Joke of the Day

Togo · 12-09-2009, 05:50 PM

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No" she answered.

I said, "Is that your final answer?"

"Yes," she replied.

I said, "I'd like to phone a friend." That's the last thing I remember.

Togo · 12-09-2009, 05:52 PM

A fiftyish woman was at home, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watched her for a while and then he asked, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What is the matter with you?"

The woman continued to bounce on the bed and said, "I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

The husband said, "What did he say about your 55 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

Togo · 12-09-2009, 05:54 PM

I recently picked a new primary care doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a fuck?"

vipor · 12-09-2009, 06:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Togo

I recently picked a new primary care doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a fuck?"

Togo · 12-14-2009, 08:17 PM

The economy is so bad....

1.That I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

2. I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

3. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

4. If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

5. Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

6. McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

7. Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

8. A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

9. Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

10. Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

11. The Mafia is laying off judges.

12. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

13. Congress says they are now looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal.

Togo · 12-15-2009, 01:56 PM

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

"What size?" asks the clerk?

"Gee, I don't know."

"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.

A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.

"What size?" The kid embarrassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"

Togo · 12-15-2009, 02:07 PM

A mute man goes to the pharmacy to buy some condoms. After looking around a bit he can't find them so he goes up to the counter. The Pharmacist asks what he needs and the man tells him in sign language.

The Pharmacist says he doesn't understand so the mute tries to show him using hand gestures. The Pharmacist says tells him the bathroom is to the left.

Finally the man gets pissed pulls out ten bucks and slaps it on the counter. Then he pulls out his penis and slaps it on the counter and points to it and the money.

The Pharmacist says "Oh, now I understand." He whips out ten bucks and his penis and slaps both on the counter. Then he picks up all the money and puts his penis away.

The mute man starts waving his arms and going wild. The Pharmacist says "Hey, if you don't want to lose then don't bet."

phelan · 12-15-2009, 02:07 PM

lol

lmao @ bet too hahahahah

Togo · 12-15-2009, 02:07 PM

haha I know how you like when I update in here Phelan!

phelan · 12-15-2009, 02:08 PM

always do

Togo · 12-15-2009, 02:19 PM

After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip up to my room?"

When the pair returned an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where ah come from in Al'bama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."

370Zsteve · 12-16-2009, 08:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Togo

After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip up to my room?"

When the pair returned an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where ah come from in Al'bama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."

Best joke I've read in months +1

TX_370 · 12-15-2009, 02:26 PM

^^ WOW!!

frost · 12-15-2009, 08:46 PM

LOS ANGELES MATH TEST

City of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Exam
Name:_____________________
Gang:_____________________

1. Duane has an AK47 with a 30 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive by shooting, how many drive by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?

2. If Joe has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?

3. Rufus is pimping for 3 girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit?

4. Jerome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of Heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?

5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy and $100 for a 4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's will he have to steal to make $800?

6. Richard is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will he have left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money?

7. If the average spray paint can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?

8. Peter knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?

Togo · 12-16-2009, 04:08 PM

12-09-2009, 05:50 PM	#1 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No" she answered. I said, "Is that your final answer?" "Yes," she replied. I said, "I'd like to phone a friend." That's the last thing I remember. __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

12-09-2009, 05:52 PM	#2 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	A fiftyish woman was at home, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watched her for a while and then he asked, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What is the matter with you?" The woman continued to bounce on the bed and said, "I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that I have the breasts of an 18 year-old." The husband said, "What did he say about your 55 year old ass?" "Your name never came up," she replied. __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

12-09-2009, 05:54 PM	#3 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said. He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things." He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a fuck?" __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

12-14-2009, 08:17 PM	#5 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	The economy is so bad.... 1.That I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. 2. I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?" 3. CEO's are now playing miniature golf. 4. If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them. 5. Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM. 6. McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer. 7. Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names. 8. A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico. 9. Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting. 10. Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore. 11. The Mafia is laying off judges. 12. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. 13. Congress says they are now looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan Last edited by Togo; 12-14-2009 at 08:22 PM.

12-15-2009, 01:56 PM	#6 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. "What size?" asks the clerk? "Gee, I don't know." "Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly. Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves. A high school kid comes in to buy condoms. "What size?" The kid embarrassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!" __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

12-15-2009, 02:07 PM	#7 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	A mute man goes to the pharmacy to buy some condoms. After looking around a bit he can't find them so he goes up to the counter. The Pharmacist asks what he needs and the man tells him in sign language. The Pharmacist says he doesn't understand so the mute tries to show him using hand gestures. The Pharmacist says tells him the bathroom is to the left. Finally the man gets pissed pulls out ten bucks and slaps it on the counter. Then he pulls out his penis and slaps it on the counter and points to it and the money. The Pharmacist says "Oh, now I understand." He whips out ten bucks and his penis and slaps both on the counter. Then he picks up all the money and puts his penis away. The mute man starts waving his arms and going wild. The Pharmacist says "Hey, if you don't want to lose then don't bet." __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

12-15-2009, 02:07 PM	#8 (permalink)
phelan A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: CA Age: 39 Posts: 9,513 Drives: Scoobaroo Rep Power: 3406	lol lmao @ bet too hahahahah __________________ 凛 ('Rin') - 2009 Nissan 370Z With silence comes peace. With peace comes freedom. With freedom comes silence.

12-15-2009, 02:07 PM	#9 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	haha I know how you like when I update in here Phelan! __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

12-15-2009, 02:08 PM	#10 (permalink)
phelan A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: CA Age: 39 Posts: 9,513 Drives: Scoobaroo Rep Power: 3406	always do __________________ 凛 ('Rin') - 2009 Nissan 370Z With silence comes peace. With peace comes freedom. With freedom comes silence.

12-15-2009, 02:19 PM	#11 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?" "Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip up to my room?" When the pair returned an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?" "Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where ah come from in Al'bama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink." __________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

12-15-2009, 02:26 PM	#13 (permalink)
TX_370 A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Texas Posts: 5,389 Drives: American Rep Power: 28	^^ WOW!! __________________ 2009 PW Nissan 370Z with Sports Package

12-15-2009, 08:46 PM	#14 (permalink)
frost Retired admin Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Winterfell Posts: 106,613 Drives: Your Wife Crazy Rep Power: 0	LOS ANGELES MATH TEST City of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Exam Name:_____________________ Gang:_____________________ 1. Duane has an AK47 with a 30 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive by shooting, how many drive by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload? 2. If Joe has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it? 3. Rufus is pimping for 3 girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit? 4. Jerome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of Heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need? 5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy and $100 for a 4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's will he have to steal to make $800? 6. Richard is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will he have left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money? 7. If the average spray paint can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint? 8. Peter knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?

12-16-2009, 04:08 PM	#15 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	__________________ This will decimate all after you put about fifteen grand in it or more, and if we have to, overnight parts from Japan. Joe Clem and Koeppel Nissan

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