Joke of the Day

phelan · 03-30-2010, 05:23 PM

Questions that have confused (and may still confuse) us:

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?

Who was the first person to look at a chicken and say, "I think I'll eat the next thing that comes out of it's butt"?

Why do toasters have a setting that burns toast to a horrible crisp, which no human would want to eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge, and not in the freezer?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when asking where the bathroom is?

Why does an OB-GYN leave the room when you undress if they're going to be up close and personal in there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto is on all fours? (They're both dogs!)

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they even dream?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy Acme rockets, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electronics, does morality come from morons?

Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

Do illiterate people get a kick out of alphabet soup?

Why do dogs get angry when you blow in their face, but when you take them for a car ride they stick their head out the window into the wind?

phelan · 04-07-2010, 05:26 PM

Sven and Ole worked together but were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked for his occupation, Sven looked the lady in the eye and said "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher, found it was classed as unskilled labor, and gave Sven $300 a week unemployment pay.

Ole goes in and when asked for his occupation, replies "Diesel fitter." Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave Ole $600 a week unemployment pay.

Sven found out about Ole's pay and was furious. He stormed back to find out why he was collecting double what he was getting. The clerk explained, "When I looked it up, panty-stitchers were unskilled laborers and diesel fitters were skilled laborers."

Sven screamed, "Skill! What skill!? I sew the elastic on, and he pulls on it and says:

Yep, diesel fitter"

XwChriswX · 04-07-2010, 05:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by phelan

Sven and Ole worked together but were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked for his occupation, Sven looked the lady in the eye and said "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher, found it was classed as unskilled labor, and gave Sven $300 a week unemployment pay.

Ole goes in and when asked for his occupation, replies "Diesel fitter." Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave Ole $600 a week unemployment pay.

Sven found out about Ole's pay and was furious. He stormed back to find out why he was collecting double what he was getting. The clerk explained, "When I looked it up, panty-stitchers were unskilled laborers and diesel fitters were skilled laborers."

Sven screamed, "Skill! What skill!? I sew the elastic on, and he pulls on it and says:

Yep, diesel fitter"

Togo · 04-07-2010, 08:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by phelan

Sven and Ole worked together but were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked for his occupation, Sven looked the lady in the eye and said "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher, found it was classed as unskilled labor, and gave Sven $300 a week unemployment pay.

Ole goes in and when asked for his occupation, replies "Diesel fitter." Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave Ole $600 a week unemployment pay.

Sven found out about Ole's pay and was furious. He stormed back to find out why he was collecting double what he was getting. The clerk explained, "When I looked it up, panty-stitchers were unskilled laborers and diesel fitters were skilled laborers."

Sven screamed, "Skill! What skill!? I sew the elastic on, and he pulls on it and says:

Yep, diesel fitter"

I think I posted this one already....

Togo · 04-08-2010, 02:54 PM

This guy is telling his buddies, "Last week I took my wife to the beach. We had a blast! First she buried me in the sand and then I buried her in the sand."

"Next year I'm going back to dig her up!"

Togo · 04-08-2010, 02:55 PM

The teacher is reading the class a fairy-tale when she asks little Johnnie if he has a fairy godmother. Little Johnnie replies

"No, but I got an uncle I'm not too sure about!"

Togo · 04-08-2010, 02:56 PM

Paddy the Irishman is at the doctors office and the doctor is looking in his mouth and says "Paddy what in the world made your tongue so black?"

Paddy replies "I dropped me bottle of whiskey on a freshly tarred road."

Togo · 04-08-2010, 02:57 PM

It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." he heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Japs."

"Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher: "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're fucked."

Suzuki said, "The Taliban! 2001"

XwChriswX · 04-08-2010, 03:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Togo

It was the first day of school in Mobile, Alabama, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." he heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Japs."

"Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher: "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're fucked."

Suzuki said, "The Taliban! 2001"

Edited for Correct location.

Togo · 04-08-2010, 03:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by XwChriswX

Edited for Correct location.

hahah

To US NY'ers, anyone south of Jersey might as well all be the same.. hahaha

frost · 04-19-2010, 08:22 PM

ruide: hey chris, stop fuckin cybering and let me show you something
cyph33r: what
cyph33r: i dont cyber cockbite, i have a gf
ruide: haha
cyph33r: what did you want to show me
ruide: i made an account on that scrabble website you go to
ruide: bubblegal_14
cyph33r: wtf
cyph33r: omg **** you you ******* prick
ruide: chrisharker: i slide two fingers into your tight *******
cyph33r: YOU ARE A ******* FAGGOT YOU KNOW THAT
cyph33r: I ******* HATE YOU
ruide: chrisharker: i've never done this before, am i doing it right?
cyph33r: **** OFF YOU ******* *******

QDB: Quote #829281

ejrives · 04-19-2010, 08:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by frost

ruide: hey chris, stop fuckin cybering and let me show you something
cyph33r: what
cyph33r: i dont cyber cockbite, i have a gf
ruide: haha
cyph33r: what did you want to show me
ruide: i made an account on that scrabble website you go to
ruide: bubblegal_14
cyph33r: wtf
cyph33r: omg **** you you ******* prick
ruide: chrisharker: i slide two fingers into your tight *******
cyph33r: YOU ARE A ******* FAGGOT YOU KNOW THAT
cyph33r: I ******* HATE YOU
ruide: chrisharker: i've never done this before, am i doing it right?
cyph33r: **** OFF YOU ******* *******

QDB: Quote #829281

hahaha, I love bash.org ; it's my favorite!

vipor · 04-19-2010, 11:09 PM

It's so bad that I get this. It actually made me laugh out loud

QDB: Quote #2550

Code:

<limited7> i have for(n = 1; n < 99; n = n /2) why is it loopin forever?

vipor · 04-19-2010, 11:11 PM

<_p> my lack of morals has absolutely nothing to do with my loins.
<_p> it just so happens that many immoral acts that are genuinely worth doing involve my dick.

vipor · 04-19-2010, 11:13 PM

<Draven> w0ot. 150 MB porn movie done!
<kaMIKazE> nice
<+RedvaldezAWAY> not bad Cow
<@murder1> wd d/l a 150 mb movie when all you're gonna last is at 500kb

Guys, I'm hooked....

03-30-2010, 05:23 PM	#1 (permalink)
phelan A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: CA Age: 39 Posts: 9,513 Drives: Scoobaroo Rep Power: 3406	Questions that have confused (and may still confuse) us: Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"? Who was the first person to look at a chicken and say, "I think I'll eat the next thing that comes out of it's butt"? Why do toasters have a setting that burns toast to a horrible crisp, which no human would want to eat? Why is there a light in the fridge, and not in the freezer? Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when asking where the bathroom is? Why does an OB-GYN leave the room when you undress if they're going to be up close and personal in there anyway? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto is on all fours? (They're both dogs!) What do you call male ballerinas? Can blind people see their dreams? Do they even dream? If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy Acme rockets, why didn't he just buy dinner? If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? If electricity comes from electronics, does morality come from morons? Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse? Do illiterate people get a kick out of alphabet soup? Why do dogs get angry when you blow in their face, but when you take them for a car ride they stick their head out the window into the wind? __________________ 凛 ('Rin') - 2009 Nissan 370Z With silence comes peace. With peace comes freedom. With freedom comes silence.

04-07-2010, 05:26 PM	#2 (permalink)
phelan A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: CA Age: 39 Posts: 9,513 Drives: Scoobaroo Rep Power: 3406	Sven and Ole worked together but were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked for his occupation, Sven looked the lady in the eye and said "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher, found it was classed as unskilled labor, and gave Sven $300 a week unemployment pay. Ole goes in and when asked for his occupation, replies "Diesel fitter." Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave Ole $600 a week unemployment pay. Sven found out about Ole's pay and was furious. He stormed back to find out why he was collecting double what he was getting. The clerk explained, "When I looked it up, panty-stitchers were unskilled laborers and diesel fitters were skilled laborers." Sven screamed, "Skill! What skill!? I sew the elastic on, and he pulls on it and says: Yep, diesel fitter" __________________ 凛 ('Rin') - 2009 Nissan 370Z With silence comes peace. With peace comes freedom. With freedom comes silence.

04-08-2010, 02:54 PM	#5 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	This guy is telling his buddies, "Last week I took my wife to the beach. We had a blast! First she buried me in the sand and then I buried her in the sand." "Next year I'm going back to dig her up!" __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

04-08-2010, 02:55 PM	#6 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	The teacher is reading the class a fairy-tale when she asks little Johnnie if he has a fairy godmother. Little Johnnie replies "No, but I got an uncle I'm not too sure about!" __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

04-08-2010, 02:56 PM	#7 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	Paddy the Irishman is at the doctors office and the doctor is looking in his mouth and says "Paddy what in the world made your tongue so black?" Paddy replies "I dropped me bottle of whiskey on a freshly tarred road." __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

04-08-2010, 02:57 PM	#8 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said. "Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki. The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." he heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Japs." "Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher: "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001." The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're fucked." Suzuki said, "The Taliban! 2001" __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

04-19-2010, 11:09 PM	#13 (permalink)
vipor A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Euless, TX [ DFW ] Age: 42 Posts: 13,531 Drives: Nismo 09-0183 QAB Rep Power: 49	It's so bad that I get this. It actually made me laugh out loud QDB: Quote #2550 Code: <limited7> i have for(n = 1; n < 99; n = n /2) why is it loopin forever? __________________ 2009 NISMO # 0193 \| QAB \| Albums! \| 05.04.10 (Dynojet) 291.94hp/248.28tq Oil Cooler (DIY) \| Custom Headlights \| GTSPEC Braces \| F.I. Long Tube Headers

04-19-2010, 11:11 PM	#14 (permalink)
vipor A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Euless, TX [ DFW ] Age: 42 Posts: 13,531 Drives: Nismo 09-0183 QAB Rep Power: 49	<_p> my lack of morals has absolutely nothing to do with my loins. <_p> it just so happens that many immoral acts that are genuinely worth doing involve my dick. __________________ 2009 NISMO # 0193 \| QAB \| Albums! \| 05.04.10 (Dynojet) 291.94hp/248.28tq Oil Cooler (DIY) \| Custom Headlights \| GTSPEC Braces \| F.I. Long Tube Headers

04-19-2010, 11:13 PM	#15 (permalink)
vipor A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Euless, TX [ DFW ] Age: 42 Posts: 13,531 Drives: Nismo 09-0183 QAB Rep Power: 49	<Draven> w0ot. 150 MB porn movie done! <kaMIKazE> nice <+RedvaldezAWAY> not bad Cow <@murder1> wd d/l a 150 mb movie when all you're gonna last is at 500kb Guys, I'm hooked.... __________________ 2009 NISMO # 0193 \| QAB \| Albums! \| 05.04.10 (Dynojet) 291.94hp/248.28tq Oil Cooler (DIY) \| Custom Headlights \| GTSPEC Braces \| F.I. Long Tube Headers

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