Joke of the Day

Chico370Z · 02-26-2010, 12:21 PM

A Christmas divorce

An elderly man in Perth calls his son in Sydney and says, 'I hate to ruin your Christmas, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting divorced; 35 years of misery is enough.'

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the old man says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in England and tell her,' and he hangs up.

In a panic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

'Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.'

She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man, 'You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there on Friday. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up and turns to his wife.

'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.'

Chico370Z · 02-26-2010, 12:23 PM

Three blondes

Three blondes were walking in the bush one day. They saw a set of tracks and started arguing over what kind of tracks they were.

The first blonde said, "I think they’re sheep tracks!"

The second blonde said, "I think they’re dog tracks!"

The third blonde said, "Well, I think they’re cow tracks!"

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

vipor · 02-26-2010, 12:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chico370Z

Three blondes

Three blondes were walking in the bush one day. They saw a set of tracks and started arguing over what kind of tracks they were.

The first blonde said, "I think they’re sheep tracks!"

The second blonde said, "I think they’re dog tracks!"

The third blonde said, "Well, I think they’re cow tracks!"

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

Chico370Z · 02-26-2010, 12:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vipor

man that facepalm really makes its rounds around here since it became official lol

Chico370Z · 02-26-2010, 12:25 PM

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

Chico370Z · 02-26-2010, 12:29 PM

at Harvard University in a biology class,
The professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.
A young female raised her hand and asked, "If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as in sugar?"
"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add much Statistical data.
Raising her hand again, the sweet young thing asked, Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor
Girl turned bright red and as she realized exactly what she had
said (or rather implied), she picked up her books
Without a word and walked out of the class.
However, as she was going out of the door, the professor's reply was a classic.
Totally straight-faced, he answered her question, "It doesn't, taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat.

Chico370Z · 02-26-2010, 12:32 PM

A newly deceased man, David, stands at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. David decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven.

So off he goes with an ugly, stupid woman, while he pretends to be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend Steve up ahead - with an even uglier woman. When he asks what's going on, Steve
replies, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money." They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

David, Steve, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend Don up ahead. He is with an absolutely gorgeous woman who looks like a supermodel/centerfold. Stunned, David and Steve approach the man and discover that it is their friend Don. They ask him how he got this unbelievable goddess, while they're stuck with these God-awful women.

Don replies, "I have no idea, but I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have had five years of the best sex any man could hope to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. Everytime we finish having **** she rolls over and murmurs to herself, "Damn income taxes!"

Chico370Z · 02-26-2010, 12:37 PM

A comparative study of economic systems
Socialism
You have 2 cows that you've worked hard for. The government takes one of them and gives it to your neighbour who doesn't have cows because he's too lazy to get off his ***.

Communism
You have 2 cows. The government takes them both away and gives you some milk in return.

Fascism
You have 2 cows. The government takes them both away and offers to sell you milk.

Nazism
You have 2 cows. The government takes them both away and then shoots you.

Bureaucracy
You have 2 cows. The government takes them both away, shoots one, milks the other one and pours the milk down the drain.

Traditional capitalism
You have 2 cows. You trade one for a bull, breed an entire hurd, sell the whole shebang and go live off the interest.

Lehman Brothers capitalism
You have 2 cows. You sell 3 of them to a daughter franchise in Korea using the credit you got from an Icelandic bank through your mother-in-law. Next, you make a deal with a company in the Cayman Islands to buy your 4 cows and donate them back to you, so you can deduct the taxes for the 5 cows. You let a henchman invest the grants paid to you by the EU for your 6 cows into your Korean daughter franchise. In your annual report you indicate 8 cows with an option for a 9th. You sell 3 cows to buy an American farm and subsequently get exposed on the American market for not actually knowing the first damn thing about cows. You claim that you don't understand why your stables are empty and get sent to prison.

American system
You have 2 cows. You sell one and force the other one to give milk for 4. You're surprised when the poor animal drops dead.

Wallonian system (= French speaking southern part of Belgium)
You have 2 cows. You go on strike because you want 3.

Flemmish system (=Dutch speaking northern part of Belgium)
You have 2 cows and start deliberating endlessly with everybody about the conditions to start deliberating [sic]about how those cows should be milked and cared for.

Japanese system
You have 2 cows. You genetically manipulate them to become 10 times smaller than a normal cow and give 20 times more milk.

German system
You have 2 cows. You genetically manipulate them so they live to the age of 100, only need food once a month and can milk themselves.

British system
You have 2 cows. They're both mad.
Quid pro pro: the Dutch system!
A farmer somewhere in a country village has 2 cows. You and some other guys from the big city form a committee to determine how this farmer can best look after his 2 cows and milk them as animal-friendly as possible. Next, you go court and demand that this farmer follows your committee's guidelines.

Italian system
You have 2 cows, but you're not sure where they are... and now you're off to go eat some spaghetti.

Russian system
You have 2 cows. You count them and discover there are 5. You count them again and discover there are 30. You count them again and discover there are 17. You give up on counting and open your 4th bottle of Vodka this morning.

French system
You have 2 cows. They are the most important cows in the world.

Swiss system
You have 500 cows, but none of them are actually yours. You make a living by looking after them for some "unknown" foreigners.

Austrian system
You have 2 cows in the basement, but the neighbours have never seen them.

Danish system
You have 2 cows in a design barn and now everybody wants that combination.

Maroccan system
You have 2 cows who love to (endlessly) negotiate the milk prices by themselves.

Spanish system
You had 2 cows, but you used that handsome EU grant to turn them into sausages and ground beef.

Swedish system
You sell cows cheaply, packed in a box which also contains a nice leaflet explaining how to milk them. A tiny bucket is included.

Scottish system
You have 2 cows, but the English refuse to recognize them as yours. They do want your milk profits though.

And finally, the Wisconsin system
You have 1 cow, to which you're married.

Chico370Z · 03-04-2010, 12:03 PM

wow, bump this to the top...anyone?

phelan · 03-10-2010, 02:55 PM

Because brog0 became slowg0...

Ten ways to say your zipper is down:
-The cucumber has left the salad
-Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his beels
-You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position
-Paging Mr. Johnson...paging Mr. Johnson...
-Elvis is leaving the building.
-The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
-Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
-You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
-Men may be from Mars...but I see something that rhymes with Venus.

and top to it all off:

I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts!

phelan · 03-10-2010, 03:00 PM

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the major.
She asked, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am, just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes ma'am, a lot of action."
Trying to start up a conversation, the young lady said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The sergeant major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955," he replied.
"Well, there you are, No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.
Afterwards, she leaned against his chest and said, "Wow you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The sergeant major said in a serious voice, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

simota1 · 03-10-2010, 03:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by phelan

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the major.
She asked, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am, just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes ma'am, a lot of action."
Trying to start up a conversation, the young lady said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The sergeant major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955," he replied.
"Well, there you are, No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.
Afterwards, she leaned against his chest and said, "Wow you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The sergeant major said in a serious voice, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

hahahahaha

btw phelan ur sig is LOL phelan hahahah

Togo · 03-10-2010, 03:37 PM

OK, br0g0 to the rescue!!!

An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.

One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.

"Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."

phelan · 03-10-2010, 03:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Togo

OK, br0g0 to the rescue!!!

An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.

One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.

"Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."

ewwwwwwww >_< hahahaha

Togo · 03-10-2010, 03:40 PM

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)

"I kicked her in the face."

02-26-2010, 12:21 PM	#1 (permalink)
Chico370Z Base Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: East Bay, CA Posts: 233 Drives: 09 370Z Touring Rep Power: 16	A Christmas divorce An elderly man in Perth calls his son in Sydney and says, 'I hate to ruin your Christmas, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting divorced; 35 years of misery is enough.' 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. 'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the old man says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in England and tell her,' and he hangs up. In a panic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.' She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man, 'You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there on Friday. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up. The old man hangs up and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.' __________________ 04 Nissan Sentra SpecV: Brembos, Nismo Intake/Exhaust/Short Shifter, Eibach Sportlines, ES MMI - SOLD / / / 09 Nissan 370Z Touring: Invidia Gemini Exhaust, ERZ HFC, GTM 25 Row Cooler, Z1 Tubes, and K&N Drop Ins

02-26-2010, 12:23 PM	#2 (permalink)
Chico370Z Base Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: East Bay, CA Posts: 233 Drives: 09 370Z Touring Rep Power: 16	Three blondes Three blondes were walking in the bush one day. They saw a set of tracks and started arguing over what kind of tracks they were. The first blonde said, "I think they’re sheep tracks!" The second blonde said, "I think they’re dog tracks!" The third blonde said, "Well, I think they’re cow tracks!" They were still arguing when the train hit them. __________________ 04 Nissan Sentra SpecV: Brembos, Nismo Intake/Exhaust/Short Shifter, Eibach Sportlines, ES MMI - SOLD / / / 09 Nissan 370Z Touring: Invidia Gemini Exhaust, ERZ HFC, GTM 25 Row Cooler, Z1 Tubes, and K&N Drop Ins

02-26-2010, 12:25 PM	#5 (permalink)
Chico370Z Base Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: East Bay, CA Posts: 233 Drives: 09 370Z Touring Rep Power: 16	An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful." __________________ 04 Nissan Sentra SpecV: Brembos, Nismo Intake/Exhaust/Short Shifter, Eibach Sportlines, ES MMI - SOLD / / / 09 Nissan 370Z Touring: Invidia Gemini Exhaust, ERZ HFC, GTM 25 Row Cooler, Z1 Tubes, and K&N Drop Ins

02-26-2010, 12:29 PM	#6 (permalink)
Chico370Z Base Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: East Bay, CA Posts: 233 Drives: 09 370Z Touring Rep Power: 16	at Harvard University in a biology class, The professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female raised her hand and asked, "If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as in sugar?" "That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add much Statistical data. Raising her hand again, the sweet young thing asked, Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor Girl turned bright red and as she realized exactly what she had said (or rather implied), she picked up her books Without a word and walked out of the class. However, as she was going out of the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight-faced, he answered her question, "It doesn't, taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat. __________________ 04 Nissan Sentra SpecV: Brembos, Nismo Intake/Exhaust/Short Shifter, Eibach Sportlines, ES MMI - SOLD / / / 09 Nissan 370Z Touring: Invidia Gemini Exhaust, ERZ HFC, GTM 25 Row Cooler, Z1 Tubes, and K&N Drop Ins

02-26-2010, 12:32 PM	#7 (permalink)
Chico370Z Base Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: East Bay, CA Posts: 233 Drives: 09 370Z Touring Rep Power: 16	A newly deceased man, David, stands at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. David decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he goes with an ugly, stupid woman, while he pretends to be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend Steve up ahead - with an even uglier woman. When he asks what's going on, Steve replies, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money." They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time. David, Steve, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend Don up ahead. He is with an absolutely gorgeous woman who looks like a supermodel/centerfold. Stunned, David and Steve approach the man and discover that it is their friend Don. They ask him how he got this unbelievable goddess, while they're stuck with these God-awful women. Don replies, "I have no idea, but I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have had five years of the best sex any man could hope to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. Everytime we finish having **** she rolls over and murmurs to herself, "Damn income taxes!" __________________ 04 Nissan Sentra SpecV: Brembos, Nismo Intake/Exhaust/Short Shifter, Eibach Sportlines, ES MMI - SOLD / / / 09 Nissan 370Z Touring: Invidia Gemini Exhaust, ERZ HFC, GTM 25 Row Cooler, Z1 Tubes, and K&N Drop Ins

02-26-2010, 12:37 PM	#8 (permalink)
Chico370Z Base Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: East Bay, CA Posts: 233 Drives: 09 370Z Touring Rep Power: 16	A comparative study of economic systems Socialism You have 2 cows that you've worked hard for. The government takes one of them and gives it to your neighbour who doesn't have cows because he's too lazy to get off his ***. Communism You have 2 cows. The government takes them both away and gives you some milk in return. Fascism You have 2 cows. The government takes them both away and offers to sell you milk. Nazism You have 2 cows. The government takes them both away and then shoots you. Bureaucracy You have 2 cows. The government takes them both away, shoots one, milks the other one and pours the milk down the drain. Traditional capitalism You have 2 cows. You trade one for a bull, breed an entire hurd, sell the whole shebang and go live off the interest. Lehman Brothers capitalism You have 2 cows. You sell 3 of them to a daughter franchise in Korea using the credit you got from an Icelandic bank through your mother-in-law. Next, you make a deal with a company in the Cayman Islands to buy your 4 cows and donate them back to you, so you can deduct the taxes for the 5 cows. You let a henchman invest the grants paid to you by the EU for your 6 cows into your Korean daughter franchise. In your annual report you indicate 8 cows with an option for a 9th. You sell 3 cows to buy an American farm and subsequently get exposed on the American market for not actually knowing the first damn thing about cows. You claim that you don't understand why your stables are empty and get sent to prison. American system You have 2 cows. You sell one and force the other one to give milk for 4. You're surprised when the poor animal drops dead. Wallonian system (= French speaking southern part of Belgium) You have 2 cows. You go on strike because you want 3. Flemmish system (=Dutch speaking northern part of Belgium) You have 2 cows and start deliberating endlessly with everybody about the conditions to start deliberating [sic]about how those cows should be milked and cared for. Japanese system You have 2 cows. You genetically manipulate them to become 10 times smaller than a normal cow and give 20 times more milk. German system You have 2 cows. You genetically manipulate them so they live to the age of 100, only need food once a month and can milk themselves. British system You have 2 cows. They're both mad. Quid pro pro: the Dutch system! A farmer somewhere in a country village has 2 cows. You and some other guys from the big city form a committee to determine how this farmer can best look after his 2 cows and milk them as animal-friendly as possible. Next, you go court and demand that this farmer follows your committee's guidelines. Italian system You have 2 cows, but you're not sure where they are... and now you're off to go eat some spaghetti. Russian system You have 2 cows. You count them and discover there are 5. You count them again and discover there are 30. You count them again and discover there are 17. You give up on counting and open your 4th bottle of Vodka this morning. French system You have 2 cows. They are the most important cows in the world. Swiss system You have 500 cows, but none of them are actually yours. You make a living by looking after them for some "unknown" foreigners. Austrian system You have 2 cows in the basement, but the neighbours have never seen them. Danish system You have 2 cows in a design barn and now everybody wants that combination. Maroccan system You have 2 cows who love to (endlessly) negotiate the milk prices by themselves. Spanish system You had 2 cows, but you used that handsome EU grant to turn them into sausages and ground beef. Swedish system You sell cows cheaply, packed in a box which also contains a nice leaflet explaining how to milk them. A tiny bucket is included. Scottish system You have 2 cows, but the English refuse to recognize them as yours. They do want your milk profits though. And finally, the Wisconsin system You have 1 cow, to which you're married. __________________ 04 Nissan Sentra SpecV: Brembos, Nismo Intake/Exhaust/Short Shifter, Eibach Sportlines, ES MMI - SOLD / / / 09 Nissan 370Z Touring: Invidia Gemini Exhaust, ERZ HFC, GTM 25 Row Cooler, Z1 Tubes, and K&N Drop Ins

03-04-2010, 12:03 PM	#9 (permalink)
Chico370Z Base Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: East Bay, CA Posts: 233 Drives: 09 370Z Touring Rep Power: 16	wow, bump this to the top...anyone? __________________ 04 Nissan Sentra SpecV: Brembos, Nismo Intake/Exhaust/Short Shifter, Eibach Sportlines, ES MMI - SOLD / / / 09 Nissan 370Z Touring: Invidia Gemini Exhaust, ERZ HFC, GTM 25 Row Cooler, Z1 Tubes, and K&N Drop Ins

03-10-2010, 02:55 PM	#10 (permalink)
phelan A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: CA Age: 39 Posts: 9,513 Drives: Scoobaroo Rep Power: 3406	Because brog0 became slowg0... Ten ways to say your zipper is down: -The cucumber has left the salad -Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his beels -You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position -Paging Mr. Johnson...paging Mr. Johnson... -Elvis is leaving the building. -The Buick is not all the way in the garage. -Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction. -You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones. -Men may be from Mars...but I see something that rhymes with Venus. and top to it all off: I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts! __________________ 凛 ('Rin') - 2009 Nissan 370Z With silence comes peace. With peace comes freedom. With freedom comes silence.

03-10-2010, 03:00 PM	#11 (permalink)
phelan A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: CA Age: 39 Posts: 9,513 Drives: Scoobaroo Rep Power: 3406	A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the major. She asked, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am, just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes ma'am, a lot of action." Trying to start up a conversation, the young lady said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The sergeant major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" "1955," he replied. "Well, there you are, No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times. Afterwards, she leaned against his chest and said, "Wow you sure didn't forget much since 1955." The sergeant major said in a serious voice, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now." __________________ 凛 ('Rin') - 2009 Nissan 370Z With silence comes peace. With peace comes freedom. With freedom comes silence.

03-10-2010, 03:37 PM	#13 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	OK, br0g0 to the rescue!!! An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts. One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime. "Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's." __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

03-10-2010, 03:40 PM	#15 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." "Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" (Paul slumps back over the bar again.) "I kicked her in the face." __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan