Joke of the Day

XwChriswX

__________________

Bonnie - Stage 2, Audio build coming this fall!
R.I.P. Abby 3/29/10 - 3/30/14

Togo

A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant told him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.

The man persisted and asked to see the manager.

The boy said he'll ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

No sooner had he finished his sentence that he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "... and this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who can think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing up there but whores and hockey players."

"Really?" exclaimed the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"

"No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

__________________
This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan.

Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

vipor

There he goes thinkin' on his feet again! Good answer

__________________

2009 NISMO # 0193 | QAB | Albums! | 05.04.10 (Dynojet) 291.94hp/248.28tq
Oil Cooler (DIY) | Custom Headlights | GTSPEC Braces | F.I. Long Tube Headers

Togo

Some Darwin Awards

7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with
milk.
Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the
fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his
house down, killing him.

6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died
of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2" tall and
weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and
white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to
create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas
mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in
its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a
hollow tube approx. 30" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end
was, for reasons unknown, inserted into his rectum and was the cause of
his suffocation.
Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to
his family very awkward.

5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude
when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the
occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and
crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants
around their ankles.

4. A 22-year-old, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus
straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County
police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these
straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end
to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park , jumped and hit the pavement.
Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia
was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that
he assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the
ground" Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was
"Major trauma."

3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a
friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball.
The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.

2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell
of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building,
extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.
After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas
company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had
difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the
lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the
technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that
resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like
object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to
three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter
was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of
causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.

AND THE WINNER.....(ouch....)

1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez
tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course.

Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez
managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his balls in the machine.
Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the
crank on the machine with Sanchez's balls in place, thus wedging them
solidly in the mechanism.

Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain , collapsed and
tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for him, the height of the ball
washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are
in a normal stance, and his balls were the weakest link.

Sanchez's balls ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was
plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the
other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the
housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside.

To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had
just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself.
Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining
threesome was asked to leave the course.

Note: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't
die.
However, because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of
stupidity, we have allowed it!

__________________
This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan.

Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

Togo

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities. "

"That's right," said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

"Yes," she said, "You're getting HIV, which is why I came here In the first place."

__________________
This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan.

Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

370zproject

__________________

Brake Upgrade Package ate blue, hawk hp ceramic pads, and slotted rotors

Togo

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

__________________
This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan.

Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

370zproject

also page 50

__________________

Brake Upgrade Package ate blue, hawk hp ceramic pads, and slotted rotors

Togo

Wow I didn't even realize i'm up to 50 pages in this thread... i've been slacking too...

__________________
This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan.

Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

370zproject

haha slacker >.>

__________________

Brake Upgrade Package ate blue, hawk hp ceramic pads, and slotted rotors

Togo

__________________
This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan.

Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

XwChriswX

Get back to work!

__________________

Bonnie - Stage 2, Audio build coming this fall!
R.I.P. Abby 3/29/10 - 3/30/14

Togo

I'm on vacation!

__________________
This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan.

Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

TX_370

Excuses!!!!

__________________

shadoquad

An old, lonely, pathetic man goes on vacation. (no offense, togo )

His plane crashes, but he manages to swim his way to a deserted island. After several weeks, he is walking along the beach one day and spots something glimmering in the distance, out on the water. As it grows closer and surfaces, it appears to be a gorgeous woman in a skin-tight wet suit.

She approaches with a wide smile and asks him, "When is the last time you had a proper cigar?" The old man replies, "It's been decades." The young woman unzips her suit slightly and pulls out a lighter and a fantastic cuban cigar.

He starts puffing at the cigar when she asks him, "When is the last time you had an ice-cold beer?" He says, "It's been years." She unzips her suit a little further and pulls him out an ice-cold beverage to enjoy with his smoke.

Then she approaches him very closely and zips her zipper nearly all the way down, and with a mischievous grin, she asks, "When's the last time you had some real fun?" The old man replies, "Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in that suit!"