Joke of the Day

phelan · 10-30-2009, 06:22 PM

Togo · 10-31-2009, 11:47 PM

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first-class section of a jet liner. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten or fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later,the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered quite violently once more. Assuming the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman, and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose, and then shuddered violently. Are you okay?"

"Sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied. "I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.

"I've never heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

Yes," the woman nodded. "Pepper

Togo · 10-31-2009, 11:50 PM

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

nogoodname · 10-31-2009, 11:51 PM

knock knock

who's there?

JoeD

JoeD who?

JoeD the douche ya dumba$$

Togo · 10-31-2009, 11:53 PM

A fireman came home from work one day and told his spouse, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, bell 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

"From now on when I say bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When say bell 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say bell 3, we are going to make love all night." The next night he came home from work and yelled, "bell 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled "bell 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "bell 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "bell 4!"

"What the hell is bell 4?" asked the husband?

"Roll out more hose," she replied, "You're nowhere near the fire!"

Togo · 10-31-2009, 11:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nogoodname

knock knock

who's there?

JoeD

JoeD who?

JoeD the douche ya dumba$$

hahahha

Togo · 10-31-2009, 11:55 PM

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League,honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says,"Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."

Togo · 10-31-2009, 11:57 PM

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

Togo · 10-31-2009, 11:58 PM

As always.. feel free to rep if you found any of my jokes funny

nogoodname · 11-01-2009, 12:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Togo

hahahha

just had to LOL

Togo · 11-01-2009, 12:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nogoodname

just had to LOL

I've got one for tomorrow maybe.. that will have JoeD in it

nogoodname · 11-01-2009, 01:03 AM

teasers FTL..... hahaha.......haha......ha

Togo · 11-01-2009, 02:01 PM

Ten Commandments
Ebonics Style

Sometimes you have to get the message across as best you can. Try this for those who can't understand the King James Version:

1. I'm God. Don't play me.
(I am the Lord thy God, thou shalt not have any other gods before me.)

2. Don't be makin no hood ornaments and charms outta me, or like me.
(Thou shalt not have any graven images)

3. Don't be callin' me for no reason
(Thou shalt not use the name of the Lord thy God in vain)

4. Y'all betta be in church on Sunday, and not just the Sundays when it's Mother's day, Easter and Christmas
(Remember to keep the Sabbath day holy!)

5. Don't dis or cuss out yo momma.... and if you know who ya daddy is, don't dis him neither.
(Honor thy father and thy mother)

6. Don't be goin' on no drive bys.
(Thou shalt not kill)

7. Stick to ya own Boo.
(Thou shalt not commit adultery)

8. Don't be borrow'n stuff and not be giving it back.
(Thou shalt not steal)

9. Don't be snitchin' on yo homie to save yo own butt.
(Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy brother)

10. Don't be eyein' (skeeming) yo homie 's crib, ride, woman, or nuttin.
(Thou shalt not covet anything that belongs to thy brother)

Togo · 11-01-2009, 02:08 PM

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of dicks are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

Togo · 11-01-2009, 02:26 PM

How many members of the forum does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
1 douche to argue that the light bulb needs to be dyno'd to show it operates better than the orginal
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "+1"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

10-30-2009, 06:22 PM	#331 (permalink)
phelan A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: CA Age: 38 Posts: 9,513 Drives: Scoobaroo Rep Power: 3406	__________________ 凛 ('Rin') - 2009 Nissan 370Z With silence comes peace. With peace comes freedom. With freedom comes silence.

10-31-2009, 11:47 PM	#332 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first-class section of a jet liner. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten or fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later,the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered quite violently once more. Assuming the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman, and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose, and then shuddered violently. Are you okay?" "Sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied. "I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I've never heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything for it?" Yes," the woman nodded. "Pepper __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

10-31-2009, 11:50 PM	#333 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand." __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

10-31-2009, 11:53 PM	#335 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	A fireman came home from work one day and told his spouse, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, bell 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go. "From now on when I say bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When say bell 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say bell 3, we are going to make love all night." The next night he came home from work and yelled, "bell 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "bell 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "bell 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "bell 4!" "What the hell is bell 4?" asked the husband? "Roll out more hose," she replied, "You're nowhere near the fire!" __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

10-31-2009, 11:55 PM	#337 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League,honey. We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says,"Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time." __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

10-31-2009, 11:51 PM	#334 (permalink)
nogoodname Lifetime Premium Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Montreal Posts: 22,357 Drives: E46 M3 Rep Power: 1765	knock knock who's there? JoeD JoeD who? JoeD the douche ya dumba$$

10-31-2009, 11:57 PM	#338 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts. So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?" __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

10-31-2009, 11:58 PM	#339 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	As always.. feel free to rep if you found any of my jokes funny __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

11-01-2009, 01:03 AM	#342 (permalink)
nogoodname Lifetime Premium Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Montreal Posts: 22,357 Drives: E46 M3 Rep Power: 1765	teasers FTL..... hahaha.......haha......ha

11-01-2009, 02:01 PM	#343 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	Ten Commandments Ebonics Style Sometimes you have to get the message across as best you can. Try this for those who can't understand the King James Version: 1. I'm God. Don't play me. (I am the Lord thy God, thou shalt not have any other gods before me.) 2. Don't be makin no hood ornaments and charms outta me, or like me. (Thou shalt not have any graven images) 3. Don't be callin' me for no reason (Thou shalt not use the name of the Lord thy God in vain) 4. Y'all betta be in church on Sunday, and not just the Sundays when it's Mother's day, Easter and Christmas (Remember to keep the Sabbath day holy!) 5. Don't dis or cuss out yo momma.... and if you know who ya daddy is, don't dis him neither. (Honor thy father and thy mother) 6. Don't be goin' on no drive bys. (Thou shalt not kill) 7. Stick to ya own Boo. (Thou shalt not commit adultery) 8. Don't be borrow'n stuff and not be giving it back. (Thou shalt not steal) 9. Don't be snitchin' on yo homie to save yo own butt. (Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy brother) 10. Don't be eyein' (skeeming) yo homie 's crib, ride, woman, or nuttin. (Thou shalt not covet anything that belongs to thy brother) __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

11-01-2009, 02:08 PM	#344 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of dicks are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only." __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

11-01-2009, 02:26 PM	#345 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	How many members of the forum does it take to change a light bulb? 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs 1 to move it to the Lighting section 2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section 7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs 5 to flame the spell checkers 3 to correct spelling/grammar flames 6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid 1 douche to argue that the light bulb needs to be dyno'd to show it operates better than the orginal 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp" 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct 19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum 11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum 36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty 7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs 4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's 3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group 13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "+1" 5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy 4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?" 13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs" 1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again. __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan