Joke of the Day

Mike@Blackline

haha to both of those last ones

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Current Alliance BBK Sale, FREE PC Option, 370Z DiscountCLICK HERE for info!

XwChriswX

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and
party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll
be right back."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife. "I'm
going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to
the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12
different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they
have frozen glasses..." He didn't get to finish the sentence, because
the wife interrupted him by saying,

"You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out
of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the
bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't
be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuv res, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and
took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in
blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty
words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your ******* beer in your
goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherfucking snacks, because you are
married now, and you aren't going anywhere! Got it, *******?" and,
they lived happily ever after.

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Bonnie - Stage 2, Audio build coming this fall!
R.I.P. Abby 3/29/10 - 3/30/14

cow

Two muffins are in an oven.

The first muffin says, "God it's hot in here!"

The second muffin replies, "HOLY SH IT!! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

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I never bought a 370Z

TX_370

LOL Chris

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TX_370

The guys were all at a deer camp.

No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.They said, "Man, what happened to you?"He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night." The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a man's man.

The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night...

Bob sat up and watched me all night."

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blue660r01

How do you stop a charging Rhinocerous?


Take away his credit card

XwChriswX

__________________

Bonnie - Stage 2, Audio build coming this fall!
R.I.P. Abby 3/29/10 - 3/30/14

Togo

haha some good ones in there!

Togo

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a car with his hands at 10 and 2.

The nurse asks him,"Kevin! What are you doing?"

Kevin replied, "Can't talk right now I'm driving to Chicago!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Kevin's room just as he stopped driving his imaginary car and she asks, "Well Kevin, how you doing?"

Kevin says "I'm exhausted. I just got into Chicago and I need some rest."

"That's great," replied the nurse,"I'm glad you had a safe trip."

The nurse leaves Kevin's room and then goes across the hall into another patients' room and finds Ed sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.

Very surprised she shouts, "Ed what are you doing?"

To which Ed replies, "Shhh, I'm screwing Kevin's wife while he's in Chicago".

Togo

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million bucks is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't ya just love lawyers?

XwChriswX

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in O-F-F mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last:
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like amidget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

__________________

Bonnie - Stage 2, Audio build coming this fall!
R.I.P. Abby 3/29/10 - 3/30/14

xiven

LOL at the last one!

cave vulture

A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. The bartender tells the customer he has to leave because of the dangerous gator. The customer says no you don't understand, this is a tame alligator. The bartender replys, you're going to have to prove it or you're both out of here. The customer says, tell you what I'm going to open the alligators mouth, and put my d _ _ k in there for five minutes and nothings going to happen. Bartender replies.... Wow if you do that not only will it prove the alligator is tame, but the drinks are on me. The guy whips it out , puts it in the alligators mouth, and after five minutes, nothing has happened. The bartender says "I got to hand it to you buddy, that really is a tame alligator" As the bartender sets up the guys drink he asks the other customers " Anybody else want to try it?" A little guy at the end of the bar sheepishly responds "I'd like to try it, but I don't know if I can keep my mouth open for five minutes....

2theextreme

These two strings walk up to a bar. The first string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells "I don't serve strings in this bar. The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up and orders. The bartender shouts, "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?"
The string says "Yeah."
The bartender says, "aren't you a string?"
The string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot..."

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MMD Quarter Panel Louvers, Cervini's Ram Air Type IV Hood, Carbon Fiber Radiator Cover, GT500 Rear Valance, Quad Exhaust Tips

xiven