Joke of the Day

XwChriswX

by XXXXX XXXX, XXXXXXXXXX@XXXXXXXXXX.com

No matter how many millions of people like and support a certain thing, like age-of-consent laws, there are some things I just can't agree with. So here they are, the 50 Worst Songs to ever reach #1 on a Billboard Chart, somewhere in this world. If judging the pantheon of #1s on musical and lyrical merit alone, I obviously could have included every chart-topper since '93 and made this a Top 1000 list. But I instead only included the 50 songs that I couldn't even see or understand someone taking a liking to, no matter how many tokes of the tasty turtle I took or relationships I melodramatically ended.


50. Celine Dione - My Heart Will Go On (1998)

49. Uncle Kracker - Follow Me (1999)

48. Rednex - Cotton Eye Joe (1995)

47. Minnie Riperton - Lovin' You (1975) -

46. Will Smith - Wild Wild West (1999)

45. Whitney Houston - Greatest Love of All (1986)

44. Toby Keith - Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue (2001)

43. Mr. Mister - Broken Wings (1986)

42. Bryan Adams - Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman (1995)

41. Chicago - You're the Inspiration (1985)

40. The Rembrandts - I'll Be There For You (1995)

39. Bobby McFerrin - Don't Worry, Be Happy (1988)

38. Limp Bizkit - Rollin' (2000)

37. Billy Ray Cyrus - Achy Breaky Heart (1992)

36. Starship - We Built This City (1985)

35. Donna Summer - MacArthur Park (1978)

34. Terry Jacks - Seasons in the Sun (1974)

33. Elton John - Crocodile Rock (1973)

32. The Eagles - Best of My Love (1975)

31. Bee Gees - How Deep is Your Love (1977)

30. A Taste of Honey - Boogie Oogie Oogie (1978)

29 Peabo Bryson & Regina Bell - A Whole New World (1993)

28. Los Del Rio - Macarena (1996)

27. Hanson - MMMbop (1997)

26. Destiny's Child - Independent Woman Part 1 (2001)

25. Starland Vocal Band - Afternoon Delight (1976)

24 Bobby Goldsboro - Honey (1968)

23. Rick Dees - Disco Duck (1976)

22. Debbie Boone - You Light Up My Life (1977)

21. Clay Aikens - This is the Night (2002)

20. Zagar and Evans - In the Year 2525 (Exordium and Terminus) (1969)

19. Nelly - Grillz (2006)

18. Jermaine Jackson - Don't Take it Personal (1989)

17. The Association - Windy (1967)

16. Lonestar - Amazed (2000)

15. Nickelback - How You Remind Me (2001)

14. Captain & Tennille - Do That To Me One More Time (1980)

13. D4L - Laffy Taffy (2006)

12. Bobbie Gentry - Ode to Billie Joe (1967)

11. J-Lo & Ja Rule - I'm Real (2001)

10. Elton John - Candle in the Wind 97 (1998) - I never really had any beef with the paparazzi until I realized that this song was their fault too. Hopefully the tune EJ writes when Princes Harry ODs won't become as popular.

9. Barry Manilow - I Write the Songs (1976)- Yes Barry, you do write the songs.... that make my parents 69 on their anniversary and my lunch shoot back up my esophagus like an eighth Jager shot.

8. Dawn feat. Tony Orland0 - Tie a Yellow Ribbon 'Round the Old Oak Tree (1973) -From Wikipedia: The symbol became widely known in civilian life in the 1970s. It was the central theme of the popular song "Tie a Yellow Ribbon 'Round the Ole Oak Tree", Written by Irwin Levine and L. Russell Brown and recorded by Tony Orlando and Dawn among many others. It referred to the sign a released convict requested from his wife or lover, to indicate that she still wanted him and that he would therefore be welcome to return home. He would be able to see it from the bus driving by their house, and would stay on the bus in the absence of the ribbon. He turned out to be very welcome: there were a hundred yellow ribbons. Wow Miss Convict-Monger, I thought you said when he hit you the first time that it was over for good?

7. Crazy Town - Butterfly (2001) -I always wondered what happened to the anal cyst that got lanced off the butthole of that 311 cover band I used to see back in South Venice.


6. Paul McCartney & Stevie Wonder - Ebony and Ivory (1982)
This song is so bad it makes you wonder if those Segregationists may have been on to something. That ******* Strom Thurmond reportedly co-produced this record as part of a red-state conspiracy.

5. Snow - Informer (1993) - Dude, my cousin in Cleveland totally knows all the words to this.

4. Black-Eyed Peas - My Humps (2005) - If we're talking looks alone, I'd say the lumps Fergie left on boyfriend Josh Duhamel's testes were more attractive than the fat-girl mosquito bites on her chest.

3. Cher - Believe (1999) - Maybe Cher should have gotten plastic surgery on her voice?

2. All 4 One - I Swear (1994)- Attention! Attention! T-minus 4.5 minutes until that 8th grade ginger feels his first over-the-bra tatas!

1. Santana feat. Rob Thomas - Smooth (1999) - Santana, It should have been you instead of Richie Valens in that plane that night. Just go back to playing the bad guy in Three Amigos and stop ruining your own reputation.

__________________

Bonnie - Stage 2, Audio build coming this fall!
R.I.P. Abby 3/29/10 - 3/30/14

xiven

i like some of those songs!

Togo

This one is kinda old and some of you have probably heard it before. I'll post it anyways along with a second one.


I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling... Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.

Togo

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

Togo

Ehh what the heck, it's friday...



T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T



A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. "'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday'. Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, its Thursday.'"

INSURANCE101

Hahahahah

GOTTA LOVE FRIDAY JOKES

__________________
"Aerodynamics is for those who cannot manufacture good engines"

- Enzo Ferrari

Togo

A blind man was describing his favorite sport of skydiving. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that everything was done for him.

"I am placed in the door and told when to jump," he said. "My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.

"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was asked.

He quickly answered, "Oh, my dog's leash goes slack."

XwChriswX

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at
The Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.

Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that
She never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man". And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
Moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire Life."

"Where's Barack Obama's clock?" asked the man.

"Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

__________________

Bonnie - Stage 2, Audio build coming this fall!
R.I.P. Abby 3/29/10 - 3/30/14

TX_370

OMG Chris... LMAO! +rep!

__________________

XwChriswX

Glad you enjoyed it. =)

__________________

Bonnie - Stage 2, Audio build coming this fall!
R.I.P. Abby 3/29/10 - 3/30/14

AndyO

i knw I did

__________________

XwChriswX

I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.


More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.


Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.


I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter.


Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.


I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.


The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.


Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.


There is a great need for sarcasm font.


Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw it.


I think everyone has a movie that they love so much it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.


How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?


I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.


I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.


The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.


A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.


Was learning cursive really necessary?


LoL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".


I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.


Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.


My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads.
Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name.He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.


Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".


How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?


I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent an ******* from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!


While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it... thanks Mario Kart.


MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.


Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.


I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.


Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you
can wear them forever.


I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.


Bad decisions make good stories.


Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is
public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!


Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?


If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.


Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from; this shouldn't be a problem....


You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.


Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.


There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.


"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.


I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'


While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed.


I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?


I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.


When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.


I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I
like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.


Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...


As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no
matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.


Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.


It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.


I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the act that I was not aware of my condition in college.


Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.


Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my *** everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...


My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?


It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.


I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.


I think the freezer deserves a light as well.


I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

__________________

Bonnie - Stage 2, Audio build coming this fall!
R.I.P. Abby 3/29/10 - 3/30/14

Togo

How a Woman Showers

Take off clothes and place in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

***(If you see husband along the way, quickly cover up all exposed areas)***

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental not to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint Conditioner (enhanced).

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

***(If you see husband along the way quickly cover up all exposed areas)***

==============================================

How a Man Showers

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

***(If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound)***

Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

Get in the shower. Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

***(If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound)***

Throw wet towel on bed.

Togo

One night two drunks were wandering the town trying to get drinks, but between the two of them, they only had a dollar and change. So the first drunk says, "Hey, I've got an idea, we put our money together and buy a hot dog."

The second drunk, looking at him puzzled, says, "What the ****? I don't want a hot dog. I want a ******* drink!"

The first says, "I know. We buy the hot dog, stick it down the front of my pants, go into a bar and order our drinks. When the bartender tells us the price, you drop to your knees and suck the hot dog like you're sucking my **** and the bartender will throw us out and we won't have to pay for anything!"

The second drunk says, "Well, it sounds like a good enough idea to me."

So they buy the hot dog and the first drunk sticks it down his pants. They go into a bar, order two whiskeys, and when the bartender tells them the price, the second drunk drops to his knees and sucks on the hot dog. The bartender throws them out and tells them not to come back.

The drunks go on to hit 19 bars. Finally, the second drunk says, "We've got to switch places because my knees hurt from dropping to the floor." The first drunk says, "You think that's bad? I lost the hot dog in the third bar!"

XwChriswX

LOL Thats messed up!

__________________

Bonnie - Stage 2, Audio build coming this fall!
R.I.P. Abby 3/29/10 - 3/30/14