Well, this blows some of my previous ideas out of the water. Looks like the intake phasers are operational after all! I noticed that when I start the car and watch the scope, the timing of both cam phasers adjusts really close to what the FSM image shows in my original post. The left and right phasers sync with eachother like they should and move to a slightly retarded position relative to the crank. Then, shortly after, they move to the positions I captured in the original post.
I make this video of the scope.
This means that the phasers are not seized and are being controlled by the VVT solenoids. On one run, it stayed in the retarded position for several minutes and I notice misfires while in this state. Then it advanced the timing and the misses went away.