Joke of the Day

Togo

Yeah I really like that one

INSURANCE101

Lmao good stuff

Togo

A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist:
"Hello, Could you give me a condom please. My girlfriend has invited me for dinner and I think she is expecting something from me!"

The pharmacist gives him the condom; and as the young man is going out, he returns and tells him:
"Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think she expects something from me too."

The pharmacist gives him a second condom; and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says:
"Maybe you should give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute,and when she sees me she always makes allusions...and since she invited me for dinner, I think she may also be expecting something from me!!"

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying:
"Dear Lord, bless this dinner...thank you for all you give us...!!!"

A minute later the boy is still praying:
"Thank you Lord for your kindness..." Ten minutes, and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down.

The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend even more than the others. She gets close to the boy and whispers in his ear: "I didn't know you were so religious!!!" The boy replies: "I didn't know your dad was a f***ing pharmacist!!!"

Togo

A man and woman who had never met before, and who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At about 1:00 a.m. The man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea," he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own f--king blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

Togo

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.

They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a highschool dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt, " you can correct them.


Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

Togo

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."

The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says,
"You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

Togo

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some Cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy - I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Togo

Ok thats enough from me

Lyndo

hahah dude you are my hero lol keep it up... oh and being a bit off topic... i want your 636 lol, i'm hoping to be able to buy a 05 or 06 zx-6r next year, we'll see how job and school goes tho

Togo

ahha thanks man.

GL on getting the 636! I love mine, its a great bike. It's a noticable difference having just a mere 37cc's more than the competition.

370Z Purist

God these are f!cking great!
I like the "pretend to be married" and the "Schitt" family.... lolol

__________________
-Phil

"Since one of my brake light bulbs just went out, the forum told me that my piston rings are about to blow."

Togo

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."

"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

So, the worried fellow returned with his wife the following day. The doctor greeted the couple and then said, "Please remove your clothes, Mrs. Thomas."

The woman obliged and removed her clothing.

"Okay, now turn all the way around... Now, lie down please... Uh-huh, I see. Alright, you can put your clothes back on."

While the woman was busy dressing herself again, the doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said to the man. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

Togo

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,

"Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk,

"Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again,

"Have you found Jesus, my brother?" The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again---but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk,

"For the love of God, have you found Jesus?" The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Togo

Public service announcement:


It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, after one year we will have absorbed 1 kilo of the Escherichia Coli (e.coli) bacteria usually found in feces. In other words, we will have consumed 1 liter of ****. However, we don't run that risk when we drink beer, whiskey, rum or other liquors because the creation of alcohol involves a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

It is my duty to communicate to all of you who are drinking water to stop doing so as it has been scientifically proven that it is unhealthy and therefore bad for you.

Remember:
Water = ****
Alcohol = Health

Free yourself of ****, drink alcohol!!!
It's better to drink alcohol and talk ****, than to drink water and be full of ****!

Togo

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel" He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes. She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please. "The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the duck call is $11.00 and the catfish bait is $3.50."