Joke of the Day

Togo · 02-25-2010, 11:44 AM

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole?

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"

I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens balls"

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.

I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."

My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.

The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.

One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".

I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."

Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"

"No," he replied.

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.

Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ?"

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?!

We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:

"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Togo · 02-25-2010, 11:47 AM

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip....but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his Elves were sick, and the trainee Elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs Claus told Santa that her mum was coming to visit. This stressed out Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer he found that three of them were about to give birth, two had jumped over the fence and were out, heaven knows where. MORE STRESS! Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. SO, frustrated Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he opened the cupboard he found that the Elves had hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into a lot of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that the mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed as he went to answer the door. On the front step was a little Angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The Angel said "where would you like to put this tree?"

And THAT my friends, is how the little Angel came to be on top of Christmas trees!

XwChriswX · 02-25-2010, 01:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Togo

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip....but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his Elves were sick, and the trainee Elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs Claus told Santa that her mum was coming to visit. This stressed out Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer he found that three of them were about to give birth, two had jumped over the fence and were out, heaven knows where. MORE STRESS! Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. SO, frustrated Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he opened the cupboard he found that the Elves had hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into a lot of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that the mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed as he went to answer the door. On the front step was a little Angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The Angel said "where would you like to put this tree?"

And THAT my friends, is how the little Angel came to be on top of Christmas trees!

Last time I checked, the names of Santa's Reindeer were:

• Dasher
• Dancer
• Prancer
• Vixen
• Comet
• Cupid
• Donner
• Blitzen
• Rudolf

Most of which sound pretty masculine...

Togo · 02-25-2010, 11:50 AM

Cough Syrup

The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. He asks the blonde clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The blonde clerk responds, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The pharmacist yells, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"

The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough."

370zproject · 02-25-2010, 12:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Togo

Cough Syrup

The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. He asks the blonde clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The blonde clerk responds, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The pharmacist yells, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"

The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough."

Togo · 02-25-2010, 11:52 AM

This might be a repost but I can't remember..

There was a father planting a garden with his 3 year old daughter.

The daughter asks, "Daddy what kind of spider is that?"

He replies "that is a daddy long legs spider."

She says "Look there is one spider on top of another spider, what are they doing?"

Her dad says "They are making baby spiders."

She asks "Is the one on top a daddy long legs and the one on the bottom a mommy long legs?"

Her dad says "No they are both daddy long legs."

She ponders this for a moment then she stomps on the spiders and says "Well, we are NOT having that kind of shit in our garden!"

Togo · 02-25-2010, 11:53 AM

Paddy the Irishman was driving home one night and he's all over the road.

The cops pull him over and the says "Paddy you're so drunk you're weaving all over the road. You are weaving so bad your wife fell out of the car aways back."

Paddy replies "Oh praise be to God! For a minute there I thought I was goin' deaf!"

vipor · 02-25-2010, 01:55 PM

Magical reindeer like the ones Santa uses are asexual.

XwChriswX · 02-25-2010, 01:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vipor

Magical reindeer like the ones Santa uses are asexual.

Ah that must be one of those 'adults only' jokes that the kids don't get.

Togo · 02-25-2010, 02:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vipor

Magical reindeer like the ones Santa uses are asexual.

Yeah how else do you get magical reindeer! If they reproduced like normal reindeer, we'd all have them...

Plus.. the joke talks about a fictional fat man that travels the span of the world delivering toys to every household in the matter of maybe 8 hours. He flies a sled pulled by flying reindeer, one of which has an industrial strength light bulb for a nose and his toys are made by a shop of mythical elves BUT you get hung up on the masculinity of their names???

XwChriswX · 02-25-2010, 02:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Togo

Yeah how else do you get magical reindeer! If they reproduced like normal reindeer, we'd all have them...

Plus.. the joke talks about a fictional fat man that travels the span of the world delivering toys to every household in the matter of maybe 8 hours. He flies a sled pulled by flying reindeer, one of which has an industrial strength light bulb for a nose and his toys are made by a shop of mythical elves BUT you get hung up on the masculinity of their names???

LOL How else could we have an intelligent debate about a fat man fitting down chimney's?

And about that fag rudolph... He has a Red Nose. It's not like a flood light... So really, if it was Foggy, WTF good is that gonna do for Santa? Unless its a beacon to see where the front of his Reindeer are, it provides him nothing.

Togo · 02-25-2010, 02:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by XwChriswX

LOL How else could we have an intelligent debate about a fat man fitting down chimney's?

And about that fag rudolph... He has a Red Nose. It's not like a flood light... So really, if it was Foggy, WTF good is that gonna do for Santa? Unless its a beacon to see where the front of his Reindeer are, it provides him nothing.

this post mad me

hahahahah

XwChriswX · 02-25-2010, 02:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Togo

this post mad me

hahahahah

Don't you laugh! That was a serious point to me! Dealing with aircraft on a daily basis at work made me think about that. lol He's not gonna see any better with Rudolph in front...

vipor · 02-25-2010, 02:05 PM

Rudolph and the Snow Man are just on that yayo, that's why their noses are red.

XwChriswX · 02-25-2010, 02:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vipor

Rudolph and the Snow Man are just on that yayo, that's why their noses are red.

02-25-2010, 11:44 AM	#1 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did.... FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better. SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens balls" THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter. FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

02-25-2010, 11:47 AM	#2 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip....but there were problems everywhere. Four of his Elves were sick, and the trainee Elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs Claus told Santa that her mum was coming to visit. This stressed out Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer he found that three of them were about to give birth, two had jumped over the fence and were out, heaven knows where. MORE STRESS! Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. SO, frustrated Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he opened the cupboard he found that the Elves had hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into a lot of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that the mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed as he went to answer the door. On the front step was a little Angel with a great big Christmas tree. The Angel said "where would you like to put this tree?" And THAT my friends, is how the little Angel came to be on top of Christmas trees! __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

02-25-2010, 11:50 AM	#4 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	Cough Syrup The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. He asks the blonde clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The blonde clerk responds, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The pharmacist yells, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!" The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough." __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

02-25-2010, 11:52 AM	#6 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	This might be a repost but I can't remember.. There was a father planting a garden with his 3 year old daughter. The daughter asks, "Daddy what kind of spider is that?" He replies "that is a daddy long legs spider." She says "Look there is one spider on top of another spider, what are they doing?" Her dad says "They are making baby spiders." She asks "Is the one on top a daddy long legs and the one on the bottom a mommy long legs?" Her dad says "No they are both daddy long legs." She ponders this for a moment then she stomps on the spiders and says "Well, we are NOT having that kind of shit in our garden!" __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

02-25-2010, 11:53 AM	#7 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	Paddy the Irishman was driving home one night and he's all over the road. The cops pull him over and the says "Paddy you're so drunk you're weaving all over the road. You are weaving so bad your wife fell out of the car aways back." Paddy replies "Oh praise be to God! For a minute there I thought I was goin' deaf!" __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

02-25-2010, 01:55 PM	#8 (permalink)
vipor A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Euless, TX [ DFW ] Age: 42 Posts: 13,531 Drives: Nismo 09-0183 QAB Rep Power: 49	Magical reindeer like the ones Santa uses are asexual. __________________ 2009 NISMO # 0193 \| QAB \| Albums! \| 05.04.10 (Dynojet) 291.94hp/248.28tq Oil Cooler (DIY) \| Custom Headlights \| GTSPEC Braces \| F.I. Long Tube Headers

02-25-2010, 02:05 PM	#14 (permalink)
vipor A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Euless, TX [ DFW ] Age: 42 Posts: 13,531 Drives: Nismo 09-0183 QAB Rep Power: 49	Rudolph and the Snow Man are just on that yayo, that's why their noses are red. __________________ 2009 NISMO # 0193 \| QAB \| Albums! \| 05.04.10 (Dynojet) 291.94hp/248.28tq Oil Cooler (DIY) \| Custom Headlights \| GTSPEC Braces \| F.I. Long Tube Headers