I lost 2 boys cats (brothers) that I'd had for almost 20 yrs. They passed within a month of each other a couple years ago.
I never thought I'd want to get another because the sadness of losing them is too much.
Then, I realized there are so many of these beautiful creatures that need a loving home. That's how I wound up with Poe (Tuxedo girl) & Valentino.
May you find peace and, when you're ready, go get a couple more kitties...you'll be glad you did. That's what Louie Cat would want you to do