Joke of the Day

Togo

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish = 49
Adventurous = Slept with everyone
Athletic = No tits
Average looking = Ugly
Beautiful = Pathological liar
Contagious smile = Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure = On medication
Feminist = Fat
Free spirit = Junkie
Friendship first = Former slut
Fun = Annoying
New-Age = Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned = No BJs
Open-minded = Desperate
Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate = Sloppy drunk
Professional = Bitch
Voluptuous = Very Fat
Large frame = Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate = Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You had better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now!
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you!
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you!
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you!
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you!
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

__________________
This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan.

Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

Togo

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password.. Something he will use to log on.


The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to

bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in



P...



E...



N. . .



I...



S...



His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:



***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH

__________________
This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan.

Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

Togo

A minister decided that a visual demonstration that would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was setting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

__________________
This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan.

Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

Togo

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush, but when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are! you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

__________________
This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan.

Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

XwChriswX

Hate to say it buddy, but you've already posted this one.

__________________

Bonnie - Stage 2, Audio build coming this fall!
R.I.P. Abby 3/29/10 - 3/30/14

Togo

Lol did i really? oh well, i'll have to make up for that mistake

__________________
This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan.

Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

XwChriswX

Ooooh... I like The Outback

__________________

Bonnie - Stage 2, Audio build coming this fall!
R.I.P. Abby 3/29/10 - 3/30/14

Chico370Z

Nice Togo +rep again...

__________________
04 Nissan Sentra SpecV: Brembos, Nismo Intake/Exhaust/Short Shifter, Eibach Sportlines, ES MMI - SOLD / / / 09 Nissan 370Z Touring: Invidia Gemini Exhaust, ERZ HFC, GTM 25 Row Cooler, Z1 Tubes, and K&N Drop Ins

Chico370Z

bump 4 monday

__________________
04 Nissan Sentra SpecV: Brembos, Nismo Intake/Exhaust/Short Shifter, Eibach Sportlines, ES MMI - SOLD / / / 09 Nissan 370Z Touring: Invidia Gemini Exhaust, ERZ HFC, GTM 25 Row Cooler, Z1 Tubes, and K&N Drop Ins

XBadgerX

A guy walks into the bar and notices a jar of money on the counter filled with $10 bills. The Guy ask's the bartender, "what is up with the jar?"

Bartender: You can win the jar full of money if you complete 3 tasks, but it is going to cost you $10.

Guy: Ok what are the tasks?

Bartender: "Money First, then I will tell you" (So the guy figures he really doesn't mind losing the $10 and figures it would be worth a shot to try maybe)

"First task: You have to drink a 1/4 of tequila without making a smirk

Second task: You then have to go out back, where there is a Pitbull tied up to a post w/ a sore tooth. You must remove said tooth from the Pitbull.

Third task: After you remove the tooth, you then have to go upstairs and have sex with the 90 year old lady who will be waiting for you."

Guy: "Screw that" The guy walks away...Later in the night, the guy is completley trashed and goes up to the bartender

Guy: "Gimme that Tequila." The guy downs the whole bottle without a smirk
Guy: "Where is the DOG!?" Bartender points at the door that leads to the back. At this point the customers in the bar are quite interested to see if the man is going to be able to complete the tasks. They hear Barking, Yelling, Screaming, Growling, and moaning..
the guy walks back into the bar scratched up and bleeding..
"Alright, where is the old lady with the sore tooth?"

Mergnthwirker

A man walks into a bar....

A rather ugly man walks into a bar with a big grin on his face, and orders a draft beer.

What are you so happy about?', asks the Bartender.

'Well, I'll tell you,' replies the ugly man. 'As you know, I live by the
railroad tracks. On my way home from the bar, last night, I noticed a young woman, with a fantastic body, tied to the tracks, just like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free, and took her back to my place.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything: me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!'

'Fantastic, you lucky bastard!', exclaimed the Bartender. Was she pretty?'

'I Don't know. I Never found the head."

vipor

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2009 NISMO # 0193 | QAB | Albums! | 05.04.10 (Dynojet) 291.94hp/248.28tq
Oil Cooler (DIY) | Custom Headlights | GTSPEC Braces | F.I. Long Tube Headers

SigPapa226

TWFWFSFS

__________________
Black 300ZX TT Stock + Megan CBE; Black Cherry 370Z Roadster, 6MT, Touring, Sport, Nav., 3-way Fog Light (Running, brake & flashing backup), Triple Tone Air Horns.

phelan

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School, usually sleeping through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping. "Tell me, Mary, who created the Universe?"

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary. The teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.

A while later, the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?", but Mary was still asleep. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue, and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary. The teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. Mary shouted:

"If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

__________________

凛 ('Rin') - 2009 Nissan 370Z
With silence comes peace. With peace comes freedom. With freedom comes silence.

Sibze

Just try reading this without laughing until you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun - a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary, and I was looking
for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was
a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were
supposed to be short-lived, with no long-term adverse effect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I
pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same
time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between
the prongs.
AWESOME!!! (Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that
burn spot is on the face of her microwave.)

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat
in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul)
while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to
try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I
thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
better of it...she is such a sweet cat. If I was going to give this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really and (loaded with
two itsybitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "No possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as if to say, "Don't do it, 'dipsh*t,'" reasoning that a one-second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD...WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION...WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making
meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame
hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting
slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A
three-second burst would be considered conservative. IT HURT LIKE
HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from
where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,
and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my
sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which
I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm
offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S. My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift,
and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!