A teacher gave her students an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end.

The next day, the kids came back to class and one by one told stories about spilled milk and pennies saved. When it was little Janie's turn she walked to the front of the class and gave her presentation:

"My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 enemy troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife until the blade broke, and then killed the last with her bare hands."

'Good heavens!' exclaimed the teacher. 'What did your daddy tell you the moral of the horrific story was?'

Little Janie replied, "Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."

:icon18:

Haha this thread is great! Bump for temporary joy!

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ***, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

From joke.com

:icon18:

Yo' mama so old, she took her driver's test on a T-Rex!

yo mama got mo' clap than a auditorium.

A man is sun-bathing nude at the beach; a little girl comes up to him so he covers his penis with a newspaper. The little girl asks, 'What's under there?' The man says, 'A bird.' The girl walks away and the man falls asleep. He wakes up later in a hospital and is in great pain. A doctor and a policeman are at his bed, the doctor asks ...him, "Do you remember what happened?" The man replies, 'I don't know; I was at the beach and I fell asleep after talking to a little girl." The policeman says "I asked her what happened and she said, 'I didn't do anything to the man, but while he was asleep, I played with his bird. It spit at me! So I broke its neck, burned its nest, and smashed the two little eggs!

:icon18:

:rofl2:

One year, I decided to
buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't
buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I
replied,
"Well, you still haven't
used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight
started.....



______________________________



My wife and I were
watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we
were in bed.
I turned to her and said,
'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I
then said,
'Is that your final
answer?'
She didn't even look at
me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like
to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight
started...



________________________________



I took my wife to a
restaurant.
The waiter, for some
reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump
steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you
worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for
herself."
And that's when the fight
started.....



________________________________



My wife and I were
sitting at a table at her high school reunion,
and she
kept staring at a drunken
man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a
nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know
him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend....
I understand he took to drinking right after
we
split up those many years
ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who
would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?"
And then the fight
started...



________________________________



When our lawn mower broke
and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to
me
that I should get it
fixed. But, somehow I always had something
else to take
care of first, the shed,
the boat, making beer.. Always something
more
important to me. Finally
she thought of a clever way to make her
point.
When I arrived home one
day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily
snipping away with a tiny
pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently
for
a short time and then
went into the house.. I was gone only a minute,
and
when I came out again I
handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you
finish
cutting the grass, you
might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will
walk again, but I will always have a limp.



________________________________



My wife sat down next to
me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on
TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight
started...



________________________________



Saturday morning I got up
early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
and
slipped quietly into the
garage. I hooked up the boat up to the
van, and
proceeded to back out
into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing
50 mph, so I
pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that
the
weather would be bad all
day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped
back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back,
now with a
different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years
replied, "And, can you believe my stupid
husband
is out fishing in
that?"
And that's how the fight
started...



________________________________



My wife was hinting about
what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want
something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about
3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom
scale.
And then the fight
started......
________________________________



After retiring, I went to
the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.
The woman behind the
counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.
I looked in my pockets
and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I
was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton
your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt
revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver
hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
she
processed my Social
Security application..
When I got home, I
excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should
have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
And then the fight
started...



________________________________



My wife was standing
nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with
what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look
old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay
me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's
damn near perfect."
And then the fight
started........

4 men in a prison cell...
A psycho, a rapist, a murderer, and a gay...
The murderer says
If there was a cat in here I'd **** that **** till it died, The rapist says ya I'd would tie it up and **** it while it cried and begged me to stop, The physco then replies I would **** that **** so hard and cum all over its face... The gay man stood there lonely in a corner with a creepy smile on his face and replies "MEOW"

:bowrofl::bowrofl:

:facepalm: Why do I feel like I'll rot in hell for laughing at this...



Edit: Thats why! :tup:

:rofl2: :wtf2: