lol wow...anyone got some new ones...it's been a while

OK here's a Thanksgiving joke I heard last week:

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York two days before Thanksgiving and says, ' I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of this misery is enough.

' Pop, what are you talking about?!!? ', the son screams.

We can't stand the sight of each other any longer, ' the father says.
'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her. '

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. ' Like heck they're getting divorced, ' she shouts, ' I'll take care of this, '

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, ' You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME? ' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way'.

Hahahahaha!!!!

:owned:

:rofl2: WOW!

whats the difference between a pig and fox?

ohhh bout 6 beers...


ohhhhhhh burnnnnn.

LoL 10 - 4 haha

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No" she answered.

I said, "Is that your final answer?"

"Yes," she replied.

I said, "I'd like to phone a friend." That's the last thing I remember.

A fiftyish woman was at home, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watched her for a while and then he asked, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What is the matter with you?"

The woman continued to bounce on the bed and said, "I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

The husband said, "What did he say about your 55 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."


He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a fuck?"

:icon18:

The economy is so bad....



1.That I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

2. I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

3. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

4. If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

5. Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

6. McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

7. Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

8. A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

9. Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

10. Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

11. The Mafia is laying off judges.

12. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

13. Congress says they are now looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal.

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

"What size?" asks the clerk?

"Gee, I don't know."

"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.

A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.

"What size?" The kid embarrassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"

A mute man goes to the pharmacy to buy some condoms. After looking around a bit he can't find them so he goes up to the counter. The Pharmacist asks what he needs and the man tells him in sign language.

The Pharmacist says he doesn't understand so the mute tries to show him using hand gestures. The Pharmacist says tells him the bathroom is to the left.

Finally the man gets pissed pulls out ten bucks and slaps it on the counter. Then he pulls out his penis and slaps it on the counter and points to it and the money.

The Pharmacist says "Oh, now I understand." He whips out ten bucks and his penis and slaps both on the counter. Then he picks up all the money and puts his penis away.

The mute man starts waving his arms and going wild. The Pharmacist says "Hey, if you don't want to lose then don't bet."

:wtf2: lol

lmao @ bet too hahahahah