I disconnected the battery and ohmed out every fuse, including the two fuse boxes next to the battery.
After finding out my tail lights and license plates lights are also out and consulting the manual, I think it might be a bad Body Control Module (BCM). The BCM controls the Parking Lamp, License Plate Lamp, Tail Lamp, Side Marker Lamp, and there is another line in the manual that says "to illuminations." The BCM is between the combination switch (the switch next to the steering wheel with your headlights and turn signals) and all those lights.
I guess I got lucky enough to not blow out the headlights, but unlucky enough to blow everything else.
I will update this whether or not it is the BCM so someone with the same problem can look into this in the future.
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