Joke of the Day

phelan · 09-28-2009, 03:58 PM

^ lmao

Togo · 09-28-2009, 04:02 PM

lol chris.

XwChriswX · 09-28-2009, 04:03 PM

Togo · 09-29-2009, 06:34 PM

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

Togo · 09-29-2009, 06:40 PM

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains "

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to have a hard time choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs. The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches "

"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small - what room are they for?"

The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, but they are for her new computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "But miss, computers do not need curtains!"

The blonde says, "Hellllooooooooo! I've got Windoooooows"

Togo · 09-30-2009, 05:30 PM

One Room Schoolhouse In Georgia

A teacher in a one-room schoolhouse arrives one morning to find a nice red apple on her desk with a tag tied to it saying T.O.T.

Knowing that she had some not-so-nice pranksters in her class, she cautiously asked "Can someone explain what T.O.T. means?" Mary in the front row raised her hand to explain it means "To Our Teacher."

The next morning the teacher finds a bigger and prettier apple than the day before. This time there is a tag with T.O.T.W.L. written on it. She asks for an explanation for this note and little Johnny waves his hand to explain that means "To Our Teacher With Love".

The next morning she arrives to find a great big watermelon sitting on her desk with a tag saying "F. U .C.K." Her jaw drops and she screams "Who can explain this?" Little Buckwheat in the back row raises his hand and says, that means "From Us Colored Kids"

XwChriswX · 09-30-2009, 05:31 PM

It's not a story, but a pic... Enjoy.

New idea, here's the pic, now make a caption for it... ready? GO!

Togo · 09-30-2009, 05:33 PM

Bad pick up lines

I know there are a ton of these but I'm just putting up a few...

Did you fart, cause you blew me away.

Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special?

My love for you is like diarrhea ... I can't hold it in.

Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.

Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.

If you and I were squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole.

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a lightswitch away.

Man - Fat Penguin!
Woman - WHAT?
Man - I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.

I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

This one is my personal favorite:

Man- Hey were you raised on a chicken farm?
Girl- No, why?
Man- Cause you sure are good at raising cocks!

Togo · 09-30-2009, 05:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by XwChriswX

It's not a story, but a pic... Enjoy.

New idea, here's the pic, now make a caption for it... ready? GO!

This will teach her to talk during the big game!

Now she won't have a bigger ass than our Ass

Ok thats all I got...

TX_370 · 09-30-2009, 05:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Togo

Bad pick up lines

Man - Fat Penguin!
Woman - WHAT?
Man - I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.

lol

Togo · 09-30-2009, 05:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TX_370

lol

A similar one I know is

How much does a polar bear weigh?
IDK
Enough to break the ice.

I like the penguin one more though being that it's more random

XwChriswX · 09-30-2009, 05:53 PM

If you want something random you could always try...

You: Hello ma'am may I feel your bre*st?
Her: Uh no, WHY?!
You: Because ma'am, I work at the American Breast Cancer Research Society and I am tasked with doing research between the relation to bre*st firmness and Bre*st Cancer.
Her: And you need to feel MINE because...??
You: Because it's clinically proven that doing continuous self checks means you have a much higher chance of finding a lump before it becomes cancerous. I'm trying to see if it is easier to find a lump in softer bre*sts than firm ones due to the tightness of the muscle tissue which might hinder you from finding a lump.
Her: Wow, I never thought about it like that before... Ok, should we go to the bathroom?
You: Wherever you feel comfortable ma'am...

(Then In The Bathroom, during your 'exam')

Her: Uhhh... What's the camera for...??

<CLICK>

You: ...Run LOL

I know it has no real point, but this is how bored I am at work lol.

Togo · 09-30-2009, 05:55 PM

^ LOL thats good

XwChriswX · 10-05-2009, 10:46 AM

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, 'Ryan, you be Jesus!'

XwChriswX · 10-05-2009, 10:47 AM

A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
'Did God throw him back down?'

09-28-2009, 03:58 PM	#256 (permalink)
phelan A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: CA Age: 38 Posts: 9,513 Drives: Scoobaroo Rep Power: 3406	^ lmao __________________ 凛 ('Rin') - 2009 Nissan 370Z With silence comes peace. With peace comes freedom. With freedom comes silence.

09-28-2009, 04:03 PM	#258 (permalink)
XwChriswX WFLYIDNNE Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: In The Fastlane Posts: 50,648 Drives: 02 GDB WRX Rep Power: 452	__________________ Bonnie - Stage 2, Audio build coming this fall! R.I.P. Abby 3/29/10 - 3/30/14

09-30-2009, 05:31 PM	#262 (permalink)
XwChriswX WFLYIDNNE Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: In The Fastlane Posts: 50,648 Drives: 02 GDB WRX Rep Power: 452	It's not a story, but a pic... Enjoy. New idea, here's the pic, now make a caption for it... ready? GO! __________________ Bonnie - Stage 2, Audio build coming this fall! R.I.P. Abby 3/29/10 - 3/30/14

09-30-2009, 05:53 PM	#267 (permalink)
XwChriswX WFLYIDNNE Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: In The Fastlane Posts: 50,648 Drives: 02 GDB WRX Rep Power: 452	If you want something random you could always try... You: Hello ma'am may I feel your brest? Her: Uh no, WHY?! You: Because ma'am, I work at the American Breast Cancer Research Society and I am tasked with doing research between the relation to brest firmness and Brest Cancer. Her: And you need to feel MINE* because...?? You: Because it's clinically proven that doing continuous self checks means you have a much higher chance of finding a lump before it becomes cancerous. I'm trying to see if it is easier to find a lump in softer brests than firm ones due to the tightness of the muscle tissue which might hinder you from finding a lump. Her: Wow, I never thought about it like that before... Ok, should we go to the bathroom? You: Wherever you feel comfortable ma'am... (Then In The Bathroom, during your 'exam') Her: Uhhh... What's the camera for...?? <CLICK> You: ...Run* LOL I know it has no real point, but this is how bored I am at work lol. __________________ Bonnie - Stage 2, Audio build coming this fall! R.I.P. Abby 3/29/10 - 3/30/14

10-05-2009, 10:46 AM	#269 (permalink)
XwChriswX WFLYIDNNE Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: In The Fastlane Posts: 50,648 Drives: 02 GDB WRX Rep Power: 452	A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. 'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, 'Ryan, you be Jesus!' __________________ Bonnie - Stage 2, Audio build coming this fall! R.I.P. Abby 3/29/10 - 3/30/14

09-28-2009, 04:02 PM	#257 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	lol chris.

09-29-2009, 06:34 PM	#259 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

09-29-2009, 06:40 PM	#260 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains " The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to have a hard time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs. The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches " "Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small - what room are they for?" The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, but they are for her new computer monitor. The surprised salesman replies, "But miss, computers do not need curtains!" The blonde says, "Hellllooooooooo! I've got Windoooooows"

09-30-2009, 05:30 PM	#261 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	One Room Schoolhouse In Georgia A teacher in a one-room schoolhouse arrives one morning to find a nice red apple on her desk with a tag tied to it saying T.O.T. Knowing that she had some not-so-nice pranksters in her class, she cautiously asked "Can someone explain what T.O.T. means?" Mary in the front row raised her hand to explain it means "To Our Teacher." The next morning the teacher finds a bigger and prettier apple than the day before. This time there is a tag with T.O.T.W.L. written on it. She asks for an explanation for this note and little Johnny waves his hand to explain that means "To Our Teacher With Love". The next morning she arrives to find a great big watermelon sitting on her desk with a tag saying "F. U .C.K." Her jaw drops and she screams "Who can explain this?" Little Buckwheat in the back row raises his hand and says, that means "From Us Colored Kids"

09-30-2009, 05:33 PM	#263 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	Bad pick up lines I know there are a ton of these but I'm just putting up a few... Did you fart, cause you blew me away. Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special? My love for you is like diarrhea ... I can't hold it in. Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out. Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them. If you and I were squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a lightswitch away. Man - Fat Penguin! Woman - WHAT? Man - I just wanted to say something that would break the ice. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room. Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon. This one is my personal favorite: Man- Hey were you raised on a chicken farm? Girl- No, why? Man- Cause you sure are good at raising cocks!

09-30-2009, 05:55 PM	#268 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	^ LOL thats good

10-05-2009, 10:47 AM	#270 (permalink)
XwChriswX WFLYIDNNE Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: In The Fastlane Posts: 50,648 Drives: 02 GDB WRX Rep Power: 452	A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. 'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked. 'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, 'Did God throw him back down?' __________________ Bonnie - Stage 2, Audio build coming this fall! R.I.P. Abby 3/29/10 - 3/30/14