Last night's update:
In a "this can't possibly work" attempt, I topped off the gas tank which was sitting at a little under 3/4. No dice.
I moved under the hood and did hear a weird whining sound with the car set to "ON" - I pulled out my stethoscope and determined it was the passenger side TPS motor. Pulling the plug silenced it, and so I pulled the intake pipe off of my throttle body and gave the valve a little nudge with my finger. Plugging the TPS back in was now quiet, but the car behaved the same.
Next up, spark checking. I pulled the #2 plug and coil pack and grounded the plug to the frame via aligator clip. Craking produced multiple sparks at what looked like a regular interval.
So I think tonight/this weekend I'll be checking fuel. I can hear the pump prime when I turn the car on, but could it possibly be a cracked hat or blockage? Or possibly something with the injectors? Even a fuse or relay perhaps?
If the fuel system checks out, then I might be bracing for something much worse internally...
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