Joke of the Day

Togo · 03-10-2010, 03:40 PM

A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders 10 shots of tequila.

The bartender pours the shots and asks the man if he is feeling OK. The man responds by saying that he is fine and he's actually celebrating his first blowjob. He then knocks back all 10 shots one after the other.

The bartender says to the man, "Hey, since it was your first blowjob, let me buy you another shot."

The man replies "No, no... if 10 shots of tequila doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."

Togo · 03-10-2010, 03:43 PM

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"

"That`s awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."

"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "Could it have been worse?"

"Well," replied Frank, "If it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"

Togo · 03-10-2010, 03:47 PM

At the airport, after getting all the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me your Eminence," says the limo driver, "Would you please take your seat so that we can leave?"

"To tell you the truth," says the Pope,"they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd loose my job! What if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, my God, I'm gonna loose my license," moaned the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches. But the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going at a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger"

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger"

Chief: "Senator?"

Cop: "Bigger"

"Well," said the Chief, " Who is it?"

Cop: " I think it's Jesus!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's Jesus?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"

Togo · 03-10-2010, 03:50 PM

First Jewish Woman President...

The year is 2012 and the United States of America has recently elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb. She calls up her mother a few weeks after election day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my gout is acting up again."

"Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?"

"Oh Mom" replies Susan, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York."

"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."

The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher all the way. Mom, I really
want you to come."

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 21, 2013, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States of America. In the front row sits the new president's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her.

"You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States?"

The Senator whispers back, "Yes I do."

Mom says proudly, "Her brother's a doctor."

Togo · 03-10-2010, 03:53 PM

Every day at the office, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "So what's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

Togo · 03-10-2010, 04:01 PM

Bono is at a U2 concert in Ireland when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone: "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

An Irish voice from near the front of the audience pierces the silence: "Fuckin' stop doin' it then!"

Togo · 03-10-2010, 04:05 PM

THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but only "down under."

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when
they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch

vipor · 03-10-2010, 04:06 PM

Dude, JOKE OF THE DAY. Not 80 million jokes 1 day and none after that for a month!

Togo · 03-10-2010, 04:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vipor

Dude, JOKE OF THE DAY. Not 80 million jokes 1 day and none after that for a month!

Hahaha I had to make up for all the missed days. I'll try to stay on top of it more..

either way, I'm done for today.. lol

Togo · 03-10-2010, 04:06 PM

A girl walks into a bar in Texas , orders a beer and sits down at the bar where a Mexican and an Iraqi are also drinking beers.

The Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."

The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The Texas girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer and drinks it, throws her glass into the air, pulls out her gun, shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, then catches her glass. She says, "In Texas we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice".

vipor · 03-10-2010, 04:08 PM

gj

loved the Pope one

Togo · 03-10-2010, 04:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vipor

gj

loved the Pope one

haha yeah that one made me laugh too..

Togo · 03-11-2010, 04:37 PM

It was a few days after Thanksgiving vacation and the first grade teacher was having her students tell about their vacation.

The first little girl says, "We went to visit Nana."

The teacher corrected her, "We're big kids now, we don't say Nana, we say Grandma."

The next kid says, "We went to Na...er..Grandma's house and I got to play with a choo choo."

The teacher corrected him and said, "WE say train not choo choo."

And then it was Little Johnny's turn, "WE went to Nana....er...Grandma's house and she read me a book."

The teacher says, "That's very good Johnny, what was the name of the book?"

Little Johnny answers, "It was Winnie the... shit."

370zproject · 03-11-2010, 10:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Togo

A girl walks into a bar in Texas , orders a beer and sits down at the bar where a Mexican and an Iraqi are also drinking beers.

The Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."

The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The Texas girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer and drinks it, throws her glass into the air, pulls out her gun, shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, then catches her glass. She says, "In Texas we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice".

Quote:

Originally Posted by Togo

It was a few days after Thanksgiving vacation and the first grade teacher was having her students tell about their vacation.

The first little girl says, "We went to visit Nana."

The teacher corrected her, "We're big kids now, we don't say Nana, we say Grandma."

The next kid says, "We went to Na...er..Grandma's house and I got to play with a choo choo."

The teacher corrected him and said, "WE say train not choo choo."

And then it was Little Johnny's turn, "WE went to Nana....er...Grandma's house and she read me a book."

The teacher says, "That's very good Johnny, what was the name of the book?"

Little Johnny answers, "It was Winnie the... shit."

Togo · 03-12-2010, 06:10 PM

WAYS TO TURN DOWN UNWANTED MEN !!!!

HE : Can I buy you a drink?
SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE : I must've been given your share.

HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE : Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE : Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE : Okay, get out.

HE : I think I could make you very happy.
SHE : Why? Are you leaving?

HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE : Can I have your name?
SHE : Why? Don't you already have one?

HE : Shall we go see a movie?
SHE : I've already seen it.

HE : Where have you been all my life?
SHE : Hiding from you.

HE : Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE : Is this seat empty?
SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE : So, what do you do for a living?
SHE : I'm a female impersonator.

HE : Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE : Do not enter.

HE : Your body is like a temple.
SHE : Sorry, there are no services today.

HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

03-10-2010, 03:40 PM	#1 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders 10 shots of tequila. The bartender pours the shots and asks the man if he is feeling OK. The man responds by saying that he is fine and he's actually celebrating his first blowjob. He then knocks back all 10 shots one after the other. The bartender says to the man, "Hey, since it was your first blowjob, let me buy you another shot." The man replies "No, no... if 10 shots of tequila doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will." __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

03-10-2010, 03:43 PM	#2 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it. On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!" "That`s awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse." "How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "Could it have been worse?" "Well," replied Frank, "If it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!" __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

03-10-2010, 03:47 PM	#3 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	At the airport, after getting all the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me your Eminence," says the limo driver, "Would you please take your seat so that we can leave?" "To tell you the truth," says the Pope,"they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today." "I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd loose my job! What if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. "There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. "Please slow down, Your Holiness!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, my God, I'm gonna loose my license," moaned the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches. But the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going at a hundred and five. "So bust him," said the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop. The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?" Cop: "Bigger" Chief: "Governor?" Cop: "Bigger" Chief: "Senator?" Cop: "Bigger" "Well," said the Chief, " Who is it?" Cop: " I think it's Jesus!" Chief: "What makes you think it's Jesus?" Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!" __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

03-10-2010, 03:50 PM	#4 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	First Jewish Woman President... The year is 2012 and the United States of America has recently elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb. She calls up her mother a few weeks after election day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?" "I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my gout is acting up again." "Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door." "I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?" "Oh Mom" replies Susan, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York." "Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat." The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come." So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 21, 2013, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States of America. In the front row sits the new president's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her. "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States?" The Senator whispers back, "Yes I do." Mom says proudly, "Her brother's a doctor." __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

03-10-2010, 03:53 PM	#5 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	Every day at the office, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "So what's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget." __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

03-10-2010, 04:01 PM	#6 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	Bono is at a U2 concert in Ireland when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone: "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." An Irish voice from near the front of the audience pierces the silence: "Fuckin' stop doin' it then!" __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

03-10-2010, 04:05 PM	#7 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR? A: It's Braille for "suck here". Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS? A: It's the same as a French kiss, but only "down under." Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS? A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear. Q: WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN? A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them. Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING? A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

03-10-2010, 04:06 PM	#8 (permalink)
vipor A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Euless, TX [ DFW ] Age: 42 Posts: 13,531 Drives: Nismo 09-0183 QAB Rep Power: 49	Dude, JOKE OF THE DAY. Not 80 million jokes 1 day and none after that for a month! __________________ 2009 NISMO # 0193 \| QAB \| Albums! \| 05.04.10 (Dynojet) 291.94hp/248.28tq Oil Cooler (DIY) \| Custom Headlights \| GTSPEC Braces \| F.I. Long Tube Headers

03-10-2010, 04:06 PM	#10 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	A girl walks into a bar in Texas , orders a beer and sits down at the bar where a Mexican and an Iraqi are also drinking beers. The Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice." The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either." The Texas girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer and drinks it, throws her glass into the air, pulls out her gun, shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, then catches her glass. She says, "In Texas we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice". __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

03-10-2010, 04:08 PM	#11 (permalink)
vipor A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Euless, TX [ DFW ] Age: 42 Posts: 13,531 Drives: Nismo 09-0183 QAB Rep Power: 49	gj loved the Pope one __________________ 2009 NISMO # 0193 \| QAB \| Albums! \| 05.04.10 (Dynojet) 291.94hp/248.28tq Oil Cooler (DIY) \| Custom Headlights \| GTSPEC Braces \| F.I. Long Tube Headers

03-11-2010, 04:37 PM	#13 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	It was a few days after Thanksgiving vacation and the first grade teacher was having her students tell about their vacation. The first little girl says, "We went to visit Nana." The teacher corrected her, "We're big kids now, we don't say Nana, we say Grandma." The next kid says, "We went to Na...er..Grandma's house and I got to play with a choo choo." The teacher corrected him and said, "WE say train not choo choo." And then it was Little Johnny's turn, "WE went to Nana....er...Grandma's house and she read me a book." The teacher says, "That's very good Johnny, what was the name of the book?" Little Johnny answers, "It was Winnie the... shit." __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

03-12-2010, 06:10 PM	#15 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	WAYS TO TURN DOWN UNWANTED MEN !!!! HE : Can I buy you a drink? SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money. HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours. SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours. HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice? SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice. HE : How did you get to be so beautiful? SHE : I must've been given your share. HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday? SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend. HE : Your face must turn a few heads. SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs. HE : Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out. SHE : Okay, get out. HE : I think I could make you very happy. SHE : Why? Are you leaving? HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me? SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time. HE : Can I have your name? SHE : Why? Don't you already have one? HE : Shall we go see a movie? SHE : I've already seen it. HE : Where have you been all my life? SHE : Hiding from you. HE : Haven't I seen you some place before? SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore. HE : Is this seat empty? SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. HE : So, what do you do for a living? SHE : I'm a female impersonator. HE : Hey baby, what's your sign? SHE : Do not enter. HE : Your body is like a temple. SHE : Sorry, there are no services today. HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing. __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan