I need relationship advice

wstar · 12-09-2011, 09:31 AM

It sounds like either you or her (or both) aren't prepared for the sort of stable relationship you're envisioning and trying for. At the very least you need to re-examine your expectations with reference to reality. You might be able to find a happy medium where you tone down your expectations, and instead of an on-again/off-again headbanging cycle of breakups, you could just settle into a relationship that's lighter in its time and/or exclusivity requirements. If on careful re-examination you don't think you can handle that in the long term, then just get out for good and save yourself some trouble.

Relationships are not about possession or conquest, they're about two people actively wanting the same thing from the relationship. If you both have the same expectations and desires, there's no reason for the cyclic breakups.

bigaudiofanat · 12-09-2011, 12:20 PM

She has realized that she needs to open up more and wants to do that now. She always says that she is to late to tell me her feelings. But this time she has before I have moved on.

The kid stand point I understand that she comes along as well.

What do I want to hear? I want to hear give it another shot. But than again is it just doing the same thing over?

Spikuh · 12-09-2011, 12:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bigaudiofanat

What do I want to hear? I want to hear give it another shot. But than again is it just doing the same thing over?

I think this is a good place to start. If you are wanting to hear from her that you should give it another shot then tell her you want to hear her say this.

Also tell her you understand the kid comes with the relationship. For some, kids are occupational hazards, for others, kids are awesome and working with them can help grow and stregthen the relationship while deepening the levels trust between each other. Hopefully, you are more of the latter than the former.

nuTinmuch · 12-09-2011, 11:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wstar

It sounds like either you or her (or both) aren't prepared for the sort of stable relationship you're envisioning and trying for. At the very least you need to re-examine your expectations with reference to reality. You might be able to find a happy medium where you tone down your expectations, and instead of an on-again/off-again headbanging cycle of breakups, you could just settle into a relationship that's lighter in its time and/or exclusivity requirements. If on careful re-examination you don't think you can handle that in the long term, then just get out for good and save yourself some trouble.

Relationships are not about possession or conquest, they're about two people actively wanting the same thing from the relationship. If you both have the same expectations and desires, there's no reason for the cyclic breakups.

This is the best advice in the thread, in my opinion.

haitech · 12-10-2011, 02:14 AM

It is better to have loved and lost, then to have not loved at all. Leave and you will always be thinking what "could've been." Life's about chances and when you want to take them.

kensin0429 · 12-10-2011, 08:44 AM

maybe she dosent want to drag you into the situation. with her having a kid and all.
she thinks you can do better and dont want to hold you back. maybe ?

but hey.its your life,i say go for it or eles like every one has alread said, " what if "

eastwest2300 · 12-11-2011, 02:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by haitech

You both should sit down and put everything out on the table. Just be honest with each other about why you guys fight in the first place. Relationships take work from both sides.

AND communication is the key, silence can be deadly.

senseiturtle · 12-11-2011, 10:05 AM

100% communication is key.

Thing is, you have a track record with this girl. She's just as much a part of this decision as you are. She might not be willing to work it out, regardless of what you "decide," and regardless of what she tells you.

Sounds like a relationship I was previously in. Borderline personality disorder (look it up), means hot/cold girl, manipulative, stirs up drama for the sake of it, constantly looking for additional support, etc. Sounds like she needs more from you, than you from her.

I say : Move on. You'd be surprised at where life goes after you aren't anchored down.

bigaudiofanat · 12-11-2011, 10:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by senseiturtle

100% communication is key.

Thing is, you have a track record with this girl. She's just as much a part of this decision as you are. She might not be willing to work it out, regardless of what you "decide," and regardless of what she tells you.

Sounds like a relationship I was previously in. Borderline personality disorder (look it up), means hot/cold girl, manipulative, stirs up drama for the sake of it, constantly looking for additional support, etc. Sounds like she needs more from you, than you from her.

I say : Move on. You'd be surprised at where life goes after you aren't anchored down.

Ya I am thinking I want to meet new girls "even though I suck at it 6 times out of ten."

Lemers · 12-11-2011, 10:30 AM

You say you two love each other, but as a man who's been married for almost 11 years it takes more than love for "happily ever after" to work.

Me and my wife were friends on and off for about 4 yrs prior to starting our relationship. The key was that while we were friends there was never any betrayal or loss of trust.

That is important for you in reexamining this relationship. A stable long term relationship will never work if any of the breakups were caused by cheating, lying, or continuously hurt feelings by either of you.

If I were in this situation and deciding to pursue rekindling a relationship I'd take it very slow and keep passion out of it as long as I could. Work on your friendship first because the best couples are the best friends.

Skeeterbop · 12-11-2011, 10:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lemers

You say you two love each other, but as a man who's been married for almost 11 years it takes more than love for "happily ever after" to work.

Me and my wife were friends on and off for about 4 yrs prior to starting our relationship. The key was that while we were friends there was never any betrayal or loss of trust.

That is important for you in reexamining this relationship. A stable long term relationship will never work if any of the breakups were caused by cheating, lying, or continuously hurt feelings by either of you.

If I were in this situation and deciding to pursue rekindling a relationship I'd take it very slow and keep passion out of it as long as I could. Work on your friendship first because the best couples are the best friends.

370Zsteve · 12-11-2011, 11:20 AM

Since I'm probably old enough to be your father, I say walk away. Trust me.

senseiturtle · 12-11-2011, 11:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bigaudiofanat

Ya I am thinking I want to meet new girls "even though I suck at it 6 times out of ten."

I know it sounds like I'm just giving you a hard time, but 4/10 would be an awesome success rate. More realistic success rate is more like 1/20 to get a 2-4 month "trial" out of it. Of those trials, 1/5 stick around for >1 year. At least that's how it was for me in college, years ago.

I say walk away. Increase your exposure to the type of girl you want to end up with. Most people meet their spouses at functions associated with work, but not exactly AT work, so to speak. I met my girl in graduate school.

"Love" is a winner-take-all, cutthroat game. The only secret is to know when to walk away. Marry the girl who's a little "boring", but is your absolute best friend, and is dedicated to helping you reach whatever goals you have. The super exciting ones tend to have personality disorders.

Jeffblue · 12-11-2011, 11:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bigaudiofanat

Ya I am thinking I want to meet new girls "even though I suck at it 6 times out of ten."

If the thought of being with another girl besides her (even if you dont know who she is and is just a hypothetical person) makes you even the slightest bit excited/happy, then she isn't the right girl. If you're with the right girl (not necessarily your soul mate or someone you will marry, just the right girl) then you won't be thinking about what other girls you might be able to get with etc, because you'll be fully thinking about that one girl. Right now you are weighing your options. when you are truly happy with someone, or theres someone you REALLY want to be with, you dont weigh your options, because you know deep down there is only one option, being with that person... but that doesn't sound like the situation here.

right now it sound like if another girl came along and was just the right thing for you, you would probably stop talking to this girl and move on. So, it sounds like you aren't really holding on to this girl in particular because she's so amazing, its more out of a fear of thinking you'll find something better, but there is always something better, so don't settle for a bad situation. Trust me, it gets a lot better than settling for a some on/off relationship with a girl who ditches you, then come's back to you when she's upset about the guy she just got involved with after she broke up with you....and that's not even counting the fact that she has a kid.

eastwest2300 · 12-11-2011, 09:17 PM

Matt come on out here to DC, theres plenty to choose from, brother.

12-09-2011, 09:31 AM	#16 (permalink)
wstar A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Houston, TX Posts: 4,024 Drives: too slow Rep Power: 3594	It sounds like either you or her (or both) aren't prepared for the sort of stable relationship you're envisioning and trying for. At the very least you need to re-examine your expectations with reference to reality. You might be able to find a happy medium where you tone down your expectations, and instead of an on-again/off-again headbanging cycle of breakups, you could just settle into a relationship that's lighter in its time and/or exclusivity requirements. If on careful re-examination you don't think you can handle that in the long term, then just get out for good and save yourself some trouble. Relationships are not about possession or conquest, they're about two people actively wanting the same thing from the relationship. If you both have the same expectations and desires, there's no reason for the cyclic breakups. __________________ 7AT Track Car! Journal thread / Car setup details

12-09-2011, 12:20 PM	#17 (permalink)
bigaudiofanat Car Audio Installer Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Magnolia DE Posts: 8,342 Drives: 2012 Infiniti G37x Rep Power: 853	She has realized that she needs to open up more and wants to do that now. She always says that she is to late to tell me her feelings. But this time she has before I have moved on. The kid stand point I understand that she comes along as well. What do I want to hear? I want to hear give it another shot. But than again is it just doing the same thing over? __________________ Need help with car audio or electronics? Let me know!! Need Help Let Me Know Direct email address reimermatt@gmail.com Owner of: Dynamic Mobile Audio Follow me below https://www.facebook.com/Dynamicmobileaudio/

12-10-2011, 08:44 AM	#21 (permalink)
kensin0429 Base Member Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: palmsprings Posts: 244 Drives: 370z Rep Power: 16	maybe she dosent want to drag you into the situation. with her having a kid and all. she thinks you can do better and dont want to hold you back. maybe ? but hey.its your life,i say go for it or eles like every one has alread said, " what if " __________________ 10 40th AE Z

12-11-2011, 10:30 AM	#25 (permalink)
Lemers A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Izmir, Turkey Posts: 15,371 Drives: 2012 Traverse LTZ Rep Power: 52	You say you two love each other, but as a man who's been married for almost 11 years it takes more than love for "happily ever after" to work. Me and my wife were friends on and off for about 4 yrs prior to starting our relationship. The key was that while we were friends there was never any betrayal or loss of trust. That is important for you in reexamining this relationship. A stable long term relationship will never work if any of the breakups were caused by cheating, lying, or continuously hurt feelings by either of you. If I were in this situation and deciding to pursue rekindling a relationship I'd take it very slow and keep passion out of it as long as I could. Work on your friendship first because the best couples are the best friends. __________________ 2010 Black Cherry Touring/Sport/Nav Now - 2012 Travese LTZ until I leave for Turkey

12-11-2011, 11:20 AM	#27 (permalink)
370Zsteve A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Gold Coast CT Posts: 10,599 Drives: 2019 Corvette G.S. Rep Power: 43	Since I'm probably old enough to be your father, I say walk away. Trust me. __________________ SOLD MY Z MARCH 2018 - another Core OG moves on - new ride 2019 Z Corvette Grand Sport - no mods necessary but already have eyes on HFC and intakes LOL IT NEVER ENDS.

12-10-2011, 02:14 AM	#20 (permalink)
haitech Track Member Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Austin/Dallas Posts: 922 Drives: 11' 370z Magnetic M6 Rep Power: 15	It is better to have loved and lost, then to have not loved at all. Leave and you will always be thinking what "could've been." Life's about chances and when you want to take them.

12-11-2011, 10:05 AM	#23 (permalink)
senseiturtle Base Member Join Date: Oct 2011 Location: South Carolina Posts: 22 Drives: 2011 370Z T/S Rep Power: 14	100% communication is key. Thing is, you have a track record with this girl. She's just as much a part of this decision as you are. She might not be willing to work it out, regardless of what you "decide," and regardless of what she tells you. Sounds like a relationship I was previously in. Borderline personality disorder (look it up), means hot/cold girl, manipulative, stirs up drama for the sake of it, constantly looking for additional support, etc. Sounds like she needs more from you, than you from her. I say : Move on. You'd be surprised at where life goes after you aren't anchored down.

12-11-2011, 09:17 PM	#30 (permalink)
eastwest2300 A True Z Fanatic Join Date: May 2010 Location: South FL Posts: 90,990 Drives: '16QX70/'21 Supra3.0 Rep Power: 2684550	Matt come on out here to DC, theres plenty to choose from, brother. __________________ Infiniti QX70 & Toyota Supra 3.0 Premium

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