Joke of the Day

Togo · 09-08-2009, 09:29 PM

How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

10. One to hold the bulb in place and 9 to drink until the room spins.

Togo · 09-08-2009, 09:30 PM

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?

He buys two cases of beer.

Togo · 09-08-2009, 09:30 PM

What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?

They both wiggle when you eat them.

Togo · 09-08-2009, 09:31 PM

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man," said his partner, "you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

Togo · 09-08-2009, 09:31 PM

When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'

They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

XwChriswX · 09-09-2009, 03:20 PM

Yes!

XwChriswX · 09-09-2009, 03:35 PM

(613): she was blowing me and i farted, she gave me a high five and kept going.

(740): I would plow her like an amish guy supporting his family

(330): "why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonald's?"... sent: "you tried to order a margarita mcflurry and when they said they didn't make those you tried to call 911."

(831): I just had a conversation with my cat in the shower about pancakes. We both like them a lot.

(508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation? ... (rec'd): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

(702): I just woke up naked and covered in skittles. Best night ever?

(303): (sent): DUDE! MY MOM GOT TAKEN BY ALIENS! (rec'd): lol wtf? (sent): don't LOL. its 3am and shes not home. this has NEVER happened! (rec'd): its cool i just got a txt from them saying she'll be home tmro. (sent): UR A F*CKIN LIAR! they cant speak english dumbass! (rec'd): iPhone translation. there's an app for that.

(215): I got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section.

(401): I just woke up in a tent with this girl, sat there for 15 minutes trying to remember her name, when she woke up she said "Hi, I'm ashley." I think I'm in love!

(330): Sent last night: "I'm textn and bang'n your sister right now, how many points do I get?" Recv'd back: "you ************"... Replied: "She's next."

(954): you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

(570): Hey baby, wanna come to myspace and twitter my yahoo 'til i google all over your facebook?

(608): She said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

(303): Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.

(604): you were about to get laid, but on your way to the bedroom you saw a Burger King paper crown. you ditched the girl and pranced around my house yelling "I AM FOOFY, KING OF THE SEALS!"

(919): I just punched a cop in the face while dancing in a parking lot, its ok, it was my stepdad and he bought me more beer cause he said he didn't want to ruin "what looked like a good night"

(970): I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

(732): You sent me 45 texts saying "meow".

(937): Had sex with a girl and when I was about to cum... I pulled out and shoved it in her mouth... she said...how did you know I liked that... keeper???

(330):"which is correct, seven and five IS thirteen, or seven and five ARE thirteen?" sent:"Neither, because it's twelve."

(337): She told me that for my birthday, she would get the word "HARDER" tattooed on her lower back. I love this girl.

(303): I was wondering why the cops were making such a big deal then I realized I was naked

(864): weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.

(316): omg bring my wallet when you come get me tonight. i'm buying a ******* giraffe.

(781): I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

(630): Received: "Who did I **** last night, cuz my bed smells like her perfume. She smells niceeeeee." Sent: "Im still here, just in the living room playing Xbox360. you smell good too."

(703): (recieved) I wish I was a penguin. (sent) Why? (recieved) because then I would look like I'm wearing a tuxedo 100% of the time, and that's classy.

(818): she started singing "eye of the tiger" mid-****...

(248): Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge ****, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?

(402): This is NO TIME for pants!

(770): I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti.

(304): my dad just found tit marks on my winshield LOL

(775): Received last night: "before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal."

(970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar. (rec'd): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

(303): i found you in the kitchen naked, eating ice cream and ramen, and rapping about beaing on a boat.

(732): Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...

(352): I just did a guy and his brother. Then gave me a bottle of captain and a key to their house. Victory?

(754): I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"

(607): (sent) Can you cum for me in a cup, my boyfriend just came on my tits and in my hair, I want to get him back (rec'd) DUDE, i'm his best friend, you know how sick that is? (sent) please? (rec'd) come give me a blow job and you can keep what you get out of me. (sent) deal on my way. (rec'd) got a boner already

(401): This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

(330): First off: I'm drunk so **** you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: **** 3 Doors Down

(330): Holy **** there are a ton of zombies coming for me. Meet me at taco bell to plan a revenge asap.

(330): Is it just me or do most whores also suffer from narcolepsy?

(330): i was preparing myself to do the alphabet backwards but they didnt make me do it.

(330): dude you missed out last night man, i was soooo hammered but i nailed the hottest bitch ever in the middle of jakes living room while everyone was playing kings (sent): tom said you smoked laced **** and drank the rest of that bottle of tequila and when everyone was plying you got on the table and started jacking off. LOL (recv'd): dude no i would remember that you **** (sent): tom sent me the video..

Togo · 09-12-2009, 04:18 PM

^hahha that was a good read!

Togo · 09-12-2009, 04:26 PM

Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25
years ago, We had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and
watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with
a hot 25 year old blond.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but
I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not
holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot
25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be
living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa
bed....

Togo · 09-12-2009, 04:30 PM

A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.

Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?

Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?

Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.

Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?

Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?

Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.

Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.

Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.

Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

Togo · 09-12-2009, 04:30 PM

^ I thought about changing it to a 370 driver but i'm too lazy to changer biker to driver and tool box to glove box and saddle bags to trunk soo yeah..

Togo · 09-12-2009, 04:32 PM

Not quite as funny as that last one, but here we go:

One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!"

I took a drink from my can of Busch Light, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy *** neighbor and then calmly replied,

"I am. That's why she cuts the grass."

frost · 09-12-2009, 04:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Togo

^ I thought about changing it to a 370 driver but i'm too lazy to changer biker to driver and tool box to glove box and saddle bags to trunk soo yeah..

Mike@Blackline · 09-12-2009, 06:49 PM

"(608): She said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba""

hahahaha i **** myself reading that

simota1 · 09-13-2009, 06:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Togo

What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?

They both wiggle when you eat them.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Togo

When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'

They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Togo

A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.

Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?

Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?

Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.

Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?

Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?

Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.

Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.

Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.

Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

AWESOME POSTS man... +1 rep togo

09-09-2009, 03:20 PM	#216 (permalink)
XwChriswX WFLYIDNNE Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: In The Fastlane Posts: 50,648 Drives: 02 GDB WRX Rep Power: 452	Yes! __________________ Bonnie - Stage 2, Audio build coming this fall! R.I.P. Abby 3/29/10 - 3/30/14

09-09-2009, 03:35 PM	#217 (permalink)
XwChriswX WFLYIDNNE Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: In The Fastlane Posts: 50,648 Drives: 02 GDB WRX Rep Power: 452	Funny Drunk Texts With Area Codes (613): she was blowing me and i farted, she gave me a high five and kept going. (740): I would plow her like an amish guy supporting his family (330): "why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonald's?"... sent: "you tried to order a margarita mcflurry and when they said they didn't make those you tried to call 911." (831): I just had a conversation with my cat in the shower about pancakes. We both like them a lot. (508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation? ... (rec'd): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets. (702): I just woke up naked and covered in skittles. Best night ever? (303): (sent): DUDE! MY MOM GOT TAKEN BY ALIENS! (rec'd): lol wtf? (sent): don't LOL. its 3am and shes not home. this has NEVER happened! (rec'd): its cool i just got a txt from them saying she'll be home tmro. (sent): UR A FCKIN LIAR! they cant speak english dumbass! (rec'd): iPhone translation. there's an app for that. (215): I got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section. (401): I just woke up in a tent with this girl, sat there for 15 minutes trying to remember her name, when she woke up she said "Hi, I'm ashley." I think I'm in love! (330): Sent last night: "I'm textn and bang'n your sister right now, how many points do I get?" Recv'd back: "you *********"... Replied: "She's next." (954): you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now (570): Hey baby, wanna come to myspace and twitter my yahoo 'til i google all over your facebook? (608): She said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" (303): Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper. (604): you were about to get laid, but on your way to the bedroom you saw a Burger King paper crown. you ditched the girl and pranced around my house yelling "I AM FOOFY, KING OF THE SEALS!" (919): I just punched a cop in the face while dancing in a parking lot, its ok, it was my stepdad and he bought me more beer cause he said he didn't want to ruin "what looked like a good night" (970): I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises. (732): You sent me 45 texts saying "meow". (937): Had sex with a girl and when I was about to cum... I pulled out and shoved it in her mouth... she said...how did you know I liked that... keeper??? (330):"which is correct, seven and five IS thirteen, or seven and five ARE thirteen?" sent:"Neither, because it's twelve." (337): She told me that for my birthday, she would get the word "HARDER" tattooed on her lower back. I love this girl. (303): I was wondering why the cops were making such a big deal then I realized I was naked (864): weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps. (316): omg bring my wallet when you come get me tonight. i'm buying a *** giraffe. (781): I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed (630): Received: "Who did I last night, cuz my bed smells like her perfume. She smells niceeeeee." Sent: "Im still here, just in the living room playing Xbox360. you smell good too." (703): (recieved) I wish I was a penguin. (sent) Why? (recieved) because then I would look like I'm wearing a tuxedo 100% of the time, and that's classy. (818): she started singing "eye of the tiger" mid-... (248): Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge , now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML? (402): This is NO TIME for pants! (770): I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti. (304): my dad just found tit marks on my winshield LOL (775): Received last night: "before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal." (970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar. (rec'd): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick. (303): i found you in the kitchen naked, eating ice cream and ramen, and rapping about beaing on a boat. (732): Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken... (352): I just did a guy and his brother. Then gave me a bottle of captain and a key to their house. Victory? (754): I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!" (607): (sent) Can you cum for me in a cup, my boyfriend just came on my tits and in my hair, I want to get him back (rec'd) DUDE, i'm his best friend, you know how sick that is? (sent) please? (rec'd) come give me a blow job and you can keep what you get out of me. (sent) deal on my way. (rec'd) got a boner already (401): This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am? (330): First off: I'm drunk so you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: 3 Doors Down (330): Holy there are a ton of zombies coming for me. Meet me at taco bell to plan a revenge asap. (330): Is it just me or do most whores also suffer from narcolepsy? (330): i was preparing myself to do the alphabet backwards but they didnt make me do it. (330): dude you missed out last night man, i was soooo hammered but i nailed the hottest bitch ever in the middle of jakes living room while everyone was playing kings (sent): tom said you smoked laced and drank the rest of that bottle of tequila and when everyone was plying you got on the table and started jacking off. LOL (recv'd): dude no i would remember that you (sent): tom sent me the video.. __________________ Bonnie - Stage 2, Audio build coming this fall! R.I.P. Abby 3/29/10 - 3/30/14**

09-12-2009, 06:49 PM	#224 (permalink)
Mike@Blackline Enthusiast Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: USA Posts: 390 Drives: Z Rep Power: 296	"(608): She said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"" hahahaha i ** myself reading that __________________ Current Alliance BBK Sale, FREE PC Option, 370Z DiscountCLICK HERE for info!**

09-08-2009, 09:29 PM	#211 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb? 10. One to hold the bulb in place and 9 to drink until the room spins.

09-08-2009, 09:30 PM	#212 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.

09-08-2009, 09:30 PM	#213 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	What do blonds and spaghetti have in common? They both wiggle when you eat them.

09-08-2009, 09:31 PM	#214 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man," said his partner, "you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

09-08-2009, 09:31 PM	#215 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

09-12-2009, 04:18 PM	#218 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	^hahha that was a good read!

09-12-2009, 04:26 PM	#219 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, We had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed....

09-12-2009, 04:30 PM	#220 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's license? Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle? Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it. Officer: The motorcycle is stolen? Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag? Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags. Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!? Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation: Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Captain: Who's motorcycle is this? Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it? Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag. Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them. Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs. Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags. Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

09-12-2009, 04:30 PM	#221 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	^ I thought about changing it to a 370 driver but i'm too lazy to changer biker to driver and tool box to glove box and saddle bags to trunk soo yeah..

09-12-2009, 04:32 PM	#222 (permalink)
Togo A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: E. Northport, NY Posts: 7,597 Drives: Stuff Rep Power: 657	Not quite as funny as that last one, but here we go: One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!" I took a drink from my can of Busch Light, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy *** neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass."