Joke of the Day

Togo · 12-16-2009, 06:27 PM

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, who obviously knows nothing about golf and completely unaware of Tiger's identity, greets him in a typical Irish manner.

"Top of the mornin' to ya, sir," says the attendant.

Tiger, who is familiar with Irish custom, responds with, "And the rest of the day to you!" He gives a quick nod and bends forward to pick up the nozzle of the gasoline hose. As he does, two golf tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"And what on the good earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.

"Feckin Jaysus," says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything!"

Togo · 12-16-2009, 06:30 PM

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a resounding noise came form outside...

The woman, sort of bewildered, jumps up from the bed and yells at the man " Shit, that must be my husband!

So the guy quickly got out of bed , scared, and naked. He jumped out the window like a crazy man, smashed himself on the ground, went through a thorn bush, then he stood up and started to run fast to his car.

Just a few minutes later he returns and tells the woman "I'm your husband, you slut!"

So the woman answers "Oh, yeah?! And why were you fuckin running you son of a bitch!"

Togo · 12-16-2009, 06:33 PM

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

vipor · 12-16-2009, 06:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Togo

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

frost · 12-16-2009, 08:10 PM

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker; “How much do you charge?”

“It starts at $500 for a hand-job,” replies the hooker.

“$500 dollars? For a hand-job?” says the guy “No hand-job is worth that kind of money!”

So the hooker says, “Do you see that Denny’s on the corner?”

“Yes.”

“Do you see the Denny’s about a block further down?”

“Yes.”

“And beyond that, do you see that third Denny’s?”

“Yes.”

“Well,” says the hooker, smiling invitingly, “I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that’s worth $500.”

The guy thinks to himself, “What the hell? You only live once. I’ll give it a try.” and accepts the hooker’s offer. They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realising that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, “I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?”

“$1,500″ says the hooker

“I wouldn’t pay that for a blow-job!” he says

The hooker replies, “Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that’s worth every cent of $1,500.”

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, “OK Sign me up.”

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it, but he feels he truly got his money’s worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, “How much for some pussy?”

The hooker says, “Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?”

"Are you going to tell me you own all that?!?!" says the man.

“Nope,” says the hooker, “but I would if I had a pussy.”

protoZ · 12-16-2009, 08:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by frost

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker; “How much do you charge?”

“It starts at $500 for a hand-job,” replies the hooker.

“$500 dollars? For a hand-job?” says the guy “No hand-job is worth that kind of money!”

So the hooker says, “Do you see that Denny’s on the corner?”

“Yes.”

“Do you see the Denny’s about a block further down?”

“Yes.”

“And beyond that, do you see that third Denny’s?”

“Yes.”

“Well,” says the hooker, smiling invitingly, “I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that’s worth $500.”

The guy thinks to himself, “What the hell? You only live once. I’ll give it a try.” and accepts the hooker’s offer. They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realising that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, “I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?”

“$1,500″ says the hooker

“I wouldn’t pay that for a blow-job!” he says

The hooker replies, “Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that’s worth every cent of $1,500.”

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, “OK Sign me up.”

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it, but he feels he truly got his money’s worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, “How much for some pussy?”

The hooker says, “Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?”

"Are you going to tell me you own all that?!?!" says the man.

“Nope,” says the hooker, “but I would if I had a pussy.”

Togo · 12-16-2009, 08:22 PM

hhaa frost once we got to the BJ i suspected thats where this was going!

frost · 12-16-2009, 08:28 PM

A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table alone.

He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her -- knowing that if she accepts it, she will be his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman.

She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note to the man.

The note reads: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million in the bank, and 8 inches in your trousers."

Well, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her.

It reads: "Just so you know - I have a Mercedes AND a BMW, and over TEN million in the bank. But not even for YOU, sweet-heart, would I cut 2 inches off my ****. So send back the bottle."

vipor · 12-17-2009, 08:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by frost

A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table alone.

He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her -- knowing that if she accepts it, she will be his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman.

She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note to the man.

The note reads: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million in the bank, and 8 inches in your trousers."

Well, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her.

It reads: "Just so you know - I have a Mercedes AND a BMW, and over TEN million in the bank. But not even for YOU, sweet-heart, would I cut 2 inches off my ****. So send back the bottle."

rofls

Togo · 12-16-2009, 08:31 PM

haha Frost

Togo · 12-16-2009, 08:31 PM

but fuckin bitches!

Togo · 12-17-2009, 07:58 PM

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, giving them the rules of campus.

"The female dorm will be out-of-bounds for all male students, as will the male dorm for female students. Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 for the first offence, $60 for the second offense, and $180 if you're caught a third time."

A male student in the crowd yelled out, "How much for a season pass?"

Togo · 12-17-2009, 07:59 PM

A shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively. "Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO, I WON'T SLEEP WITH YOU TONIGHT!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a journalist and I've got an assignment to study how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN $200?"

Togo · 12-17-2009, 08:00 PM

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

Togo · 12-17-2009, 08:10 PM

Oh and thanks Phelan, Vipor, Steve, and anonymous repper for the

Reps!

12-16-2009, 06:27 PM	#1 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, who obviously knows nothing about golf and completely unaware of Tiger's identity, greets him in a typical Irish manner. "Top of the mornin' to ya, sir," says the attendant. Tiger, who is familiar with Irish custom, responds with, "And the rest of the day to you!" He gives a quick nod and bends forward to pick up the nozzle of the gasoline hose. As he does, two golf tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are those?" asks the attendant. "They're called tees," replies Tiger. "And what on the good earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger. "Feckin Jaysus," says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything!" __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

12-16-2009, 06:30 PM	#2 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a resounding noise came form outside... The woman, sort of bewildered, jumps up from the bed and yells at the man " Shit, that must be my husband! So the guy quickly got out of bed , scared, and naked. He jumped out the window like a crazy man, smashed himself on the ground, went through a thorn bush, then he stood up and started to run fast to his car. Just a few minutes later he returns and tells the woman "I'm your husband, you slut!" So the woman answers "Oh, yeah?! And why were you fuckin running you son of a bitch!" __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

12-16-2009, 06:33 PM	#3 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen." __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

12-16-2009, 08:22 PM	#7 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	hhaa frost once we got to the BJ i suspected thats where this was going! __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

12-16-2009, 08:31 PM	#10 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	haha Frost __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

12-16-2009, 08:10 PM	#5 (permalink)
frost Retired admin Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Winterfell Posts: 106,613 Drives: Your Wife Crazy Rep Power: 0	A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker; “How much do you charge?” “It starts at $500 for a hand-job,” replies the hooker. “$500 dollars? For a hand-job?” says the guy “No hand-job is worth that kind of money!” So the hooker says, “Do you see that Denny’s on the corner?” “Yes.” “Do you see the Denny’s about a block further down?” “Yes.” “And beyond that, do you see that third Denny’s?” “Yes.” “Well,” says the hooker, smiling invitingly, “I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that’s worth $500.” The guy thinks to himself, “What the hell? You only live once. I’ll give it a try.” and accepts the hooker’s offer. They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realising that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, “I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?” “$1,500″ says the hooker “I wouldn’t pay that for a blow-job!” he says The hooker replies, “Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that’s worth every cent of $1,500.” The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, “OK Sign me up.” Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it, but he feels he truly got his money’s worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, “How much for some pussy?” The hooker says, “Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?” "Are you going to tell me you own all that?!?!" says the man. “Nope,” says the hooker, “but I would if I had a pussy.”

12-16-2009, 08:28 PM	#8 (permalink)
frost Retired admin Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Winterfell Posts: 106,613 Drives: Your Wife Crazy Rep Power: 0	A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her -- knowing that if she accepts it, she will be his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note to the man. The note reads: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million in the bank, and 8 inches in your trousers." Well, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her. It reads: "Just so you know - I have a Mercedes AND a BMW, and over TEN million in the bank. But not even for YOU, sweet-heart, would I cut 2 inches off my ****. So send back the bottle."

12-16-2009, 08:31 PM	#11 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	but fuckin bitches! __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

12-17-2009, 07:58 PM	#12 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, giving them the rules of campus. "The female dorm will be out-of-bounds for all male students, as will the male dorm for female students. Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 for the first offence, $60 for the second offense, and $180 if you're caught a third time." A male student in the crowd yelled out, "How much for a season pass?" __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

12-17-2009, 07:59 PM	#13 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	A shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively. "Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO, I WON'T SLEEP WITH YOU TONIGHT!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a journalist and I've got an assignment to study how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN $200?" __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

12-17-2009, 08:00 PM	#14 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them. Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head." __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

12-17-2009, 08:10 PM	#15 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	Oh and thanks Phelan, Vipor, Steve, and anonymous repper for the Reps! __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

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