Joke of the Day

Togo · 03-18-2010, 09:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by phelan

lol togo i was just about to yell at you

Quote:

Originally Posted by phelan

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit at exactly twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says proudly. The officer, chuckling, explains that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing our her error. "But before I let you go, ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time."

"Oh they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off route 142."

Togo · 03-19-2010, 07:20 PM

A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy. The teacher tells him to go down to the principal's office, to phone his mom, and ask her what he should do about it.

He does this, then returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom" she says.

"I did" he says. "She told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

frost · 03-24-2010, 08:41 PM

A very tired nurse walks into a bank,

Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a check,

She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse

And tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake,

She looks at the flabbergasted teller

And without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great...that's just great....

Some asshole's got my pen!'

vipor · 03-24-2010, 08:46 PM

370zproject · 03-25-2010, 01:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by frost

A very tired nurse walks into a bank,

Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a check,

She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse

And tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake,

She looks at the flabbergasted teller

And without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great...that's just great....

Some asshole's got my pen!'

vipor · 03-25-2010, 09:15 AM

It was announced today that Buckwheat, of Our Gang fame has converted to
the Muslim faith and changed his name to Kareem of Wheat.

XwChriswX · 03-25-2010, 12:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by frost

A very tired nurse walks into a bank,

Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a check,

She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse

And tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake,

She looks at the flabbergasted teller

And without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great...that's just great....

Some asshole's got my pen!'

Frost just farted out literature...

Togo · 03-29-2010, 05:26 PM

The other day at work I ran into Bob. We chatted over lunch and he dropped a bombsell on me.

"Rodney" he said, "Becky and I are going to get a divorce".

I was stunned. "Why? What happened, you two seem so happy together"

"Well" he said, "ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market."

"Are you a little bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you." I probed.

"Nah, I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

Togo · 03-29-2010, 05:27 PM

There were three dogs at the vet talking to each other when one says, "I chewed up all my masters shoes, and that's why I'm here".

The next dog said, "I peed on my masters $1,000 rug".

The next dog then comes in and say's, "My master is a female and she likes to clean house in the nude, so when she bent over to pick up something, I went for the ride of a life time!".

"And that's why you're here?" asked the other dogs. "Yeah, I'm getting my nails clipped."

phelan · 03-30-2010, 06:23 PM

Questions that have confused (and may still confuse) us:

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?

Who was the first person to look at a chicken and say, "I think I'll eat the next thing that comes out of it's butt"?

Why do toasters have a setting that burns toast to a horrible crisp, which no human would want to eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge, and not in the freezer?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when asking where the bathroom is?

Why does an OB-GYN leave the room when you undress if they're going to be up close and personal in there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto is on all fours? (They're both dogs!)

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they even dream?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy Acme rockets, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electronics, does morality come from morons?

Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

Do illiterate people get a kick out of alphabet soup?

Why do dogs get angry when you blow in their face, but when you take them for a car ride they stick their head out the window into the wind?

phelan · 04-07-2010, 06:26 PM

Sven and Ole worked together but were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked for his occupation, Sven looked the lady in the eye and said "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher, found it was classed as unskilled labor, and gave Sven $300 a week unemployment pay.

Ole goes in and when asked for his occupation, replies "Diesel fitter." Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave Ole $600 a week unemployment pay.

Sven found out about Ole's pay and was furious. He stormed back to find out why he was collecting double what he was getting. The clerk explained, "When I looked it up, panty-stitchers were unskilled laborers and diesel fitters were skilled laborers."

Sven screamed, "Skill! What skill!? I sew the elastic on, and he pulls on it and says:

Yep, diesel fitter"

XwChriswX · 04-07-2010, 06:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by phelan

Sven and Ole worked together but were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked for his occupation, Sven looked the lady in the eye and said "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher, found it was classed as unskilled labor, and gave Sven $300 a week unemployment pay.

Ole goes in and when asked for his occupation, replies "Diesel fitter." Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave Ole $600 a week unemployment pay.

Sven found out about Ole's pay and was furious. He stormed back to find out why he was collecting double what he was getting. The clerk explained, "When I looked it up, panty-stitchers were unskilled laborers and diesel fitters were skilled laborers."

Sven screamed, "Skill! What skill!? I sew the elastic on, and he pulls on it and says:

Yep, diesel fitter"

Togo · 04-07-2010, 09:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by phelan

Sven and Ole worked together but were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked for his occupation, Sven looked the lady in the eye and said "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher, found it was classed as unskilled labor, and gave Sven $300 a week unemployment pay.

Ole goes in and when asked for his occupation, replies "Diesel fitter." Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave Ole $600 a week unemployment pay.

Sven found out about Ole's pay and was furious. He stormed back to find out why he was collecting double what he was getting. The clerk explained, "When I looked it up, panty-stitchers were unskilled laborers and diesel fitters were skilled laborers."

Sven screamed, "Skill! What skill!? I sew the elastic on, and he pulls on it and says:

Yep, diesel fitter"

I think I posted this one already....

Togo · 04-08-2010, 03:54 PM

This guy is telling his buddies, "Last week I took my wife to the beach. We had a blast! First she buried me in the sand and then I buried her in the sand."

"Next year I'm going back to dig her up!"

Togo · 04-08-2010, 03:55 PM

The teacher is reading the class a fairy-tale when she asks little Johnnie if he has a fairy godmother. Little Johnnie replies

"No, but I got an uncle I'm not too sure about!"

03-19-2010, 07:20 PM	#662 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy. The teacher tells him to go down to the principal's office, to phone his mom, and ask her what he should do about it. He does this, then returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom" she says. "I did" he says. "She told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school." __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

03-24-2010, 08:46 PM	#664 (permalink)
vipor A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Euless, TX [ DFW ] Age: 42 Posts: 13,531 Drives: Nismo 09-0183 QAB Rep Power: 49	__________________ 2009 NISMO # 0193 \| QAB \| Albums! \| 05.04.10 (Dynojet) 291.94hp/248.28tq Oil Cooler (DIY) \| Custom Headlights \| GTSPEC Braces \| F.I. Long Tube Headers

03-25-2010, 09:15 AM	#666 (permalink)
vipor A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Euless, TX [ DFW ] Age: 42 Posts: 13,531 Drives: Nismo 09-0183 QAB Rep Power: 49	It was announced today that Buckwheat, of Our Gang fame has converted to the Muslim faith and changed his name to Kareem of Wheat. __________________ 2009 NISMO # 0193 \| QAB \| Albums! \| 05.04.10 (Dynojet) 291.94hp/248.28tq Oil Cooler (DIY) \| Custom Headlights \| GTSPEC Braces \| F.I. Long Tube Headers

03-29-2010, 05:26 PM	#668 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	The other day at work I ran into Bob. We chatted over lunch and he dropped a bombsell on me. "Rodney" he said, "Becky and I are going to get a divorce". I was stunned. "Why? What happened, you two seem so happy together" "Well" he said, "ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market." "Are you a little bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you." I probed. "Nah, I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me." __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

03-29-2010, 05:27 PM	#669 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	There were three dogs at the vet talking to each other when one says, "I chewed up all my masters shoes, and that's why I'm here". The next dog said, "I peed on my masters $1,000 rug". The next dog then comes in and say's, "My master is a female and she likes to clean house in the nude, so when she bent over to pick up something, I went for the ride of a life time!". "And that's why you're here?" asked the other dogs. "Yeah, I'm getting my nails clipped." __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

03-24-2010, 08:41 PM	#663 (permalink)
frost Retired admin Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Winterfell Posts: 106,613 Drives: Your Wife Crazy Rep Power: 0	A very tired nurse walks into a bank, Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse And tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, She looks at the flabbergasted teller And without missing a beat, she says: 'Well, that's great...that's just great.... Some asshole's got my pen!'

03-30-2010, 06:23 PM	#670 (permalink)
phelan A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: CA Age: 38 Posts: 9,513 Drives: Scoobaroo Rep Power: 3406	Questions that have confused (and may still confuse) us: Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"? Who was the first person to look at a chicken and say, "I think I'll eat the next thing that comes out of it's butt"? Why do toasters have a setting that burns toast to a horrible crisp, which no human would want to eat? Why is there a light in the fridge, and not in the freezer? Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when asking where the bathroom is? Why does an OB-GYN leave the room when you undress if they're going to be up close and personal in there anyway? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto is on all fours? (They're both dogs!) What do you call male ballerinas? Can blind people see their dreams? Do they even dream? If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy Acme rockets, why didn't he just buy dinner? If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? If electricity comes from electronics, does morality come from morons? Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse? Do illiterate people get a kick out of alphabet soup? Why do dogs get angry when you blow in their face, but when you take them for a car ride they stick their head out the window into the wind? __________________ 凛 ('Rin') - 2009 Nissan 370Z With silence comes peace. With peace comes freedom. With freedom comes silence.

04-07-2010, 06:26 PM	#671 (permalink)
phelan A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: CA Age: 38 Posts: 9,513 Drives: Scoobaroo Rep Power: 3406	Sven and Ole worked together but were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked for his occupation, Sven looked the lady in the eye and said "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher, found it was classed as unskilled labor, and gave Sven $300 a week unemployment pay. Ole goes in and when asked for his occupation, replies "Diesel fitter." Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave Ole $600 a week unemployment pay. Sven found out about Ole's pay and was furious. He stormed back to find out why he was collecting double what he was getting. The clerk explained, "When I looked it up, panty-stitchers were unskilled laborers and diesel fitters were skilled laborers." Sven screamed, "Skill! What skill!? I sew the elastic on, and he pulls on it and says: Yep, diesel fitter" __________________ 凛 ('Rin') - 2009 Nissan 370Z With silence comes peace. With peace comes freedom. With freedom comes silence.

04-08-2010, 03:54 PM	#674 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	This guy is telling his buddies, "Last week I took my wife to the beach. We had a blast! First she buried me in the sand and then I buried her in the sand." "Next year I'm going back to dig her up!" __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

04-08-2010, 03:55 PM	#675 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	The teacher is reading the class a fairy-tale when she asks little Johnnie if he has a fairy godmother. Little Johnnie replies "No, but I got an uncle I'm not too sure about!" __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan