Joke of the Day

370Z Purist · 07-10-2009, 09:58 PM

HAHA!

+1 !!

Togo · 07-11-2009, 09:25 PM

One day Piere was tired of his wife's cat the clawing up the furniture so he told his wife he was going to get rid of the cat in the morning and she said whatever. So in the morning he put the cat in the car and went 50 miles north put the cat outside the car and took off. When he go home the cat was in the driveway. Upset he said in the morning he will be going for a ride again to get rid of the cat. So in the morning he takes the cat 100 miles north. Puts the cat on the side of the road and leaves the cat there. When Piere got home the cat was in the driveway. The next day Piere takes the cat 250 miles away he goes north, south, east and west back tracks and goes in circles. Then he puts the cat on the side of the road. He sits in his car for an hour. He then calls his wife and says honey look outside and tell me if you see anything in the driveway? She says yes I see the cat. Piere says "Put the stupid cat on the phone I am lost!"

Togo · 07-11-2009, 09:30 PM

Two men were wandering around in the woods and began to get thirsty. They finally found a well and wanted to get some water but wanted to see how far down the water was and decided to throw a rock. The couldnt find any small rocks but found a boulder that they decided to throw it in. Right after they threw it in they saw a goat run and jump into the well. After seeing the goat jump in they decided not to drink water from that well and went to find another. Before leaving the well a farmer came by and asked them if they had seen a goat. They said "Yeah your stupid goat jumped into this well." The farmer replies "Thats funny because my goat was tied to a boulder!?"

Togo · 07-15-2009, 09:57 PM

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd both be riding the bus".

Togo · 07-15-2009, 09:59 PM

A blind man makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After
sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you
wanna hear a blonde joke? The bar immediately falls absolutely
quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before
you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair, given that you are
blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde "biker girl."
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in
karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is a blonde and a professional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
"Nah... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

Togo · 07-15-2009, 10:00 PM

Breakthrough in Weight Loss Technology

A guy calls a company and orders their 5 day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before
him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing
but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A
few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her
and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four
days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and
is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5 day/20 lb. program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: "If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent
shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it's
definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for
the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his
delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has
lost another 20 lb. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 lb. program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone - "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he
finds this huge, muscular, 7 ft. man standing there wearing
nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads:

"I'm Francis. If I catch you, you're mine..."

Togo · 07-15-2009, 10:01 PM

Ok thats 3 for today.. more tomorrow

batman_4 · 07-16-2009, 01:23 AM

lmao

theDreamer · 07-16-2009, 10:11 AM

Ok, the blonde joke was good.

bigaudiofanat · 07-16-2009, 10:20 AM

It is tomorrow give me jokes LOL

bigaudiofanat · 07-16-2009, 10:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Togo

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

LMAO Great I love it

Togo · 07-16-2009, 02:25 PM

A young man called Peter invited his mother for dinner. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Peter's flat mate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate than met the eye.

Reading his mother's thoughts, Peter volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking Mum, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flat mates". About a week later, Simon came to Peter saying, "ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure," said Peter, so he sat down and wrote:-

Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you "did" take the frying pan
from my house and I'm not saying that you "did not" take the frying
pan, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you
were here for dinner.

Love
Peter.

Several days later, Peter received an e-mail from his mother which read:

Dear Son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Simon, and
I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Simon, but the fact
remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the
frying pan by now.

Love,
Mum.

Togo · 07-16-2009, 02:28 PM

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750.
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Oh don't start that **** again"

Togo · 07-16-2009, 02:37 PM

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'azz'. The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man? ", "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat azz it won't be Cheerios."

rreign · 07-16-2009, 02:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Togo

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'azz'. The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man? ", "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat azz it won't be Cheerios."

chanting - rep rep rep!!

07-10-2009, 09:58 PM	#31 (permalink)
370Z Purist A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Zion, Illinois Posts: 1,873 Drives: '09 370Z-T BS M6 Rep Power: 19	HAHA! +1 !! __________________ -Phil "Since one of my brake light bulbs just went out, the forum told me that my piston rings are about to blow."

07-15-2009, 09:57 PM	#34 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd both be riding the bus". Last edited by Togo; 07-15-2009 at 10:02 PM.

07-16-2009, 01:23 AM	#38 (permalink)
batman_4 A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: McAllen Tx. Posts: 1,038 Drives: '09 PW 370Z Rep Power: 367	lmao __________________ '09 6spd. Touring: Eibach / SPC / Motordyne / Berk / Z1 / Oneighty / Mines / SSR / Stillen / CFE

07-16-2009, 10:11 AM	#39 (permalink)
theDreamer A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Texas Posts: 30,879 Drives: 370z Rep Power: 4210	Ok, the blonde joke was good. __________________ theDreamer's Z // Fast Intentions // Uprev // GTM // HKS // TEIN theDreamer's Silvia // URAS // GREDDY Houston Zs // Facebook // Twitter // Instagram

07-16-2009, 10:20 AM	#40 (permalink)
bigaudiofanat Car Audio Installer Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Magnolia DE Posts: 8,342 Drives: 2012 Infiniti G37x Rep Power: 853	It is tomorrow give me jokes LOL __________________ Need help with car audio or electronics? Let me know!! Need Help Let Me Know Direct email address reimermatt@gmail.com Owner of: Dynamic Mobile Audio Follow me below https://www.facebook.com/Dynamicmobileaudio/

07-11-2009, 09:25 PM	#32 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	One day Piere was tired of his wife's cat the clawing up the furniture so he told his wife he was going to get rid of the cat in the morning and she said whatever. So in the morning he put the cat in the car and went 50 miles north put the cat outside the car and took off. When he go home the cat was in the driveway. Upset he said in the morning he will be going for a ride again to get rid of the cat. So in the morning he takes the cat 100 miles north. Puts the cat on the side of the road and leaves the cat there. When Piere got home the cat was in the driveway. The next day Piere takes the cat 250 miles away he goes north, south, east and west back tracks and goes in circles. Then he puts the cat on the side of the road. He sits in his car for an hour. He then calls his wife and says honey look outside and tell me if you see anything in the driveway? She says yes I see the cat. Piere says "Put the stupid cat on the phone I am lost!"

07-11-2009, 09:30 PM	#33 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	Two men were wandering around in the woods and began to get thirsty. They finally found a well and wanted to get some water but wanted to see how far down the water was and decided to throw a rock. The couldnt find any small rocks but found a boulder that they decided to throw it in. Right after they threw it in they saw a goat run and jump into the well. After seeing the goat jump in they decided not to drink water from that well and went to find another. Before leaving the well a farmer came by and asked them if they had seen a goat. They said "Yeah your stupid goat jumped into this well." The farmer replies "Thats funny because my goat was tied to a boulder!?"

07-15-2009, 09:59 PM	#35 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	A blind man makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke? The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde "biker girl." 3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is a blonde and a professional weightlifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke? The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "Nah... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

07-15-2009, 10:00 PM	#36 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	Breakthrough in Weight Loss Technology A guy calls a company and orders their 5 day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised. He then calls the company and orders their 5 day/20 lb. program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: "If you catch me you can have me." Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 lb. program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone - "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7 ft. man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads: "I'm Francis. If I catch you, you're mine..."

07-15-2009, 10:01 PM	#37 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	Ok thats 3 for today.. more tomorrow

07-16-2009, 02:25 PM	#42 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	A young man called Peter invited his mother for dinner. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Peter's flat mate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate than met the eye. Reading his mother's thoughts, Peter volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking Mum, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flat mates". About a week later, Simon came to Peter saying, "ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure," said Peter, so he sat down and wrote:- Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you "did" take the frying pan from my house and I'm not saying that you "did not" take the frying pan, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love Peter. Several days later, Peter received an e-mail from his mother which read: Dear Son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Simon, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Simon, but the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the frying pan by now. Love, Mum.

07-16-2009, 02:28 PM	#43 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside." Man: "OK, how much?" Boy: "$250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." Man: "How much?" Boy: "$750. Man: "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Oh don't start that **** again"

07-16-2009, 02:37 PM	#44 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'azz'. The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man? ", "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat azz it won't be Cheerios."