Joke of the Day

Chico370Z · 02-17-2010, 10:41 AM

A U.S. Marine squad was patrolling north of Fallujah when they came
upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite
side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious
state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both
men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the
highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each
other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to
him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable lowlife, and he yelled back that
Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunk."

"So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, ugly,
mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does
Hillary Clinton!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a
truck hit us

Chico370Z · 02-17-2010, 10:43 AM

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Chico370Z · 02-17-2010, 10:45 AM

Alabama Girls

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from New York, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.

The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an Alabama girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

Gotta love them Girls.

Chico370Z · 02-17-2010, 10:48 AM

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and
begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealer-ship and saw the new
2009 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year
is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They
will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's
really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him
in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

370zproject · 02-18-2010, 01:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chico370Z

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and
begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealer-ship and saw the new
2009 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year
is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They
will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's
really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him
in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Chico370Z · 02-17-2010, 10:51 AM

Dating in '64

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1964 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. 'Have a Seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced Tea?'

'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.

'Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt Shop, maybe take a walk on the beach...'

'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him.

'Really?' Fred replied; eyebrows rose.

'Oh yes,' the mother continued. 'When she goes out with her friends, that's All they do!'

'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous. 'Yes,' said the mother. 'As a matter of Fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'

'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternate Plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture Wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a Bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

'The Twist, Mom!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. 'The freaking dance is called the Twist!

Chico370Z · 02-17-2010, 10:52 AM

alright that's prob enough for now...just wanted to give the thread that midweek bump

Mergnthwirker · 02-18-2010, 01:26 PM

Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish," she asks, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: "No, I don't think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the fucker."

Togo · 02-18-2010, 04:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mergnthwirker

Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish," she asks, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: "No, I don't think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the fucker."

I just read this joke last week.. i thought i posted it but i must not have.. it's a funny one!

theDreamer · 02-18-2010, 04:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Togo

I just read this joke last week.. i thought i posted it but i must not have.. it's a funny one!

This is not a joke, post more jokes.

Togo · 02-18-2010, 05:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by theDreamer

This is not a joke, post more jokes.

ok ok i update NOW!

phelan · 02-18-2010, 04:46 PM

hahaha i JUST read that before i dropped in here

Togo · 02-18-2010, 05:12 PM

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.

Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?” The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy.

He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack!

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for the married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, and ONE for March...etc."

Togo · 02-18-2010, 05:16 PM

This one you might not really understand if you don't ride motorcycles but I like it regardless!

Okay, I'm 25 and I've now got a 16 year old girl coming on the back of my bike for some rides. She's the daughter of a friend/co-worker and she's really really cute.

Anyways, she sits so tight into me that her boobs press into my back. I can't seem to ride much on the alert side. Sometimes under heavy braking her pelvis presses tightly into my lower back/butt. Her hands support her by reaching around me and onto the tank. When we stop at the lights, she rests her hands on my thighs, rather close to the ... err you know!

So, is it wrong to ask her ...

... "stop smacking your fuckin lid into the back of mine!"

Chico370Z · 02-19-2010, 12:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Togo

This one you might not really understand if you don't ride motorcycles but I like it regardless!

Okay, I'm 25 and I've now got a 16 year old girl coming on the back of my bike for some rides. She's the daughter of a friend/co-worker and she's really really cute.

Anyways, she sits so tight into me that her boobs press into my back. I can't seem to ride much on the alert side. Sometimes under heavy braking her pelvis presses tightly into my lower back/butt. Her hands support her by reaching around me and onto the tank. When we stop at the lights, she rests her hands on my thighs, rather close to the ... err you know!

So, is it wrong to ask her ...

... "stop smacking your fuckin lid into the back of mine!"

LOL nice!

02-17-2010, 10:41 AM	#1 (permalink)
Chico370Z Base Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: East Bay, CA Posts: 233 Drives: 09 370Z Touring Rep Power: 16	A U.S. Marine squad was patrolling north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable lowlife, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunk." "So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, ugly, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!" "And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us __________________ 04 Nissan Sentra SpecV: Brembos, Nismo Intake/Exhaust/Short Shifter, Eibach Sportlines, ES MMI - SOLD / / / 09 Nissan 370Z Touring: Invidia Gemini Exhaust, ERZ HFC, GTM 25 Row Cooler, Z1 Tubes, and K&N Drop Ins

02-17-2010, 10:43 AM	#2 (permalink)
Chico370Z Base Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: East Bay, CA Posts: 233 Drives: 09 370Z Touring Rep Power: 16	1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. 10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. __________________ 04 Nissan Sentra SpecV: Brembos, Nismo Intake/Exhaust/Short Shifter, Eibach Sportlines, ES MMI - SOLD / / / 09 Nissan 370Z Touring: Invidia Gemini Exhaust, ERZ HFC, GTM 25 Row Cooler, Z1 Tubes, and K&N Drop Ins

02-17-2010, 10:45 AM	#3 (permalink)
Chico370Z Base Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: East Bay, CA Posts: 233 Drives: 09 370Z Touring Rep Power: 16	Alabama Girls Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from New York, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done. The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married an Alabama girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Gotta love them Girls. __________________ 04 Nissan Sentra SpecV: Brembos, Nismo Intake/Exhaust/Short Shifter, Eibach Sportlines, ES MMI - SOLD / / / 09 Nissan 370Z Touring: Invidia Gemini Exhaust, ERZ HFC, GTM 25 Row Cooler, Z1 Tubes, and K&N Drop Ins

02-17-2010, 10:48 AM	#4 (permalink)
Chico370Z Base Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: East Bay, CA Posts: 233 Drives: 09 370Z Touring Rep Power: 16	THE PERFECT HUSBAND Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealer-ship and saw the new 2009 models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "$90,000" MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000" MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!" MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape. He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?" __________________ 04 Nissan Sentra SpecV: Brembos, Nismo Intake/Exhaust/Short Shifter, Eibach Sportlines, ES MMI - SOLD / / / 09 Nissan 370Z Touring: Invidia Gemini Exhaust, ERZ HFC, GTM 25 Row Cooler, Z1 Tubes, and K&N Drop Ins

02-17-2010, 10:51 AM	#6 (permalink)
Chico370Z Base Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: East Bay, CA Posts: 233 Drives: 09 370Z Touring Rep Power: 16	Dating in '64 It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1964 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell. 'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. 'Have a Seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced Tea?' 'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea. 'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked. 'Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt Shop, maybe take a walk on the beach...' 'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him. 'Really?' Fred replied; eyebrows rose. 'Oh yes,' the mother continued. 'When she goes out with her friends, that's All they do!' 'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous. 'Yes,' said the mother. 'As a matter of Fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!' 'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternate Plans for the evening. A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture Wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a Bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred. 'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left. Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her. 'The Twist, Mom!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. 'The freaking dance is called the Twist! __________________ 04 Nissan Sentra SpecV: Brembos, Nismo Intake/Exhaust/Short Shifter, Eibach Sportlines, ES MMI - SOLD / / / 09 Nissan 370Z Touring: Invidia Gemini Exhaust, ERZ HFC, GTM 25 Row Cooler, Z1 Tubes, and K&N Drop Ins

02-17-2010, 10:52 AM	#7 (permalink)
Chico370Z Base Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: East Bay, CA Posts: 233 Drives: 09 370Z Touring Rep Power: 16	alright that's prob enough for now...just wanted to give the thread that midweek bump __________________ 04 Nissan Sentra SpecV: Brembos, Nismo Intake/Exhaust/Short Shifter, Eibach Sportlines, ES MMI - SOLD / / / 09 Nissan 370Z Touring: Invidia Gemini Exhaust, ERZ HFC, GTM 25 Row Cooler, Z1 Tubes, and K&N Drop Ins

02-18-2010, 01:26 PM	#8 (permalink)
Mergnthwirker Base Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Connecticut USA Posts: 243 Drives: '09 370Z PW MT6 S Rep Power: 16	Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish," she asks, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?" Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: "No, I don't think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?" "Osama Bin Laden," she says. "Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock. "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore." Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard." "I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the fucker."

02-18-2010, 04:46 PM	#12 (permalink)
phelan A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: CA Age: 39 Posts: 9,513 Drives: Scoobaroo Rep Power: 3406	hahaha i JUST read that before i dropped in here __________________ 凛 ('Rin') - 2009 Nissan 370Z With silence comes peace. With peace comes freedom. With freedom comes silence.

02-18-2010, 05:12 PM	#13 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?” The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack! With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for the married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, and ONE for March...etc." __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

02-18-2010, 05:16 PM	#14 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	This one you might not really understand if you don't ride motorcycles but I like it regardless! Okay, I'm 25 and I've now got a 16 year old girl coming on the back of my bike for some rides. She's the daughter of a friend/co-worker and she's really really cute. Anyways, she sits so tight into me that her boobs press into my back. I can't seem to ride much on the alert side. Sometimes under heavy braking her pelvis presses tightly into my lower back/butt. Her hands support her by reaching around me and onto the tank. When we stop at the lights, she rests her hands on my thighs, rather close to the ... err you know! So, is it wrong to ask her ... ... "stop smacking your fuckin lid into the back of mine!" __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

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