Joke of the Day

370Z Purist · 07-25-2009, 02:28 PM

These are great Togo... Kind of makes me wonder if you'll run out!

Togo · 07-25-2009, 04:07 PM

I guess everyone will just have to keep checking in to see if I do...

I suppose I owe everyone one for today... brb

Togo · 07-25-2009, 04:11 PM

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door... The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning." He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"Are you kidding? NO, I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!!"

His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.

Togo · 07-26-2009, 11:37 AM

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

"Please allow me to help, I'm a physical therapist and I know I could ease your pain if you'd allow me." she told him.

"Oh no, I'll be all right in a few minutes," he replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hand together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help him.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and then asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

rreign · 07-27-2009, 08:59 AM

haha, I just picture any one of us doing the exact same thing.

2theextreme · 07-27-2009, 09:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Togo

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

"Please allow me to help, I'm a physical therapist and I know I could ease your pain if you'd allow me." she told him.

"Oh no, I'll be all right in a few minutes," he replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hand together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help him.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and then asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

Didn't expect that! Good one!

Togo · 07-27-2009, 02:19 PM

I hope this one doesn't offend anyone, it's not meant to be offensive.

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.

"Well, we're not having any of that gay **** in our garden" she said.

rreign · 07-27-2009, 02:22 PM

^^ YES that was awesome. still laughing!!

Togo · 07-28-2009, 05:29 PM

A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the f*****g safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter. "But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money". "Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your f*****g head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.

"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"

"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.

"Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She prises off the cap and gulps it down.

"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband...

"Not that f*****g difficult is it?" he says.

370Z Purist · 07-28-2009, 09:54 PM

^ awesome joke is win joke!

Togo · 07-29-2009, 03:29 PM

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"

12) The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

xiven · 07-29-2009, 03:59 PM

370Z Purist · 07-29-2009, 06:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xiven

Togo · 07-30-2009, 05:19 PM

A man is driving home from work when he sees a car on the side of the road, on its roof, and flames all around. He stops his car and walks over to the wreck. Inside is a beautiful woman in the car who's bleeding to death, so he rushes her to the hospital. Six months she lies in the hospital, and he is with her every day and every night. He donated blood regularly to keep her alive. Eventually, she recovers fully, and they get married. Life is good for a few years, until one day she gets fed up and decides to leave him. He only loves money, and she knows she is just a trophy wife. She comes down the stairs, struggling with her two suitcases, reaching into her pocket for the keys to the Jaguar, "I'm leaving you," she says.

"Oh really, and how are you going to leave? The keys in your hand are for the Jaguar I paid for. It's my car. You are not taking it anywhere."

"Fine," she says, and throws the keys at him.

"And those bulging suitcases, The clothes you are wearing, Everything I've paid for. They are my suitcases and my clothes. You're not taking them anywhere."

"Fine," she says, throws the suitcases at him, strips off her clothes and throws them at him, too.

"And the blood in your body, I sat with you for six months in the hospital. You know half of the blood is mine. You're not going anywhere."

She quickly pulled out her tampon, threw it in his face and said......"I'll pay you back in monthly installments."

Chupacabra · 07-30-2009, 05:35 PM

A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.

The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says.

"For what?"

The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute."

The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money."

The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda -- look it up." She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary.

The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary. It says, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves."

07-25-2009, 02:28 PM	#91 (permalink)
370Z Purist A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Zion, Illinois Posts: 1,873 Drives: '09 370Z-T BS M6 Rep Power: 19	These are great Togo... Kind of makes me wonder if you'll run out! __________________ -Phil "Since one of my brake light bulbs just went out, the forum told me that my piston rings are about to blow."

07-28-2009, 09:54 PM	#100 (permalink)
370Z Purist A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Zion, Illinois Posts: 1,873 Drives: '09 370Z-T BS M6 Rep Power: 19	^ awesome joke is win joke! __________________ -Phil "Since one of my brake light bulbs just went out, the forum told me that my piston rings are about to blow."

07-30-2009, 05:35 PM	#105 (permalink)
Chupacabra Enthusiast Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Weston, Florida Posts: 477 Drives: 09 Nissan 370z s M6 Rep Power: 200	A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says. "For what?" The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute." The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money." The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda -- look it up." She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary. It says, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves." __________________ Where are my aluminum pedals?

07-25-2009, 04:07 PM	#92 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	I guess everyone will just have to keep checking in to see if I do... I suppose I owe everyone one for today... brb

07-25-2009, 04:11 PM	#93 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door... The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning." He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "Are you kidding? NO, I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!!" His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.

07-26-2009, 11:37 AM	#94 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. "Please allow me to help, I'm a physical therapist and I know I could ease your pain if you'd allow me." she told him. "Oh no, I'll be all right in a few minutes," he replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hand together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and then asked, "How does that feel?" He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

07-27-2009, 08:59 AM	#95 (permalink)
rreign A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: South Carolina Age: 40 Posts: 2,341 Drives: 03 Evo 8 Rep Power: 709	haha, I just picture any one of us doing the exact same thing.

07-27-2009, 02:19 PM	#97 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	I hope this one doesn't offend anyone, it's not meant to be offensive. A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, we're not having any of that gay **** in our garden" she said.

07-27-2009, 02:22 PM	#98 (permalink)
rreign A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: South Carolina Age: 40 Posts: 2,341 Drives: 03 Evo 8 Rep Power: 709	^^ YES that was awesome. still laughing!!

07-28-2009, 05:29 PM	#99 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the f***g safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter. "But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money". "Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your f*g head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door. "Take one of the bottles and drink it!" "But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously. "Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She prises off the cap and gulps it down. "Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband... "Not that f***g difficult is it?" he says.

07-29-2009, 03:29 PM	#101 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: 1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp. 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his *. 6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook. 8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the out of him. 9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his *. 10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T." 11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me" 12) The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry". 13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God. 14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

07-29-2009, 03:59 PM	#102 (permalink)
xiven A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Atlanta Age: 43 Posts: 4,128 Drives: Cookie Monster Rep Power: 294

07-30-2009, 05:19 PM	#104 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	A man is driving home from work when he sees a car on the side of the road, on its roof, and flames all around. He stops his car and walks over to the wreck. Inside is a beautiful woman in the car who's bleeding to death, so he rushes her to the hospital. Six months she lies in the hospital, and he is with her every day and every night. He donated blood regularly to keep her alive. Eventually, she recovers fully, and they get married. Life is good for a few years, until one day she gets fed up and decides to leave him. He only loves money, and she knows she is just a trophy wife. She comes down the stairs, struggling with her two suitcases, reaching into her pocket for the keys to the Jaguar, "I'm leaving you," she says. "Oh really, and how are you going to leave? The keys in your hand are for the Jaguar I paid for. It's my car. You are not taking it anywhere." "Fine," she says, and throws the keys at him. "And those bulging suitcases, The clothes you are wearing, Everything I've paid for. They are my suitcases and my clothes. You're not taking them anywhere." "Fine," she says, throws the suitcases at him, strips off her clothes and throws them at him, too. "And the blood in your body, I sat with you for six months in the hospital. You know half of the blood is mine. You're not going anywhere." She quickly pulled out her tampon, threw it in his face and said......"I'll pay you back in monthly installments."