 seconds of aggressive masturbation later and the sound resolved itself once more, but this time instead of the usual "I love your ** in my pussy!" exclamation it sounded like a harried and struggling voice calling my name. "Peter. PETER!" As if that wasn't offputting enough, the voice sounded familiar. Like, a very bad kind of familiar. Like, the kind of voice that says "Have a good day at school, dear!" or "I laid out your jammies and made you some toast, hun." Mum? I minimised both windows and it took me some five seconds to realise what I was seeing. At the end of ten seconds, I had learned a number of valuable lessons. These lessons include: 1. When your mother calls you on Skype, the "Answer" button pops up on top of whatever windows are playing, but if it's a full screen video then the "Answer" button can be flashing and illegible. 2. When you enable webcam calling, the webcam engages as soon as the call is answered. 3. When your mother calls you, only to find you masturbating vigorously in a dark room to what sounds like the mutant offspring of an air conditioning unit and a transformer, she will have trouble looking you in the eye for the remainder of the call. 4. A fully erect penis can become flaccid in 0.2 seconds when shown a small image of its mother, looking pale and asking "What on EARTH are you doing?" Having made all of these discoveries, I closed skype and sat on my computer, in some combination of horror, shame and precum. I put a shirt on and tried to return the call. Mum answered, but had disabled her webcam and could only manage "Call back when you're ready dear, I'm just going out". I haven't called back. The look your mother gives you when she sees you masturbating on webcam is unlike any I have seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss. The moral of the story? There isn't one. I'm an idiot.