Joke of the Day

simota1 · 02-05-2010, 09:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sibze

Just try reading this without laughing until you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun - a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary, and I was looking
for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was
a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were
supposed to be short-lived, with no long-term adverse effect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I
pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same
time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between
the prongs.
AWESOME!!! (Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that
burn spot is on the face of her microwave.)

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat
in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul)
while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to
try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I
thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
better of it...she is such a sweet cat. If I was going to give this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really and (loaded with
two itsybitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "No possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as if to say, "Don't do it, 'dipsh*t,'" reasoning that a one-second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD...WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION...WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making
meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame
hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting
slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A
three-second burst would be considered conservative. IT HURT LIKE
HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from
where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,
and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my
sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which
I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm
offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S. My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift,
and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!

XwChriswX · 02-08-2010, 01:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sibze

Just try reading this without laughing until you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun - a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary, and I was looking
for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was
a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were
supposed to be short-lived, with no long-term adverse effect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I
pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same
time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between
the prongs.
AWESOME!!! (Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that
burn spot is on the face of her microwave.)

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat
in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul)
while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to
try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I
thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
better of it...she is such a sweet cat. If I was going to give this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really and (loaded with
two itsybitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "No possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as if to say, "Don't do it, 'dipsh*t,'" reasoning that a one-second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD...WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION...WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making
meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame
hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting
slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A
three-second burst would be considered conservative. IT HURT LIKE
HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from
where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,
and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my
sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which
I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm
offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S. My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift,
and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!

OMG That is the funniest fukin thing I've ever read... LOL

SigPapa226 · 02-05-2010, 07:15 AM

Awesome!!!!!!!!!!

Chico370Z · 02-05-2010, 10:50 AM

lol nice

protoZ · 02-06-2010, 09:37 PM

Funny ass shit

Sibze · 02-07-2010, 11:49 PM

I bet ya its not even a joke... I can see someone doing that!

Togo · 02-11-2010, 06:08 PM

A woman storms into a pet shop demanding her money back from the owner. “You sold me this frog and told me it would be able to satisfy all my sexual desires!”

The clerk tries to calm her down and asks, “Did you do what I told you to do?”

“Yes, dammit! I got naked, lay back on my bed, and put him between my legs just like you said, and he did nothing!” she shouts.

The owner, looking confused, replies, “It’s a perfectly trained frog. I can’t understand what’s wrong.”

He takes the woman and the frog to a back room in the shop, where he places the frog on a small table next to a bed and asks the woman to please lie down and remove her panties.

“What?” she shouts.

Turning to the frog, he says, “Now watch carefully, because this is the last time I’m showing you this!”

Togo · 02-11-2010, 06:11 PM

Two couples were playing cards one evening. One of the husbands, Jerry, accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Ray's wife Shaniqua, had her legs spread wide, and she wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jerry, upon trying to sit up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jerry went into the kitchen to get some refreshments. Shaniqua followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under the table?"

Surprised by her boldness, Jerry courageously admitted that, well, yes, he did. She said, "You can have it, but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jerry indicated that he was indeed interested.

She told him that since her husband, Ray, works Friday afternoons and Jerry doesn't, that Jerry should be at her house around 2:00 PM, Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolls around, Jerry shows up at Ray's house for sex with Ray's wife at 2:00 PM sharp, and after paying her the agreed upon $500.00, they go to her bedroom and have fantastic sex, just as Shaniqua had promised. Afterwards, Jerry quickly dresses and leaves.

As was his habit at 6:00 PM, Ray returned home from work. Upon entering the house and encountering his wife, he asked loudly, "Did Jerry come by with my money?"

With a lump in her throat, Ray's wife answered, "Oh yeah, he did stop by here for a few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when Ray curtly asked, "And did he give you $500.00?"

In terror she assumed she'd somehow been found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, she replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me five hundred dollars."

Ray, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised Shaniqua by saying, "Good, I was hoping so. Jerry came by my office this morning and borrowed five hundred dollars from me. He promised me he'd stop by this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Togo · 02-11-2010, 06:13 PM

The Italian says: "I rub my wife with oil all over her body and before I'm through she screams for 5 minutes!"

The Frenchman says: "I rub my wife all over her body with butter and before I'm through she screams for half an hour!"

The Jew says: "I rub my wife all over with chicken fat and before I'm through she screams for 6 hours!"

"Six hours!" they ask. " How is that possible?"

"The secret is to wipe your hands on the drapes when you're through."

Togo · 02-11-2010, 06:15 PM

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your dick is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."

phelan · 02-11-2010, 06:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Togo

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your dick is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."

ewwww but

Togo · 02-11-2010, 06:17 PM

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.

As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"

She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"

Togo · 02-11-2010, 06:18 PM

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

Togo · 02-11-2010, 06:24 PM

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a police officer, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde,stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but......" He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

Togo · 02-11-2010, 06:26 PM

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

02-05-2010, 07:15 AM	#3 (permalink)
SigPapa226 Base Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Virginia Posts: 205 Drives: 300 ZXTT, 370 ZR Rep Power: 16	Awesome!!!!!!!!!! __________________ Black 300ZX TT Stock + Megan CBE; Black Cherry 370Z Roadster, 6MT, Touring, Sport, Nav., 3-way Fog Light (Running, brake & flashing backup), Triple Tone Air Horns.

02-05-2010, 10:50 AM	#4 (permalink)
Chico370Z Base Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: East Bay, CA Posts: 233 Drives: 09 370Z Touring Rep Power: 16	lol nice __________________ 04 Nissan Sentra SpecV: Brembos, Nismo Intake/Exhaust/Short Shifter, Eibach Sportlines, ES MMI - SOLD / / / 09 Nissan 370Z Touring: Invidia Gemini Exhaust, ERZ HFC, GTM 25 Row Cooler, Z1 Tubes, and K&N Drop Ins

02-11-2010, 06:08 PM	#7 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	A woman storms into a pet shop demanding her money back from the owner. “You sold me this frog and told me it would be able to satisfy all my sexual desires!” The clerk tries to calm her down and asks, “Did you do what I told you to do?” “Yes, dammit! I got naked, lay back on my bed, and put him between my legs just like you said, and he did nothing!” she shouts. The owner, looking confused, replies, “It’s a perfectly trained frog. I can’t understand what’s wrong.” He takes the woman and the frog to a back room in the shop, where he places the frog on a small table next to a bed and asks the woman to please lie down and remove her panties. “What?” she shouts. Turning to the frog, he says, “Now watch carefully, because this is the last time I’m showing you this!” __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

02-11-2010, 06:11 PM	#8 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	Two couples were playing cards one evening. One of the husbands, Jerry, accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Ray's wife Shaniqua, had her legs spread wide, and she wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jerry, upon trying to sit up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, Jerry went into the kitchen to get some refreshments. Shaniqua followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under the table?" Surprised by her boldness, Jerry courageously admitted that, well, yes, he did. She said, "You can have it, but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jerry indicated that he was indeed interested. She told him that since her husband, Ray, works Friday afternoons and Jerry doesn't, that Jerry should be at her house around 2:00 PM, Friday afternoon. When Friday rolls around, Jerry shows up at Ray's house for sex with Ray's wife at 2:00 PM sharp, and after paying her the agreed upon $500.00, they go to her bedroom and have fantastic sex, just as Shaniqua had promised. Afterwards, Jerry quickly dresses and leaves. As was his habit at 6:00 PM, Ray returned home from work. Upon entering the house and encountering his wife, he asked loudly, "Did Jerry come by with my money?" With a lump in her throat, Ray's wife answered, "Oh yeah, he did stop by here for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when Ray curtly asked, "And did he give you $500.00?" In terror she assumed she'd somehow been found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, she replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me five hundred dollars." Ray, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised Shaniqua by saying, "Good, I was hoping so. Jerry came by my office this morning and borrowed five hundred dollars from me. He promised me he'd stop by this afternoon on his way home and pay me back." __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

02-11-2010, 06:13 PM	#9 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	The Italian says: "I rub my wife with oil all over her body and before I'm through she screams for 5 minutes!" The Frenchman says: "I rub my wife all over her body with butter and before I'm through she screams for half an hour!" The Jew says: "I rub my wife all over with chicken fat and before I'm through she screams for 6 hours!" "Six hours!" they ask. " How is that possible?" "The secret is to wipe your hands on the drapes when you're through." __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

02-06-2010, 09:37 PM	#5 (permalink)
protoZ Base Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: war town, GA Posts: 228 Drives: the car im tradin in Rep Power: 16	Funny ass shit

02-07-2010, 11:49 PM	#6 (permalink)
Sibze A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 16,202 Drives: In your way Rep Power: 63	I bet ya its not even a joke... I can see someone doing that!

02-11-2010, 06:15 PM	#10 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing? Your dick is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea." __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

02-11-2010, 06:17 PM	#12 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree. As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt." She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!" She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!" __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

02-11-2010, 06:18 PM	#13 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa." The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked. The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma." The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack. Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy." Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!" __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

02-11-2010, 06:24 PM	#14 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?" The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a police officer, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?" The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!" The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde,stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?" "Yes! He only has one ear!" The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!" The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but......" He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?" The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses." The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?" The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses." __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

02-11-2010, 06:26 PM	#15 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon. "Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked. "Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?" So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?" "No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep. When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?" "No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand." __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

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