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A True Z Fanatic
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: nowhere
Posts: 5,478
Drives: 06' Nismo Frontier
Rep Power: 28
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Some Advice from your Public Defender *Possibly NSFW*
Some Advice from your Public Defender....
First, let me say I love my job and it is a privilege to work for my clients. I wish I could do more for them.
That being said, there are a few things that need to be discussed.
1.) You have the right to remain silent. So, SHUT THE **** UP. Those cops are completely serious when they
say your statements can and will be used against you. There’s just no need to babble on like it’s a drink and
dial session. They are just pretending to like you and be interested in you.
2.) When you come to court, consider your dress. If you’re charged with a DUI, don’t wear a Budweiser shirt. If
you have some miscellaneous drug charge, think twice about clothing with a marijuana leaf on it or a t-shirt
with the “UniBonger” on it. Long sleeves are very nice for covering tattoos and track marks. Try not to be
visibly drunk when you show up.
3.) Consider bathing and brushing your teeth. This is just as a courtesy to me who has to stand by you in court.
Smoking 5 generic cigarettes to cover up your bad breath is not the same as brushing. Try not to cough and
spit on my while you speak and further transmit your strep, flu, and hepatitis A through Z.
4.) I’m a lawyer, not your fairy godmother. I probably won’t find a loophole or technicality for you, so don’t be
pissed off. I didn’t beat up your girlfriend, steal that car, rob that liquor store, sell that crystal meth, or rape
that 13 year old. By the time we meet, much of your fate has been sealed, so don’t be too surprised by your
limited options and that I’m the one telling you about them.
5.) Don’t think you’ll improve my interest in your case by yelling at me, telling me I’m not doing anything for you,
calling me a public pretender or complaining to my supervisor. This does not inspire me, it makes me
hate you and want to work with you even less.
6.) It does not help if you leave me nine messages in 17 minutes. Especially if you leave them all on Saturday night
and early Sunday morning. This just makes me want to stab you in the eye when we finally meet.
For the guys: Don’t think I’m amused when you flirt or offer to “do me.” You can’t successfully rob a
convenience store, forge a signature, pawn stolen merchandise, get through a day without drinking, control
your temper, or talk your way out of a routine traffic stop. I figure your performance in other areas is just as
spectacular, and the thought of your shriveled unwashed body near me makes me want to kill you and then
myself.
For the girls: I know your life is rougher than mine and you have no resources. I’m not going to insult you by
suggesting you leave your abusive pimp/boyfriend, that you stop taking meth, or that your stop stealing ****.
I do wish you’d stop beating the crap out of your kids and leaving your needles out for them to play with
because you aren’t allowing them to have a life that is any better than yours.
For the morons: Your second grade teacher was right, neatness counts. Just clean up! When you rob the store,
don’t leave your wallet. When you drive into the front of the bank, don’t leave the front license plate. When you
rape/assault/rob a woman on the street, don’t leave behind your cell phone. After you abuse your girlfriend,
don’t leave a note saying that you’re sorry.
7.) If the cops are chasing you and you have dope in your pocket, dump it. These cops are not geniuses. They are
out of shape and want to go to Krispy Kreme and most of all go home. They will not scour the woods or the
streets for your 2 grams of meth. But they will check your pockets, idiot. 2 grams is not worth six months of jail.
8.) Don’t be offended and say you were harassed because the security was following you all over the store. Girl,
you were wearing an electronic ankle bracelet with your mini skirt. And you were stealing. That’s not harassment,
that’s good store security.
9.) And those kids you churn out: how is it possible? You’re out there breeding like feral cats. What exactly is the
attraction of having sex with other meth addicts? You are lacking in the most basic aspects of hygiene, deathly pale,
greasy, grey-toothed, twitchy and covered with open sores. How can you be having sex? You make my baby-
whoring crack head clients look positively radiant by comparison.
10.) Defenses
"I didn't put it all the way in." Not a defense.
"All the money is gone now." Not a defense
"The bitch deserved it." Not a defense.
"But that dope was so stepped on, I barely got high." Not a defense.
"She didn't look thirteen." Possibly a defense; it depends.
"She didn't look six." Never a defense, you just need to die.
For those rare clients that say thank-you, leave a voice mail, send a card or flowers, you are very welcome. I keep them all, and they keep me going more than my pitiful COLA increase.
For the idiots who ask me how I sleep at night: I sleep just fine, thank you. There's nothing wrong with any of my clients that could not have been fixed with money or the presence of at least one caring adult in their lives. But that window has closed, and that loss diminishes us all.
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