shadoquad

One year, I decided to
buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't
buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I
replied,
"Well, you still haven't
used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight
started.....



______________________________



My wife and I were
watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we
were in bed.
I turned to her and said,
'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I
then said,
'Is that your final
answer?'
She didn't even look at
me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like
to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight
started...



________________________________



I took my wife to a
restaurant.
The waiter, for some
reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump
steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you
worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for
herself."
And that's when the fight
started.....



________________________________



My wife and I were
sitting at a table at her high school reunion,
and she
kept staring at a drunken
man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a
nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know
him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend....
I understand he took to drinking right after
we
split up those many years
ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who
would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?"
And then the fight
started...



________________________________



When our lawn mower broke
and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to
me
that I should get it
fixed. But, somehow I always had something
else to take
care of first, the shed,
the boat, making beer.. Always something
more
important to me. Finally
she thought of a clever way to make her
point.
When I arrived home one
day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily
snipping away with a tiny
pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently
for
a short time and then
went into the house.. I was gone only a minute,
and
when I came out again I
handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you
finish
cutting the grass, you
might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will
walk again, but I will always have a limp.



________________________________



My wife sat down next to
me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on
TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight
started...



________________________________



Saturday morning I got up
early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
and
slipped quietly into the
garage. I hooked up the boat up to the
van, and
proceeded to back out
into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing
50 mph, so I
pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that
the
weather would be bad all
day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped
back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back,
now with a
different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years
replied, "And, can you believe my stupid
husband
is out fishing in
that?"
And that's how the fight
started...



________________________________



My wife was hinting about
what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want
something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about
3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom
scale.
And then the fight
started......
________________________________



After retiring, I went to
the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.
The woman behind the
counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.
I looked in my pockets
and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I
was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton
your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt
revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver
hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
she
processed my Social
Security application..
When I got home, I
excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should
have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
And then the fight
started...



________________________________



My wife was standing
nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with
what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look
old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay
me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's
damn near perfect."
And then the fight
started........