Joke of the Day

Chupacabra · 10-08-2009, 11:40 AM

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich $ 1.50
Chicken Sandwich $ 2.50
Hand Job $10.00

Checking his wallet he finds one single ten dollar bill. He walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am!"

The man replies "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

TX_370 · 10-08-2009, 11:49 AM

^ Hahaha

AndyO · 10-08-2009, 12:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chupacabra

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich $ 1.50
Chicken Sandwich $ 2.50
Hand Job $10.00

Checking his wallet he finds one single ten dollar bill. He walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am!"

The man replies "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

Togo · 10-11-2009, 07:02 PM

A Canadian Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the Guyanese driver that because he was wearing his seat belt he had just won $5,000 in the Province safety competition.

"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman. "Well, I goin get a driver's license," he answered. "Oh, don't listen to him," yelled the Trini woman in the passenger's seat... "He's a smart donkey when he drunk." This woke up the Bajan guy in the back seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we was not gonna get far in dis thiefin car."

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a Jamaican voice said, in patois, "Yow!, I man mek it 'crass di barder yet?"

The Canadian Highway Patrolman smiled, and handed the $5,000 check to the driver. "I always loved the island talk, but I could never understand it. Have a nice day."

Togo · 10-11-2009, 07:06 PM

A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate, nothing. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked."

Togo · 10-11-2009, 07:09 PM

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?" He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers 'cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper'. I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she.

Togo · 10-11-2009, 07:15 PM

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to diseases.

Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the management denies your request for the following reasons:

1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You work in short spurts and fall asleep after each brief work period.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting other locations.
5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
8. You will retire long before you are 65.
9. You are unable to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
11. You have constantly been seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management

PLUS: 5 reasons not to be a penis...
1. You're bald your whole life.
2. You have a hole in your head.
3. Your neighbors are nuts.
4. The guy behind you is an *******
5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint.

phelan · 10-11-2009, 07:50 PM

Lol seen those last five. I.ll write one when i get home

phelan · 10-11-2009, 08:32 PM

#1:

Doctor comes into the patient's room. "I have some good news, and some bad news."
The patient goes, "What's the good news?"
The doctor responds, "Your penis will be two inches longer and one inch wider."
The patient says "That's great! But what's the bad news?"
The doctor simply says, "Malignant."

Togo · 10-11-2009, 09:26 PM

^hahah

simota1 · 10-12-2009, 12:21 AM

Lol^^^

Snakes709 · 10-12-2009, 02:15 PM

so to baby seals walk into a club.......ohhh enviromental people wont like that one

I know its stupid...some guy said it to me when we were working on the tanks at work..lol

TX_370 · 10-12-2009, 02:17 PM

^Took me a minute, but I got it

Seal Club Clubbing Club FTW!

phelan · 10-12-2009, 03:31 PM

(Somewhat racist but take it in good humor, if not I'll remove)

Q: How do you know if a Polish man is at the cockfight?
A: He's the one that brought the duck.

Q: How do you know if an Italian man is at the cockfight?
A: He's the one betting on the duck.

Q: How do you know if the Mafia is involved in the cockfight?
A: The duck wins.

MeetJoeAsian · 10-12-2009, 07:57 PM

(this is better said out loud than read)

Q: What is six-point-nine?

A: It's 69 interrupted by a period

10-08-2009, 11:40 AM	#271 (permalink)
Chupacabra Enthusiast Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Weston, Florida Posts: 477 Drives: 09 Nissan 370z s M6 Rep Power: 200	A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: Cheese Sandwich $ 1.50 Chicken Sandwich $ 2.50 Hand Job $10.00 Checking his wallet he finds one single ten dollar bill. He walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am!" The man replies "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!" __________________ Where are my aluminum pedals?

10-08-2009, 11:49 AM	#272 (permalink)
TX_370 A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Texas Posts: 5,389 Drives: American Rep Power: 28	^ Hahaha __________________ 2009 PW Nissan 370Z with Sports Package

10-11-2009, 07:50 PM	#278 (permalink)
phelan A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: CA Age: 38 Posts: 9,513 Drives: Scoobaroo Rep Power: 3406	Lol seen those last five. I.ll write one when i get home __________________ 凛 ('Rin') - 2009 Nissan 370Z With silence comes peace. With peace comes freedom. With freedom comes silence.

10-11-2009, 08:32 PM	#279 (permalink)
phelan A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: CA Age: 38 Posts: 9,513 Drives: Scoobaroo Rep Power: 3406	#1: Doctor comes into the patient's room. "I have some good news, and some bad news." The patient goes, "What's the good news?" The doctor responds, "Your penis will be two inches longer and one inch wider." The patient says "That's great! But what's the bad news?" The doctor simply says, "Malignant." __________________ 凛 ('Rin') - 2009 Nissan 370Z With silence comes peace. With peace comes freedom. With freedom comes silence.

10-12-2009, 12:21 AM	#281 (permalink)
simota1 A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: Dededo, Guam Posts: 6,642 Drives: solid red 370z 6mt Rep Power: 405	Lol^^^ __________________ *TOP SECRET/POWERHOUSE AMUSE/ARC/DAYTONA RACING/VARIS/MINES/GANADOR/J-LINE/WORK EMOTION CR KAI/GT SPEC/CARBON SIGNAL/ZOOM ENGINEERING/ CARBON FIBER ELEMENT/STILLEN/*

10-11-2009, 07:02 PM	#274 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	A Canadian Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the Guyanese driver that because he was wearing his seat belt he had just won $5,000 in the Province safety competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman. "Well, I goin get a driver's license," he answered. "Oh, don't listen to him," yelled the Trini woman in the passenger's seat... "He's a smart donkey when he drunk." This woke up the Bajan guy in the back seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we was not gonna get far in dis thiefin car." At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a Jamaican voice said, in patois, "Yow!, I man mek it 'crass di barder yet?" The Canadian Highway Patrolman smiled, and handed the $5,000 check to the driver. "I always loved the island talk, but I could never understand it. Have a nice day."

10-11-2009, 07:06 PM	#275 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate, nothing. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked."

10-11-2009, 07:09 PM	#276 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?" He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers 'cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper'. I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she.

10-11-2009, 07:15 PM	#277 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: 1. I do physical labor. 2. I work at great depths. 3. I plunge head first into everything I do. 4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off. 5. I work in a damp environment. 6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation. 7. I work in high temperatures. 8. My work exposes me to diseases. Dear Penis, After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the management denies your request for the following reasons: 1. You do not work 8 hours straight. 2. You work in short spurts and fall asleep after each brief work period. 3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. 4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting other locations. 5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. 6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. 7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing. 8. You will retire long before you are 65. 9. You are unable to work double shifts. 10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task. 11. You have constantly been seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags. Sincerely, The Management PLUS: 5 reasons not to be a penis... 1. You're bald your whole life. 2. You have a hole in your head. 3. Your neighbors are nuts. 4. The guy behind you is an ******* 5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint.

10-11-2009, 09:26 PM	#280 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	^hahah

10-12-2009, 02:15 PM	#282 (permalink)
Snakes709 A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Edmonton Posts: 1,205 Drives: 2011 Evo-X GSR Rep Power: 18	so to baby seals walk into a club.......ohhh enviromental people wont like that one I know its stupid...some guy said it to me when we were working on the tanks at work..lol

10-12-2009, 02:17 PM	#283 (permalink)
TX_370 A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Texas Posts: 5,389 Drives: American Rep Power: 28	^Took me a minute, but I got it Seal Club Clubbing Club FTW! __________________ 2009 PW Nissan 370Z with Sports Package

10-12-2009, 03:31 PM	#284 (permalink)
phelan A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: CA Age: 38 Posts: 9,513 Drives: Scoobaroo Rep Power: 3406	(Somewhat racist but take it in good humor, if not I'll remove) Q: How do you know if a Polish man is at the cockfight? A: He's the one that brought the duck. Q: How do you know if an Italian man is at the cockfight? A: He's the one betting on the duck. Q: How do you know if the Mafia is involved in the cockfight? A: The duck wins. __________________ 凛 ('Rin') - 2009 Nissan 370Z With silence comes peace. With peace comes freedom. With freedom comes silence.

10-12-2009, 07:57 PM	#285 (permalink)
MeetJoeAsian Enthusiast Member Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Houston, TX Posts: 342 Drives: 350Z to G35c to 370Z Rep Power: 16	(this is better said out loud than read) Q: What is six-point-nine? A: It's 69 interrupted by a period __________________ http://facebook.com/meetjoeasian