just wow

MC · 09-23-2010, 12:16 AM

Wal-Mart, Masturbation and 'Star Wars' -- This Story Has Literally Everything - Asylum.com

Wait till the People Of Wal-Mart website hears about this guy: a 28-year-old father-of-the-year candidate arrested for masturbating at a Florida Wal-Mart. William Tyler Black somehow completed the big box store trifecta: allegedly looking at porn, jerking off and leaving his seed all over the toys.

Oh, and he's a substitute teacher.

As The Smoking Gun notes, perhaps Black's greatest crime isn't that he works with children or that he has a daughter who will probably hear no end of jokes about this, but that the toy he apparently rubbed his semen all over was a "Star Wars" lightsaber.

Black is accused of taking a magazine into the childrens toy aisle and masturbating to photos in it, then leaving stains on the floor and on the lightsaber nearby. An employee unfortunately witnessed his climax and had to call in the cops -- proving there is a worse moment in life than actually obtaining a job at Wal-Mart.

To be fair, the object of his affections was Brooklyn Decker, who graces the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue Black was whack-attacking. Nonetheless, police were unforgiving and asked him for an explanation for his ridiculous behavior. He told them "I was shopping for a toy for my daughter."

Disappointed by his answer, they slapped him with two charges: indecent exposure and battery, the latter resulting from the fact that cops believe a child could have easily come into contact with Black's semen. His bond totals $2,000 and he faces fines and/or prison, which seems just for tainting our nerdy childhood memories forever.

frost · 09-23-2010, 12:17 AM

sexy

SoCal 370Z · 09-23-2010, 12:27 AM

Ben Kenobi: Remember, a Jedi can feel the Force flowing through him.

bigaudiofanat · 09-23-2010, 12:35 AM

.................................................. ...........LMAO socal!

frost · 09-23-2010, 12:40 AM

What I find disturbing about this whole thing is not that the dude cranked one on some toys in wal mart, but rather, how normal he looks. I want people who jerk off on toys at wal mart to look more like this dude so that I can spot them more easily:

AK370Z · 09-23-2010, 12:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by frost

What I find disturbing about this whole thing is not that the dude cranked one on some toys in wal mart, but rather, how normal he looks. I want people who jerk off on toys at wal mart to look more like this dude so that I can spot them more easily:

You want Howard Stern to jerk off in the toy section?

Crazy story Matt!

frost · 09-23-2010, 12:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AK370Z

You want Howard Stern to jerk off in the toy section?

Crazy story Matt!

It's like Inglorious Basterds, just as they didn't want the nazis to take off their uniforms and look like everyone else, I don't want perverts looking all normal.

shadoquad · 09-23-2010, 09:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by frost

It's like Inglorious Basterds, just as they didn't want the nazis to take off their uniforms and look like everyone else, I don't want perverts looking all normal.

We do, for the most part. I mean, yeah, I agree.

Anyway, this story is ridiculous. This is a special kind of stupid.

ChrisSlicks · 09-23-2010, 09:07 AM

At least he wasn't doing anything kinky with the lightsaber, that would have really been disturbing to walk into.

JDMFairlady21 · 09-23-2010, 10:14 AM

goodness gracious.

Zerafian · 09-25-2010, 03:50 PM

wtf!

frost · 09-25-2010, 03:52 PM

You know, we shouldn't tease this guy. I went and rubbed one out on a lightsaber, and it was actually much better than I was anticipating.

Chris@FsP · 09-25-2010, 04:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MC

then leaving stains on the floor and on the lightsaber nearby.

SoCal 370Z · 09-25-2010, 04:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by frost

You know, we shouldn't tease this guy. I went and rubbed one out on a lightsaber, and it was actually much better than I was anticipating.

Holy crap Frost is this really you?

frost · 09-25-2010, 04:27 PM

I wish I was that good looking.

09-23-2010, 12:16 AM	#1 (permalink)
MC Moderator Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: NC Posts: 3,238 Drives: 2015 GTR NISMO Rep Power: 24	just wow Wal-Mart, Masturbation and 'Star Wars' -- This Story Has Literally Everything - Asylum.com Wait till the People Of Wal-Mart website hears about this guy: a 28-year-old father-of-the-year candidate arrested for masturbating at a Florida Wal-Mart. William Tyler Black somehow completed the big box store trifecta: allegedly looking at porn, jerking off and leaving his seed all over the toys. Oh, and he's a substitute teacher. As The Smoking Gun notes, perhaps Black's greatest crime isn't that he works with children or that he has a daughter who will probably hear no end of jokes about this, but that the toy he apparently rubbed his semen all over was a "Star Wars" lightsaber. Black is accused of taking a magazine into the childrens toy aisle and masturbating to photos in it, then leaving stains on the floor and on the lightsaber nearby. An employee unfortunately witnessed his climax and had to call in the cops -- proving there is a worse moment in life than actually obtaining a job at Wal-Mart. To be fair, the object of his affections was Brooklyn Decker, who graces the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue Black was whack-attacking. Nonetheless, police were unforgiving and asked him for an explanation for his ridiculous behavior. He told them "I was shopping for a toy for my daughter." Disappointed by his answer, they slapped him with two charges: indecent exposure and battery, the latter resulting from the fact that cops believe a child could have easily come into contact with Black's semen. His bond totals $2,000 and he faces fines and/or prison, which seems just for tainting our nerdy childhood memories forever. __________________ 2015 GT-R N1SMO "THE ONE" Instagram MCGTRN1SMO Youtube MCGTRNISMO

09-23-2010, 12:27 AM	#3 (permalink)
SoCal 370Z A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: US of A Posts: 2,842 Drives: Answers Rep Power: 33	Ben Kenobi: Remember, a Jedi can feel the Force flowing through him. __________________ ( Click to show/hide ) Why I NEVER say NO to the Panda Lou Fusz!!!

09-23-2010, 12:35 AM	#4 (permalink)
bigaudiofanat Car Audio Installer Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Magnolia DE Posts: 8,342 Drives: 2012 Infiniti G37x Rep Power: 853	.................................................. ...........LMAO socal! __________________ Need help with car audio or electronics? Let me know!! Need Help Let Me Know Direct email address reimermatt@gmail.com Owner of: Dynamic Mobile Audio Follow me below https://www.facebook.com/Dynamicmobileaudio/

09-23-2010, 09:07 AM	#9 (permalink)
ChrisSlicks A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: North East Posts: 6,203 Drives: 09 370Z Sport M6 Rep Power: 653	At least he wasn't doing anything kinky with the lightsaber, that would have really been disturbing to walk into. __________________ Hotchkis ARB \| Stillen CAI \| Art Pipes \| Berk CBE \| Stillen AP Racing Brakes \| AE Performance Oil Cooler \| BC Racing ER Coilovers \| Doran Control Arms

09-23-2010, 10:14 AM	#10 (permalink)
JDMFairlady21 Enthusiast Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: LI, NY Posts: 348 Drives: 03 Z33 TT Redline Rep Power: 16	goodness gracious. __________________ [

09-25-2010, 03:50 PM	#11 (permalink)
Zerafian A True Z Fanatic Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Chattanooga, TN Posts: 1,344 Drives: 13' MB 370z Rep Power: 30949	wtf! __________________ LC500 exhaust set uphttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bI7DiA43ZYw&t