(613): she was blowing me and i farted, she gave me a high five and kept going.
(740): I would plow her like an amish guy supporting his family
(330): "why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonald's?"... sent: "you tried to order a margarita mcflurry and when they said they didn't make those you tried to call 911."
(831): I just had a conversation with my cat in the shower about pancakes. We both like them a lot.
(508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation? ... (rec'd): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
(702): I just woke up naked and covered in skittles. Best night ever?
(303): (sent): DUDE! MY MOM GOT TAKEN BY ALIENS! (rec'd): lol wtf? (sent): don't LOL. its 3am and shes not home. this has NEVER happened! (rec'd): its cool i just got a txt from them saying she'll be home tmro. (sent): UR A F*CKIN LIAR! they cant speak english dumbass! (rec'd): iPhone translation. there's an app for that.
(215): I got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section.
(401): I just woke up in a tent with this girl, sat there for 15 minutes trying to remember her name, when she woke up she said "Hi, I'm ashley." I think I'm in love!
(330): Sent last night: "I'm textn and bang'n your sister right now, how many points do I get?" Recv'd back: "you ************"... Replied: "She's next."
(954): you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
(570): Hey baby, wanna come to myspace and twitter my yahoo 'til i google all over your facebook?
(608): She said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
(303): Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
(604): you were about to get laid, but on your way to the bedroom you saw a Burger King paper crown. you ditched the girl and pranced around my house yelling "I AM FOOFY, KING OF THE SEALS!"
(919): I just punched a cop in the face while dancing in a parking lot, its ok, it was my stepdad and he bought me more beer cause he said he didn't want to ruin "what looked like a good night"
(970): I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
(732): You sent me 45 texts saying "meow".
(937): Had sex with a girl and when I was about to cum... I pulled out and shoved it in her mouth... she said...how did you know I liked that... keeper???
(330):"which is correct, seven and five IS thirteen, or seven and five ARE thirteen?" sent:"Neither, because it's twelve."
(337): She told me that for my birthday, she would get the word "HARDER" tattooed on her lower back. I love this girl.
(303): I was wondering why the cops were making such a big deal then I realized I was naked
(864): weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
(316): omg bring my wallet when you come get me tonight. i'm buying a ******* giraffe.
(781): I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
(630): Received: "Who did I **** last night, cuz my bed smells like her perfume. She smells niceeeeee." Sent: "Im still here, just in the living room playing Xbox360. you smell good too."
(703): (recieved) I wish I was a penguin. (sent) Why? (recieved) because then I would look like I'm wearing a tuxedo 100% of the time, and that's classy.
(818): she started singing "eye of the tiger" mid-****...
(248): Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge ****, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
(402): This is NO TIME for pants!
(770): I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti.
(304): my dad just found tit marks on my winshield LOL
(775): Received last night: "before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal."
(970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar. (rec'd): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
(303): i found you in the kitchen naked, eating ice cream and ramen, and rapping about beaing on a boat.
(732): Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
(352): I just did a guy and his brother. Then gave me a bottle of captain and a key to their house. Victory?
(754): I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
(607): (sent) Can you cum for me in a cup, my boyfriend just came on my tits and in my hair, I want to get him back (rec'd) DUDE, i'm his best friend, you know how sick that is? (sent) please? (rec'd) come give me a blow job and you can keep what you get out of me. (sent) deal on my way. (rec'd) got a boner already
(401): This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
(330): First off: I'm drunk so **** you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: **** 3 Doors Down
(330): Holy **** there are a ton of zombies coming for me. Meet me at taco bell to plan a revenge asap.
(330): Is it just me or do most whores also suffer from narcolepsy?
(330): i was preparing myself to do the alphabet backwards but they didnt make me do it.
(330): dude you missed out last night man, i was soooo hammered but i nailed the hottest bitch ever in the middle of jakes living room while everyone was playing kings (sent): tom said you smoked laced **** and drank the rest of that bottle of tequila and when everyone was plying you got on the table and started jacking off. LOL (recv'd): dude no i would remember that you **** (sent): tom sent me the video..